My Two Cents.

1nce Again...

2011-08-22T11:05:00.002-05:00

What's up, folks? I was in the area so I decided to drop off a little blog to ya... like to hear it, here it goes!

It's funny how things change. The person of your dreams could be the main one starring in your nightmares. What starts well may go up in flames - but that's just a part of life. Recently, I spoke to a friend of mine and they were telling me about the demise of their relationship. Seems that when they got involved - they couldn't get enough of one another. One would begin a sentence and the other would finish it. It was destiny. Friends who become lovers who become one another. A match made in heaven tied up by the strings of commitment.

It was all a beautiful story until the wheels fell off their caravan of love.
She started to nag him like it was her full-time job.
He started to neglect her because of the nagging.
She started to resent him because she had to nag him to do anything.
He started to resent her because she didn't believe in him to do anything.
Pretty soon, they're arguing about who in the hell left the front gate open.

Next thing you know - they're dividing up who gets to keep what things out of the stuff they purchased together.

By the end of an ordeal like that, you can feel like the loneliest person in the world. It might seem fathomable to you in the midst of your struggles but we all go through breakups. They can be rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. Nonetheless, you gotta do what you gotta do and move on.

Some people don't really know how to do that. I can't say that I'm an expert at the subject but I've been a part of a few break-ups in my 30 years on this earth so I'm here to give some tips on driving your U-Haul truck o' lovin back in the right direction.

Keep your distance.
Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no instant messaging, and most importantly, no sleeping together- because spooning can lead to forking.

Talk to your friends.
Tell them about what a lowdown sleaze-bucket he or she was and how you were a saint. They'll belittle that person and you'll get a few laughs (and maybe a few drinks) at their expense. A win-win situation!

Find happiness in other areas of your life.
Whether that means spending time with your friends, taking up that class you've always wanted to take, or eating up all the groceries in the fridge, remind yourself that there's more to life than being in a relationship. Indulge in those things. As they say, the best revenge is living well.

Let go.
See that there is no sense in still being heartbroken, regretful, and harboring hatred toward that person. Realize that although your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways, congratulate yourself for being able to be in something meaningful (as there are a lot of people who can't even get a date) and be encouraged that even though it didn't work out this time, there will be a next time - and last but not least...

Sleep around.
Find various pieces of tail to compensate for the void in your heart by leaving a wet spot in your sheets. Ok, just kidding. This is the last thing you should ever do.Although I hope you're never in this situation; if you do find yourself in this predicament - take heed of my always sage advice and make sure you make the next one, the best one.

That's my time.

Before you go - tell me your thoughts, advice, stories.... on break-ups.
Have a good week - and I'll see you soon...

- Mr. Smart Guy

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. IX: A Letter to My Unborn Daughter

2011-08-15T13:10:00.005-05:00

Listening to Jay-Z and Kanye on the way to work, I cameacross the track “New Day”. Jay and Kanye are rapping to their unborn sonsabout their hopes and dreams and apologies for them. While this song is dope inits own right, why couldn’t they write to their unborn daughters? Of course,being the inspired fellow that I am, I felt the necessity to fill in the gap.To my not-yet parents out there, if you ever have a little girl of your own, you may want to use this asinspiration.

To My Unborn Daughter:

I look around this world and I fear for you. It’s cruel,it’s unforgiving, and people seem oblivious to how many backwards steps we’vetaken in the last 10 years. But I believe that you will be fine regardless of whateveris thrown your way. Not because I’m an optimist (I’m very much a realist,borderline pessimist), but because I know where you came from. Your lineage isfull of people who worked their asses off to make sure you have all the toolsto succeed. I don’t know what you will do with those tools, but I suspect youwill use them to your full advantage and make the most of your opportunities.

When you get to know me, you will learn that I hatemaking promises to anybody, but if I make one, it may as well be written instone. I’m a man of my word, and I make sure that if I say I’m going to dosomething that it gets done. So I’ll only make one promise to you; to dowhatever I have to do to make sure you succeed. If that means playing the badcop to your mother’s good cop and you hating my guts, then so be it. If itmeans giving up golf (which I love dearly) to make sure you make all yourrecitals and sports practices, then I’ll do it. Losing sleep, gaining weight,all of that is on the table. If you make me start to go bald, though, we mayhave to reconsider this arrangement.

The other thing you will learn when you get older is thatI’m pretty good at giving advice, and if I know you like I think I do, youprobably won’t come to me for advice about guys because you think I won’t befair to the guy. Well, you are correct. I won’t be fair to him because hedoesn’t deserve it. The male species is a conniving, slick, manipulative breedof which I’m a member, and I won’t be fooled by some young Alpha with goodhair, a two-parent home, and Southern manners (wait a minute, that soundsfamiliar…anyway). But I want to give you this advice beforehand so you know Itold you something that was unbiased and based out of love and experience. Ican’t fit all of it into this letter, but I’ll tell you three things that areimportant about men that you need to know. Take these to heart and neverforget.

When a man showsyou who he is, believe him.

Notice I didn’t say tell. We’ll tell you anything atfirst, but actions cannot and do not lie. If he lies about little things, he’lllie about big things. If he won’t trust you to go out with your friends, thenhe’s a possessive, insecure simpleton who doesn’t deserve you. And please,please, please, don’t ever think you can change him. You can’t. He can onlychange himself. No matter how great a woman you are, YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.Marriage won’t change him either. Always remember this point.

All men willdisappoint you at one time or another, including your father.

I want you to know this on the front end because somewomen go through life thinking that the perfect man is out there who will bethe most greatest sweetest handsomest guy in the world. He doesn’t exist,sweetie. I can tell you that there is a guy out there who will make you laugh,love you like you deserve, and protect you from as much hurt, harm and dangeras possible (unfortunately, I won’t be able to marry you, so you will have tosettle for someone who does all of that but not as good as me). And even thatman will disappoint you somewhere along the line because we aren’t perfect.Don’t give up on us though. Just work with him to make him the best that he canbe. But remember rule no. 1.

If he loves you,he’ll knock down walls and move mountains for you.

What he won’t do is say the phrase “But if you love me,you will _________”. I can’t tell you when you will hear this line or who willsay it, but men have been using it for centuries, and it’s been a lie everytime it’s been uttered. What he will do is make feel loved, respected,cherished, and safe. If he can’t do all of that, he doesn’t deserve you.

I just wanted to share some wisdom so that you will havea good foundation for what we called “The Game”. I don’t know what you all willcall it, just know it’s been played long before you were born, and despite allthe variations, it’s still the same during my time as it will be during yours.I can’t wait to meet you, and I hope that we will be able to talk about theseand other topics one day soon. I love you.

- Daddy BLH
Deuces, my good people.

Follow me on Twitter
@thebootleghitch

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. VIII.: What Women Really Want, Pt. 2

2011-07-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

“Why can’t I find a man that’s nice to me and treats me good? I’m tired of getting dogged out” -- (insert your homegirl’s name here that’s always saying this phrase)

While having a conversation with a friend of mine a while back, the subject of college dating patterns was discussed. After laughing & joking a good while on the amount of dumbassness that took place, we turned to the slightly more serious subject of how females responded to us. More specifically, he wondered why I seemed to get more of a response from women than he did even though we both were intelligent, good-looking, educated black men on a predominantly female campus. I’ll give you a peak to how this played out.

HIM: Man I just don’t get it, I didn’t cuss females out, didn’t dog ‘em, took ‘em out, let them borrow the car and everything. But I still never seemed to get girls like the rest of the crew.
ME: Yeah, you did all that.
HIM: But I mean, you embarrassed them in public, treated them like straw paper, and inevitably two more would come out the woodworks.
ME: Yep
HIM: I don’t get that at all
ME: It’s cuz you were trying to save them. I was trying to slay them.
HIM: Huh?

At this point, I had to point out his fatal flaw. For everything my boy had going for him, the one thing that always hindered his ability to be a devastating dating machine was lack of a mean streak. Simply put, he was too damn nice.

I hear women constantly say that they want a guy who is nice to them, who treats them good, who takes care of them. What men hear is that they want a nice guy. That is FALSE. That is not what she said. Go back and look at the sentence. She said she wants a guy who is nice to her, but she NEVER said she wanted a nice guy. See, men always complain and say “women always saying they want a nice guy”. Nope, fellas, I’m here to tell you that they never said that. Men having the attention span of a 3-year old on his first visit to Chuck E. Cheese caused us to interpret it that way, but it’s simply not the case.

Women want a guy with an edge. The kind of edge that causes a man to tell a woman, “If you put your finger in my face again, imma gut punch yo fool ass”. (**Disclaimer, the BLH does not advocate domestic violence. However, the threat of it must exist or they will habitually line-step**). It must be present in order for a woman to respect a man, or she will Riverdance all over his pride on a daily basis just because. I could name reasons all day as to why this is, but I always believe that the best explanation is the simplest.

See, at their core, women want to feel safe, protected if you will. Lil J.C. Watson III who only met black people through Jack and Jill just ain’t gon cut it. Leroy from the block? He’ll pop a cap in a fools arse because it’s Thursday. A woman wants to know…no, NEEDS to know, that her man is going to make certain the she is protected and not disrespected. I’ve almost fought a 10 year old because of an inappropriate comment he made to Mrs. Hitch. You say he was too young? I don’t care, he disrespected MY woman, and I makes no exceptions. If he was 6’3”, 210 lbs, then I was just gonna have to get whooped in that fight, but I can guarantee he would come out looking worse than he did when he went in. And let’s be real, a nice guy would have just laughed this off and kept it moving. And a small piece of his woman would have died because her man didn’t stand up for her.

So that old axiom “Nice guys finish last” is as true today as it was when you first heard it, because nice guys let bad boys disrespect them in front of their women. Nice guys watch their girl have a conversation in a bar with another man while he’s gone to buy drinks and don’t shake the hell out of her when they return. In short, nice guys, the really nice guys, inadvertently project weakness. And weakness is a complete no-no in dating and relationships.

Deuces, my good people….

Thoughts?
Do women really want nice guys, or do they want bad boys who are nice to them?

Follow me on Twitter
@thebootleghitch

when the funk hits the fan.

2011-05-31T11:18:00.000-05:00

Hark.

What's this I see? A real blog?

Indeed it is.

Now let me drop some knowledge.

The other day, I did what most folks did on a holiday weekend. I got up, scrubbed my nether regions, put on some clothes and proceeded to find free food at somebody's BBQ. Alas, I found my mecca at my homeboy Kev's place.

It indeed was a fancy shindig. The man had plenty of food and beverages. He even had fancy little cheesecake bites. This was a pretty classy affair.

*tips nose upwards*

Lastly --- what it had in abundance, was conversation. Something about when you get the liquid spirits flowing, talking begins to follow suit. Our unisex crowd of urban professionals covered just about every topic out there from reality TV, to fashion, to sports.

You know we're pretty versatile like that...
*pops collar*

However, one topic in particular stood out to me. We began talking about what attracts someone to someone else. The basics began to fly out: smile, charisma, looks, etc. Then all of sudden, one young lady decided to flip the script.

I like a man's musk.

*cut music*

Come again? Did you just say you like a man's musk?
What in the Desperate Housewives?

The bad thing is that she was not alone in this thinking - she actually had several women co-sign her statement.

I mean, as a man, there are a myriad of things that I am attracted to in a woman but some funk? No bueno.

Color me confused but ummm... I had no idea that sweaty draws were an aphrodisiac.

Makes a brotha wanna go out for a ten-mile run.

That's my time.

----------------------

Before I go, please tell me... is this way of thinking normal? If so, what are some odd turn-ons for you?

Hit me back. - Mr. Smart Guy

Get A Room. Now.

2011-05-02T15:31:00.001-05:00

What's going on, people? I know it's been a minute since I've written (two months to be exact) but I'm back on the grind now.

Hold your applause.

During my brief hiatus, I actually took some time to work on other ventures and take care of some business. It felt really good to get back on track to sanity because life was kind of crazy. Now that sappiness is out of the way, let's get down to bidness! Yeah, I said bid-ness.

The other day while running errands, I pulled up a stoplight, settling behind a few cars in the midst of the grinding rush hour traffic. I was carefree, listening to my music - when I realized the light had turned green... and we were still sitting in one spot.

Why you might ask?

Well, some horny couple decided to play tonsil hockey; becoming so immersed in the exchange of lip juice that they forgot they were in the middle of the intersection!

As I spoke gruffly to them [in unprintable language] and shook my fist rapidly [as if that would do anything], I vowed I would handle them and get my revenge.

How so , Mr. Smart Guy?!!!

Well, I plan on educating you all so that you may spread the gospel of Mr. Smart Guy to people around your neck of the woods and stop the madness before it spreads even more.We have to band together to rid the world of these terrible epidemic. It's disgusting, shameful and revolting.

P.
D.
A.

Those three letters might seem innocent but when put together, all hell breaks loose.

PDA's [Public Displays of Affections] terrorize us regular folk who just want to walk down the street without hearing who loves who more or how much you'll miss them when they go to the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that is not really sexy to have long talks whilst on the toilet.

I know, I know. It sickens me too. That's why we have to put a stop to it.

To first beat the enemy, you must know about the enemy. In fact, you may be an offender and you don't even know it.

Ask yourself the following questions.

Do you like holding hands?
Do you use pet names?
Do you kiss in public?
Do you stare at your mate longingly?

If you've answered yes to any of those questions, slap yourself now.

Holding hands is not necessary. If they really love you, they'll be there. They can't run away that fast.

Pet names should be used for pets only. Unless you walk them, check them for bugs and put them on a tight leash, you shouldn't use pet names. Wait a minute - scratch that. I know people who actually do that. Never mind.

Kissing in public is kinda gross. Well, not all kissing...

Staring is not caring. If you look away, they won't disappear. I promise.

I just want you all to know that I'm not downing love - just saving my digestive system from all that sappiness.

That's my time.

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. VII.: Do Women REALLY Believe in Monogamy?

2011-04-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

No.

I know, I know, you’re supposed to put the conclusion at the end in order to keep the suspense up. I got all that. But I figured I’d be like a good movie and start at what seems to be the end and give a rewind as to how we got there. Let’s begin…

Since I was a teenager, every woman I’ve ever called my “girlfriend” has wanted to be exclusive. Didn’t want to see anybody else, and definitely didn’t want to me seeing anybody else. I agreed to these conditions for several reasons. I really was feeling them, butterflies and all that ish. These were the girls that you fell asleep on the phone with and then lied talking bout you were just listening quietly (which stopped working once I got older and started performing hog calls in my slumber). These were the showpieces (“yeah, that’s mine partna, and yeah, she feels good too”).

Last but not least, the exclusive label was necessary since it was the key to the chastity belt, and I was definitely in the business of unlocking it. But as I analyzed these relationships, a funny pattern arose in my research: just about all these ladies engaged in some type of violation of the exclusivity agreement. In an absolutely random order, the following events took place in these relationships:

· One was secretly calling her old boyfriend of several years behind my back (this actually happened twice)

· One was screwing an older guy, left me for him then broke up with him 2 weeks later

· One would come see me while I was with a previous girlfriend

· The previous girlfriend returned the favor and would call me to come thru

Now before we go on and you get up to tap-dance on a soapbox, the prosecution would like to submit the following facts into evidence:

· I wasn’t a saint AT ALL in a lot of these scenarios.

· Men find monogamy an acquired taste, kinda like beer. Bitter at first, but eventually it grows on us.

With that being said; it became painfully obvious to me that although women like to require exclusivity, it only applies when it’s convenient for them. Even worse, we have become desensitized to it.

Don’t believe me?

I’d like to submit Exhibit A (Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats)

and B (Fantasia and Antwuan)

I always would think that guys out here are just wild and messing with women randomly and cheating with no remorse, but women KNOW guys have a man, STILL get with them, AND expect women to respect their man when they get one.

Am I missing something here?

Nope, I’ll just call it what it is: hypocritical. If a guy can’t expect his woman to stay faithful when he’s boning every chick in the champagne room, women can’t expect any when they’re stepping out on their man or with someone else’s man. So today I’m declaring the myth dead those women are monogamous creatures. If you’re reading this and saying “this don’t apply to me”, then I’d like to say more power to you and keep it moving, my sistah. I would however like you to take a quick second and REALLY think about whether you’ve been the perfect lil’ angel you’re portraying yourself to be.

What do you guys think? Are women lying to us about monogamy, or are they lying to themselves? Let me know what you think.

Deuces, my good people.

Follow me on twitter @thebootleghitch

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. VI.: "Are You Sure You're Worth It?"

2011-02-17T12:56:00.000-06:00

A few years ago, a good friend of mine (a successful lawyer) was attending a medical student association function with his cousin. Knowing that some fine, professional ladies with high EPs (earnings potential) were gonna be in the building, he asked me my advice on how he should approach the situation. After giving him the open mouth blank stare for a few seconds, I responded incredulously.

"What the hell are you talking about? You are a lawyer, well-dressed, Christian, no kids, no diseases, no stalkers. Dude, YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE, NOT THEM." After digesting this for a few seconds, he came to the realization that I was indeed correct and proceeded to rake in the ladies that night. Sadly, this type of thought process plays out daily across the dating scene. One person sits back nervously wondering how to approach the one who's caught their eye that night, when their swagger should be on 1000. I've advised countless people about dating and relationships, but one axiom is true above all; you have to know your worth to operate effectively. This is not to be confused with confidence, which a person can have for no apparent reason. Understanding your worth is knowing the value you bring to a situation.

What's the importance of knowing your worth? It's best to look at this from both eyes of both sexes. For men, this concept is crucial when it comes to approaching the opposite sex. Women can smell an unsure, weak-minded male from a mile away and will eat him alive. A man who understands his worth knows that what his strengths and weaknesses are and is able to navigate himself into a position of strength in an initial conversation. A man who knows his worth knows that if a woman rejects him, there are five around the corner who would be glad to go out with him. It's also important in relationships. He doesn't feel the need to control every aspect of the relationship, he's not intimidated when she makes more money than him, and she doesn't have to wear a GPS device when she leaves the house.

For women, it's just as important but for different reasons. A man will treat a woman with no sense of worth like a straw wrapper (straw wrapper, you ask? It's only got one use, and once it's fulfilled that use, you toss it away and don't think twice about it).

A woman who understands her worth won't settle for a bad man but also doesn't set unrealistic expectations for her future soul mate. She can see how good a man is even if he doesn't have to degree or the BMW.

The most important thing about knowing your own worth is that you don't lie to yourself. If you have to lie, lie to your mom, brother, spouse, best friend, pastor, ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF. You can't come out the house looking like a circus monkey, thinking you're about to pull Halle Berry. Your job at the strip club? Great for the pocketbook, bad in his mom's book. I'm not judging, just stating facts. The more real you are with yourself, the easier life is for everybody.

So what do you guys think? How important is it to know your worth? And better yet, how was it to date or be in a relationship with someone who didn't know their worth?

Deuces to you all, my good people.

Follow me on twitter @thebootleghitch

The Seven-Ten Split.

2011-02-08T15:17:00.000-06:00

Good afternoon, good people. Hope all is well. Ok, ok - enough with the pleasantries. Today's story is an educational one.

Here's the scenario:

Boy meets girl.
Boy and girl hit it off due some type of chemistry (i.e. looks, conversations or money).
Boy and girl date for awhile.
Boy and/or girl introduce each other to their friends.
Boy and girl begin to hang with the above-mentioned friends and/or other couples.
Boy and/or girl all of sudden find skeletons in the closet, become randomly bored or cheat and decide to go water someone else's lawn.

Break-ups occur all the time, relationships just don't work out.
Spit happens.

The bigger problem is that along the way, you longer are just yourself. You become the couple and that's how people associate you and when you break up, it's hard to disassociate that thought pattern.

With all that being said, when it's over, it's over.
WITH EVERYBODY.

That means if your mother loves that sweet little girl you brought home for the holidays, she'd better love her son more and delete that number out of her phone.
That means if your homegirl thought dude was mad cool, she'd better decide that chillin' with you is cooler.

I know you're probably wondering why I'm coming off so harsh. The simple way to put it is that no one wants to walk around eggshells when encountering someone they were formerly close with just because you want to be Friendly McHappyFace. If you guys were not friends before, you don't need to be after.

One of my homeboys does an auto-delete off all information/social media connections of the person his friend was no longer close with. His reasoning: "If y'all are done, why do I need to continue on with that person?"

Simple words, true statements.

Wish more folks I knew more folks that thought like that.

Am I crazy for thinking that way? Let me know.

That's my time.

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. V.: Shhh!

2011-01-24T14:50:00.001-06:00

The following is a public service announcement from The Bootleg Hitch. The commentary expressed in this column does not reflect the opinions of the owner of this page AKA this man right chea (no Mystikal). The BLH went HAM and almost pulled the column but decided to publish it anyway. We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming later this week. Until then...
-Your neighborhood educator, Mr. Smart Guy.

Women, shut the hell up.

Yes, I said it.

Shut.
The.
Hell.
Up.

That bold statement that I just said almost certainly caused you to immediately scroll down to the comments section and type some ignorant missive about respect of women. But if you are still reading this, then let me tell you why I say this. I was reading a blog from another talented writer (s/o to @slimjackson), and the gist of the blog was that women shouldn’t be afraid to approach a man if they are interested. It’s a compelling read, I’d suggest you check it out. It definitely grabbed my attention when I read the comments left by several women who wanted to quote scripture; specifically, Proverbs 18:22 which says “he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

They felt that since the Bible says he who finds, then it excludes them from having to do anything. As I digested this line of thinking, a slow burn developed in my soul, only this one wasn’t from a night of drinking some of that ole Sweet Water. Not only because of the blatant use of one verse in the bible to justify a point (this drives me crazy), but the verse itself kills the justification of that line of thinking. You don’t think so? Let’s take a look.

The verse says he that findeth a wife. The number one issue I have with this line of thinking is that many times, females are trying to be chased like a wife but aren’t looking for a husband (face-slap no.1).

They are out here looking for a sugar-daddy, somebody to take them out every now and then, a buck-fuddy, or just someone to have a good time with. So ladies, answer this for me: why should a man pursue you in that manner if you not looking for him as a husband? Why should a man have to be the one to constantly put himself out there looking for “The One” when you know damn well you want him as a no. 2, 3, or 4?

The second issue I have is that you confuse letting a man know you are interested with chasing a man. What is wrong with walking by a brother and telling him he looks nice? Why can’t you tell him that you like his outfit, the cologne he wore, or that he’s got a nice smile? Tip: this doesn’t make you look the least bit desperate. What it does is clear up the confusion we have in our minds. Women, you all think you give obvious signs about being interested in a man. Let me let you in on a secret: you’re terrible at it. Cot dayum awful.

I have heard more guys with stories about girls coming up to them years later, complaining about him not giving her the time of day in college when he genuinely had no clue she was interested.

“But why do you think I always sat in the seat 63 degrees in front of your left eye?” Hell, we don’t know, maybe you liked being toward the front of the class. MEN ARE AWFUL AT READING MINDS. Write it down and memorize it. We are too simple for that. State what you want and keep it moving.

The third and final issue I have is for the women who are genuinely looking to settle down. Are you presenting yourself in a manner worthy of being considered a wife? Since we’re in bible country, let us look at what the Bible considers a virtuous wife aka a Proverbs 31 woman. Here are some essential components lifted directly from this passage.
• The heart of her husband safely trusts her.

Random chick raises hand: “So Mr. Bootleg Hitch, if we got together while I was still with another dude but I left the other guy for him, isn’t that me showing my love for him?”

Hell naw, it just means you’re a flighty whore who’s totally untrustworthy. Why would I believe you wouldn’t do that to me?
• She provides food for her household.

If you ain’t cooking, you ain’t wifey material. No need to expound on that, it’s non-negotiable. Moving right along.
• She is clothed with strength and dignity.

Ladies, let me tell you something, a man should never call a woman a hoe. HOWEVER, if a person is walking down the street with a police outfit on talking on a walkie-talkie with a gun on their hip and they AREN’T a cop, they really can’t get mad at me if I try to report a crime to them. Same with you, if you out here dressing like a hoe, acting like a hoe, talking like a hoe, walking like a hoe, don’t be mad when a man tries to treat you like a hoe. Dignity/honor is what we are looking for. I need to be able to take you to the office party and the New Year’s party and not have to worry about you at either spot. I shouldn’t have to shudder when my friends say they know someone who knew you back in school. And strength doesn’t mean being about to bench-press your name brand purse, it means being there for a man and the family and holding us up when we get weak.

So ladies, before you go there about dating and relationships, take a moment and shut the hell up. Make sure you are giving off what you want to get back. And if you want to start quoting bible verses, make extra sure you willing to live up to the standards of what you are quoting.

Deuces to you all, my good people.

Follow me on twitter: @thebootleghitch.

2000: The Everclear Edition.

2011-01-20T23:35:00.000-06:00

The Scene: Summertime
The Mood: Boredom
The Attitude: Composed Confidence (ie Stupidity)

Let me explain.

In a desperate attempt to show my independence, I decided not to travel back to Chicago for the summer. This would've been a wonderful idea but I didn't have a job, which meant no money and no true place to lay my head ~~(or scrub my nether regions)~~. I spent the majority of my time very gypsy-like, staying at various places with friends and taking odd end jobs just to have enough to eat or give gas money to folks who transported me around.

During the downtime of my down time, I hung with a gaggle of people including my pseudo-Hispanic friend, Fred. We've been down since the 7th grade so I knew I could rely on him for just about anything. He's a true friend to this day and one particular time, he saved me from myself. He knew I was feeling a bit down so he called up a few people and invited them out to his house. Next thing I know, we had a house full of people, music and red cups of liquor.

Up until that point, I had never had alcohol (unless you count the mistaken stolen sips of beer and vodka from my aunt's glass - I thought they were apple juice and water). I really didn't like the taste but I commenced to imbibe once I had all that free time. Don't get me wrong, I was no one's alcoholic but I started to increase my tolerance --- so much to the point that I began to boast that I could not become intoxicated.

Pure folly I know but I still believed it. One of my other boys sought to disprove my beliefs and told me to drink a shot. I told him I would and promptly asked for two more. He warned me against this but being stubborn as a mule, I drank them anyway. Turns out what I was drinking was Everclear*.

Everclear is an alcoholic beverage that is 190 proof. In contrast, other hard liquors such as rum and vodka are typically 80 to 120 proof, which contain 40 to 60 percent alcohol. In a nutshell, it's like drinking gasoline.

What happened next is a little hazy for me.

I believe I looked like this:

The recap as explained by the people who were around was this:

Shortly after the last drink, I began to get really hot and I went outside to get some air.
My feet were hot as well so I took off my shoes.
I figured if I ran around maybe I could generate a breeze to cool off.
Somehow, this ended up with people chasing me through the surrounding woods that encapsulated the complex.
Once I was corralled back into the house, I sat for a minute and decided to run to the grocery store for some water.
Yes, I am still in my socks.
I once again captured and taken back to the house.
I take off once again, fearing that I will be late for school if I don't make this bus.
My frustrated friends finally tie me up and I wake up the next afternoon.

In a nutshell, I was an idiot and I have very patient friends. If the situation was reversed, one of those guys would still be in the woods, pop-locking with raccoons and beavers. Glad I finally sobered up (in more ways than just inebriation).

That's my time.

Check out my other 30 for 30's at adifferentmindset.tumblr.com.

The Bootleg HItch Chronicles, Vol. IV: What Women REALLY Want, Closure Edition

2011-01-05T12:47:00.000-06:00

“I just need some closure.” – (insert any female’s name here)

A dear friend of mine ended her relationship with Only College Boyfriend almost 5 years ago. Yet for some reason, she was never able to move on and have a functional relationship with other men. Yeah, he left her on their anniversary and told her she wasn’t marriage material, but come on, it was 5 years ago! Anyways, we spoke the other day, and she seemed as content as I had ever heard her. Me being the nosey negro friend that I am, of course I inquired about her new mood. Her next sentence surprised me; “I finally got closure from Only College Boyfriend.” Once she told me how it happened, I realized we have the concept of closure totally wrong. Today, we making it right.

Closure. Simple word, seven letters, noun loosely meaning “an ending”. But by far, the concept of closure is extraordinarily difficult to achieve. Some woman is still waiting to receive closure from her 9th grade boyfriend who left her for the 10th grade girl (Side note- he left 'cuz she was giving it up and you weren’t. Moving right along). Women all of America are pining for this thing called closure. Men want to give it but can’t seem to make it happen. Why is this so tough to do? What makes closure such a difficult concept? The problem, my friends, is two-fold.

One, women don’t have a clue how to verbalize what they are asking for. Don’t believe me? How many times has a conversation about closure turned into “let’s get one for the road”?

Knowing full well that wasn’t what you were looking for? Or even worse, it turned into a sob session with the phrase “But why?!?!?!” uttered over and over again. How can you get these extreme responses? Because women have no clue what “closure” they are looking for. Sadly, it’s not even their fault. The term has been mangled and abused beyond repair. Some idiot chick wanted to sound sophisticated when she was talking to her ex one day and said the word closure, her girlfriend heard it and liked it, and we’ve been screwed ever since. It’s a false term being used for something else women are looking to achieve. Today we are gonna kill the term once and for all and replace it with another one. More on that in a moment.

The second issue is that men believe that the concept of closure is a session where they give the reasons why the relationship didn’t work and then say “it’s not you, it’s me.” That’s a damn lie. If it was about the guy, he would ask his lady to help him out with his issues. If it was the guy, and he knew he had a ride or die chick, he’d know she would be there for him at the beginning, middle, and end of his problems. So fellas, I’m gonna need us to retire that line in 2011. Ya feel me? Anyways, men at their core try to solve problems. We think that when a woman brings us an issue, she’s bringing us a problem to solve. Farrrrthest thing from the truth. Fellas, unless she asks you “what do you think about that?”, I suggest you shut the hell up, nod your head, and say “I understand”. 90% of the time she just wants to vent, and all you have to do is listen. What a simple concept! Yet we fumble it damn near every time. Totally off the subject, but worth it. But women don’t want us to tell them why it didn’t work. Who would want to hear that negativity? Who asks for a whooping? They aren’t looking for your analysis of why her friends are the bane of your existence. She doesn’t really care that you are on a spiritual journey and you don’t think you got room for her on the train. That’s not what she’s looking for.

What women are really looking for is validation. Women want to know that they actually made an impact in your world. They want to know that you learned something about life, yourself, relationships, the universe, whatever, while you two were together. They want to make sure that all the time, tears, and tattoos (epic fail) were not in vain.

A woman can handle many things, but the one thing she won’t deal with is her time being wasted. She wants to know that you remembered how she fed you when you were broke; how you appreciated her not telling anybody about that time you were so drunk you threw up all over yourself and she cleaned it up. She needs to know you remembered where you went on your first date, what you ate, and who paid for it. Men, she just wants to make sure that she meant something to you. And isn’t that what anybody would want? Don’t we all want to know we left an impression on someone? 'Cuz when it’s all said and done, all we will have of one another are moments and memories, and we only will recall the things that were special to us.

What do you think? Ladies, am I right about this? Men, what are your closure stories?

Deuces to you all, my good people.

Follow me on twitter: @thebootleghitch.

conversate and coordinate...

2011-01-01T16:46:00.001-06:00

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your eardrums (OK, everybody else too). First and foremost, Happy New Year. New years mean new beginnings hence me beginning to write again. Enough small talk though – let’s get down to business.

The other day, I had a conversation with a close friend. She was in a situation where she was dating a gentleman for a period of time. They did a lot of stuff together on a regular basis and to all accounts and from what I gather, they seemed to be quite fond of each other. The only thing this couple did not have was a title.

In her eyes, that was OK because they had each other… until a new position threatened the stint they spent together. Knowing he was leaving, she decided to have the dreaded conversation.

*Cue fancy movie music*
DUN DUN DUNNNNNH!

This, my friends, is where the proverbial fecal waste hit the fan.

He began to bandy about statements about how much he cared for her and wanted to keep her in his life but now was a bad time for him to be making such important decisions. SMART GUY SIDEBAR: this is code for I’d like to keep smangin’* you with the flexibility to skeet on others.

Needless to say, this “relationship” is now, like Stevie Wonder’s hairline: a thing of the past.

Honestly, the homie didn’t have much of a chance. Her fate was predetermined. Once she started asking about status, it was over.

We men are mostly simple creatures. We like to watch sports, eat and luxuriate in latex lovin’ (wrap it up, B!) – and we don’t like being asked questions.

We know what we like – point blank.

Real talk, a man knows within the first 30 days of the courtship period whether or not he would like to take things to the next level with his partner of the moment. He may or may not act on that thought for some time but that is beside the point. Ladies, this is when you should let the letter of the law take place by enacting the 90 Day Rule.

What is the 90 Day Rule?
*cue Antoine Dodson*

Welllllll, the 90 Day Rule is fairly simple. If you are dating someone and after 90 days you are not actively working your way to a relationship, stop what you’re doing, lace up your shoes and turn and walk away because you, my friend are headed in the wrong direction.

I know some of you are scratching your heads to my reference to Hamburger Helper. In my eyes, Hamburger Helper is a delicious treat to satiate your appetite for an indefinite amount of time. It’s quick, inexpensive, and is pleasing to the palate. In a nutshell, when you are hungry - it does the trick.

In my first years after completing my undergraduate studies, I ate Hamburger Helper several times a week, partially in lieu of my finances (or lack thereof). I enjoyed and it definitely served its purpose. But therein lies the problem. Hamburger Helper, while delicious and satisfying for me, merely tided me over until something more filling offered itself up.

This is also what happens when you do not adhere to the 90 Day Rule. You allow yourself to be a placeholder for a more appealing option and in the end, you become left over.

This has been a Mr. Smart Guy Public Service Announcement.

Feel free to let me know what you think.

That’s my time.

- Mr. Smart Guy

*smangin' = smashing + banging - reference is located here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0

Mr. Telephone Man

2010-11-08T13:53:00.000-06:00

What's good, folks?

I'm feeling good, feeling great - how are you?

While on my way on to work this morning, I cued up one of my old school playlists on the iPod to jam to while on the expressway. I was really getting into it, doing car-influenced dance moves (you know like bobbing your head and snapping fingers and then grabbing the wheel real quick-like as to not swerve off into a ditch or another car) and singing parts of the songs (and humming the rest because I don't know all the lyrics) when I came upon a classic joint I hadn't heard in sometime.

The song was New Edition's Mr. Telephone Man. Some of you may not remember this cut but whenever it came on, I began to imitate Ralph and Bobby (the pre-crack version) on the microphone. The pain they felt was real as they sang their hearts out. Here are a few of the lyrics:

Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line/
When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time!/
(Hopeless Romantic Thought: I know it must be the phone 'cuz it couldn't be me!)

She let the phone ring 20 times/
Before she answered/
Let me tell you what happened then/
A minute later I got the operator/
Saying please hang up and place/
Your call again...
(Hopeless Romantic Thought: Maybe she had a bad signal...)

Some strange man is on the telephone
He keeps telling me my baby ain't home
She got no party line
Situation blowing my mind
Oh, I just can't take this anymore...
(Hopeless Romantic Thought: That's probably her cousin, Reggie...)

To make a long story short, Ralph and Bobby never quite do make that connection. Who knows why them fools kept calling a busy number - but that's not the topic I'm really trying to reach today. Ladies and gents, boys and girls, mammals and cats - I'm here again to offer up my sage (and unsolicited) advice into a serious matter: phone etiquette.

Many people do not exercise said etiquette and it is a bit nerve-wracking. I bet you're thinking that you're pretty good at it and you don't need my advice. To that, I think... listen anyway because one of your trifling friends isn't and needs to hear what I gots to say!!!

Sorry, had to get the crunk out of my system...

Picture this scenario:
Boy meets girl (or whatever meeting scenario you wanna stick in).
They exchange pleasantries and phone numbers with promises to call.

Often, people know whether or not they actually plan on calling the person after they receive said number (I don't see the point of taking a number you have no intentions of using but that's a blog for another day.) For this scenario, let's say you are genuinely interested in talking (or for my Chi-Town folks, conversating) to this person.

With that being said, there is an appropriate time line in which one must call.

1) Same day to one day. Um, no. Makes you look too anxious.

2) Two days - five days. Good time frame - gives them time to remember without struggling to who you are.

3) Six days to 12 days. Pushing it - but at least when you say your name, they won't immediately go WHO DAT IS?

Anything more than that and don't bother calling. Even if you have a legitimate excuse on why you couldn't and/or haven't called, the other person believes that you aren't interested.

The common thought is that if you're interested, you'll call. It's a fairly simple rule to follow... but we all know that simple isn't chic - so we do things with a veil of mystery.

That's all fine and dandy - but that allure, that mystery, that intrigue is certainly not as sexy when you are talking to Ray-Ray, your invisible best friend/gangsta rapper about that new young tender you just met.

If you're feeling someone, call them up and whisper a few sweet nothings in their ear. Don't wait for them to call you. Go out and get yours before there is nothing left out there and when you finally do get around to calling, you get the gas face like Ralph and Bobby...

What's your thoughts on this? Let me know...
Ladies - do you feel you have call a man that you want?
Gentlemen - do you feel like you always have to make the first move?

That's my time.

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. 3: Look At The Signs.

2010-10-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

"Oh girl, I love how protective he is of me..."
"It's so cute how he plays video games with my son..."
"I ain't ever seen a teacher wearing GUCCI, but she was SO fine on our date the other night..."
"Yeah, she say she won't go down on a guy unless it's her husband, and I'm cool with that..."

Ahhhh, the things we say when we first start dating somebody. Isn't it wonderful when you meet someone who is not only interesting but interested in you? The butterflies, text messages, instant messages, the ubiquitous self portrait/phone pic, the nights on the phone with one hand on the handset and the other in your boxers (not that I've ever done that... but anyways). The budding of a new relationship is undoubtedly one of the most dynamic feelings one can experience. It makes men who can't spell write poetry and women who can't cook whip up a three course meal. It makes men manscape and women endure Brazilian waxes. Apartments are cleaned, cars are washed, clothes get sent to the cleaners, shoes get shined, tables are dusted, floors are vacuumed, and teeth finally get flossed. All of this in the name of the pursuit of happiness. Many a man and woman have participated in this ritual, and some actually come out of it with a long term relationship, maybe even marriage.

It is in this pursuit that the greatest mistake of any relationship is made. Time and again, both sexes make this mistake early and pay for it dearly later. It causes the following things to be said much later in a relationship.

"WHY DOES HE KEEP HITTING ME!"
"This b-----d is always playing Madden"
"WTF?! Why is my credit card maxed out?!?!?!"
"I tell you what, if she won't do it, somebody else will"

You wanna know why he's knocking your teeth out?
Why she making you take out a title loan to pay the rent?
Why he's always on the Xbox talking on that rackafrackin headset? *
Why she won't treat you to a session of psychotherapy?

Because they told you they were going to do it, that's why. Oh, they may not have come out and said it straight out, but believe this, THE SIGNS ARE ALWAYS THERE.

Every.
Single.
Time.

If you look back on any problems you had with significant others in relationships, you can trace it back to some action or belief that was evident if you would have paid attention. The problem was that your nose was so wide open it obscured your vision.

The mistake... willful ignorance. And we all are guilty. Urban dictionary defines ignorance as 'a blindfolded man sitting in broad daylight saying "I love the dark" and swatting anyone who tries to take the damned thing off'. More accurately, it defines it as "the most dangerous thing in the world". Ignorance isn't bliss, it's just ignorance, plain and simple.

Next time you are in the midst of a great honeymoon phase, take a break and pay attention to what's really going on. It may save you a trip to dentist or some Ms. Palmer loving you never thought you would need.

Anyways, I'm out till the next time.

BLH

Guest Edition: Out of Your League

2010-10-08T09:17:00.000-05:00

This post was written by one of the best writers I know. It's a dope insight... check him out here and also at his spot, Suite 81. Give it up for the homie, Goodnight Snack! - Mr. Smart Guy

I saw a romantic comedy (more comedy than romance, actually) recently called "She's Out of My League." Maybe you've heard of it or seen it. If you haven't (SPOILER ALERT), the synopsis is that an awkward, "average Joe" who is an airport security guard meets a woman at his security checkpoint who is "a perfect 10". To his surprise, she asks him out after witnessing him perform a kind act. Later we discover that she also asked him out because he is in fact the exact opposite of the type of guys she's used to dating. He reluctantly agrees to go on the date, and on said date, she gets to know him better. She eventually takes a more genuine interest in him. The protagonist absolutely cannot believe what is happening (and neither can his friends). In short, he almost ruins his chances with her because he's obsessed with the hotness disparity between them - her being a 10 and him being a 6…as per the plot of the film.

Aside from the comedy, I found the plot to be very entertaining. If you can forgive the obviously and intentional exaggerations of the movie, the situation wasn't much unlike real life. See, we all see people and group them based on some kind of rating scale…at least subconsciously. And we all see ourselves somewhere on that scale. So we all have the tendency to approach people who we think are in our reach. And unfortunately, this scale also leads some of us to think that others are out of our reach, whether we think they're beneath us or above us. What's worse is that we make this leap based solely on physical appearance. The reality, however, is that nobody is really out of anybody's league. Or at least you can't tell immediately…just from looking at someone.

Oh, you don't agree? Well how else does this happen?

Yes, I know they aren't together anymore…but still…

Kevin Bisch (the writer of the film "Hitch") took the thought right out of my head when he based the movie on the concept that ANY guy can have (date…start a successful relationship with) ANY woman. It's absolutely true…and it works both ways. I've never understood why a guy immediately assumes that a woman is out of his reach. I swear it’s the quickest way to miss out on an opportunity. If you see an attractive woman and immediately think to yourself, "Wow, she's gorgeous. She wouldn’t want to be with a schmo like me." Well of course she's out of your league then. You're all awkward and downtrodden, and your body language probably screams "I have no confidence and I'm insecure. I won't be man enough for you in the bedroom because I'll never see myself as the Mandingo you need me to be." Who wants that? But if a fly-azz honey catches your eye and you want to make a move, do yourself a favor and approach the situation like that woman should have absolutely no reason NOT to like you. In fact, you should be focusing on all of the reasons she SHOULD dig you. Because that's how winners are born, son. If you ain't first, you're last.

The more you know.

Anyways, if you have the wrong attitude, you'll find a million reasons NOT to date someone…especially when you have the mindset that you are somehow above them, physically. I can't count the number of times I've heard a woman say she wasn't interested in a guy because he was too short, or too hefty, or not sexy enough. I can't count how many men I know that have not approached a woman because her hair wasn't the right color/length, or her ass and breasts weren't big enough, or because she was too tall. And this movie focused on the inverse scenario - a guy reluctant to go out with a girl because she has too many positive qualities.

My point is, as humans, we (I include myself) play ourselves out of the game. We do it early, and we do it often. And it's all a factor of one character trait: Confidence. You either have it or you don't. And yes, you can be drunk with it. As a man, you (internally) have to have the attitude that you are the most interesting, well-read, entertaining, attractive, biggest-dick-swingin'est, pipe-layin'est cat out there. And as a woman, you have to have the mindset that you are the sexiest, most clever, nurturing, stylish, loving woman with the absolute sweetest p*ssy there is. Again, internally. Externally, that translates into confidence as long as you don't take it too far. And of course, all of that has to at least partially be true or else SOMEBODY is gonna be mad at you later on.

Maybe it's just me, but in my entire dating career, I've never seen a woman and thought to myself, "Damn, Goodnight…you can't holla at that one. She's just too fly for you." F*ck that. I would have made a move on Halle Berry back when I was single. Because hey, why wouldn't she be into me? She's dated pro-athletes, models, crooners, and actors and that sh!t didn't work. Why NOT date a writer/blogger, renaissance-ass cat like myself?

Anyway good people, I'm looking for some honesty here. Have you ever thought somebody was out of your league just because they were too attractive or popular? Why? And have you ever turned someone down because you thought you were out of their league? Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes you're just not attracted to someone. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about turning someone down that you thought was attractive…just not attractive enough. Like you think you're an 8 and they were only a 6.5. Also, what do you rate yourself on the scale of physical beauty (1 thru 10…10 being the highest, of course).

Don't be shy, but be honest. Sharing is caring.

Testin' My Gangsta, Part Deux: Habitual Line Steppin'.

2010-09-16T10:00:00.001-05:00

While driving out of my subdivision this morning, I passed two younger Black males engaged in some type of verbal altercation. One of them seemed to be truly irate as he was gesturing and pointing very angrily at his counterpart. The other one seemed to not enjoy the company of a finger in his face and he proceeded to move his hand to other young man's face. All of sudden, I start to see hands raining down in combat.

I stopped the car to break it up and proceeded to ask them how this all started.
Sidebar: when did I become the old guy to break up fights?

It turns out it stemmed from them disagreeing about who was the better basketball player, Kobe Bryant or LeBron James... and then one of them called the other stupid... and someone's mother got dragged into it and next thing you know, they're fighting as if their lives depended on it.

And of course, once the mama gets dragged in - it's time to rumble.

I can't deny I was tickled by how that all started but I quickly remembered that I was once young and dumb myself. In fact, I was extra idiotic in several instances. Let me go ahead and tell you about it.

Cue Minnie Riperton.
*Back down Memory Lane....*

It was fall 1998.

The leaves were starting to change colors and a chill was starting to fill the air. I was starting to adapt to life away from home and had begun to venture out to make new friends and new experiences. It was also around this time I began to start routines, such as hanging out on the yard, playing spades and staying up late to have in-depth conversations about women.

Give me a break here, I was 17.

Doing all these things would leave me famished and tired so these things would usually coincide with a late-night fast food run. Unfortunately, the bustling urban jungle of Nashville had minimal options of sustenance after 10 pm, save for the always satisfying (and affordable) Wendy's.

Nothing says delicious like 99 cent nuggets at 2 in the morning but I digress....

Sadly, the nearest Wendy's was about 20 minute walk away from campus and my institution was not necessarily in the safest of areas, so the only way I could get to that greasy goodness was to hitch a ride. Many of my fellow freshmen did not own vehicles but I was lucky enough to know who did. My good friend from Los Angeles (via Little Rock via Chicago) would make the trek in his trusty Amigo and several of us would pile in to taste what Dave Thomas' red-haired daughter was cooking.

This one evening in particular, I was particularly hungry. It felt like my stomach lining was touching my spine and that Sally Struthers would soon appear asking people to send money for me. It turns out that I wasn't the only suffering from that particular malady because all of a sudden I heard the most magical words ever: GOIN' ON A FOOD RUN!

Being the smart guy I am, I called out shotgun* to ensure that I would be first in line to quell this internal rumble in my jungle.

*This is for my non-urban people. Shotgun is a term used to infer claim to the passenger seat in a vehicle.*

I then sped out to the Amigo (along with 5 other hungry souls) to journey towards to holla at Young Dub (that was my nickname for her - she was my boo) when I noticed someone sitting in the front seat.

"Hmmm..." I thought to myself. "Maybe he didn't hear me say shotgun."

I spoke to him and let him know that I had indeed called shotgun and that sadly he'd have to go to the back and sit thigh to thigh with the other brothas in the back.

He looked at me and said: "Forget all that, I beat you to the car."

Man Law #1725.49: When one person calls SHOTGUN, that person reserves the right to sit in that seat unless driver defers or person relinquishes position of passenger seat.

Neither of these things occurred so I calmly went back to the gentleman and let him know that rule and asked him to move to the back.

He looked back at me and said: "Tough tits."

I have to admit I was taken aback by the crass words uttered by this young man. ~~I might've even gasped.~~ I began to float away and have an inner conversation with my conscience. Here is a snippet of it.

Me: "Self, is this fool tryna punk me?"

My Conscience (speaking back): "Um yeah, Captain Obvious."
Me: "What is I gonna do?"
My Conscience: "Break that fool."

With lightning quickness, I began to try and wrap that ruffian like a pretzel and push his head to the backseat. I was sure that adrenaline had started pumping through veins because I starting cursing at him like I was speaking tongues like Sister Claudine. You know her, that one lady who catches the Holy Ghost right after offering every Sunday at 12:45 pm.

It was at that time that it occurred to me that we were fighting over the front seat.

Yes.

We are fighting over the front seat.
Not over world peace.
Not over pro-life or pro-choice.
Not Michael Jackson or Prince.
Not Coke or Pepsi.
The.
Front.
Seat.

Next thing I know, we're being separated and pulled away from each other and my boy lets us all know that unless we chill out, nobody was going to Wendy's. Needless to say, we all straightened up rather quickly and I got my seat (along with a stiff neck, swollen lip and sore temple).

I thought about it during the aftermath as I gummed my Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.

You just someone fought over the front seat.
Was it really worth it?

You bet your auntie's tough tits it was.

Before I let you go, let me know about a time you've had a dumb disagreement/fight/altercation.

That's my time.

Swinging for the Fences.

2010-09-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine about some things and we got on the topic of dating. It seems this gentleman (who will remain nameless due to the stupid comments to follow) had a gripe about trying to find a companion to spend time with in today's society and lamented about how hard it was to find the right person. I've had my share of pitfalls going back and forth in the dating game but I can't say that my compadre made it easy on himself. This guy insisted on pursuing a particular type of woman he was interested in and refused to budge from his list of lust.

This wouldn't be so bad if he were looking for specific items like literacy, no venereal diseases or possessing a full set of teeth. No, no - he wanted things like: must be a size 4 or smaller, shorter than 5'5 and absolutely no children. Keep in mind, he is an educated dude with a nice heart but the good Lord didn't necessarily bless him with rugged looks ~~or a salary to compensate for those things~~.

I had to stop and let him know this sound piece of advice:
STOP SWINGING FOR HOME RUNS.
JUST GET YOUR BUTT ON BASE FIRST.

Instead of trying to find someone to be the perfect mate, stop being picky and just find A DATE.
Hey, that rhymed. No Al Sharpton.

Seriously though, you'd be surprised what's waiting out there. It's not all bad out there.

Yes, I know it's shocking.

After setting him straight, I jumped back on to chat with a few more of my friends and the homie Buffalo Wings hit me up to catch me up on some things. It seems that Buff hooked up an jobless acquaintance with a lead on some employment and that person neglected to even follow up on the lead because "the paper wasn't large enough".

Cue Antoine Dodson.

Last time, I checked zero plus zero equals zero. I'd much rather have my pockets filled with extra medium paper rather none at all.

I'm just sayin'...

Again, stay in your lane.

Stop swinging for home runs.

You'll get yours in due time.

That's my time.
----------------------
Before I let you go (no BlackStreet), let me know if I'm off-base or if you know any of these delusional folks out here in the streets.

- Smart Guy

Smart Music Mondays: The Magnavox Masterpiece, Volume 1

2010-08-30T15:42:00.001-05:00

The newest installment in the Smart Sounds series. Check it out!

The A Side
Yahzarah - Strike Up The Band
Jay-Z - Summer in Brooklyn (Quincy Jones Cookin' Soul Remix)
Camp Lo - Coolie High
The Notorious B.I.G - The World Is Filled...
Miguel - All I Want Is You
Electric Wire Hustle - Perception
OutKast - Jazzy Belle (Dwele Mix)
Sade - Keep Looking
B.o.B - Fame
Drake - Show Me A Good Time
Vigilant - Feel Good Music
Cee-Lo - I Want You
Miles Bonny - Learnin' To Fly
Ryan Leslie - Addiction [SIIK rmx]
Maroon 5 - Goodnight Goodnight [KNO rmx]
The Foreign Exchange - Nic's Groove
Mos Def - Got
Kanye West - We Major (The Kickdrums Remix)

DOWNLOAD

The B Side
Curren$y - Skybourne
Rick Ross - Aston Martin Music [rmx]
Big Boi - Shutterbugg
Re@l Talk - Move On
Benamin - Apollo 13
Lupe Fiasco - Go To Sleep
Slakah The Beatchild - Share
Tweek - So Natural
The Stuyvesants - Panty Dropper
Childish Gambino - Got This Money
Freebass 808 - Rewind
Peter Hadar - Party All Night
Nero - Can't Wait
Janelle Monae - Tightrope [Wondamix]
Common - GO!
Talib Kweli - Soon the New Day
Lloyd - Hazel
Erykah Badu - Back In The Day (Puff)

DOWNLOAD

Let me know your thoughts...

That's my time.

The links should work now...

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. 2: This Is Not The Super Bowl, Dammit!

2010-08-20T14:01:00.001-05:00

Ohhhhhhhhh I am back, and with a vengeance.

Let's skip the pleasantries and get down to it.

I was talking to a cousin on the phone the other day, and she was describing her new man which is actually a guy she has known for years but they finally realized they like each other (such a cliche movie, I know).

Anyways, she went down the list of great qualities:

* his single status
* looks
* style
* stable job
* no kids (I strongly advised her to do a background check to confirm that, as wrong as that may be)

She droned on and on about what a great guy he was, but she was perplexed as to why they haven't discussed marriage yet. It took me a second, but I quickly realized I hadn't asked a pertinent question.

Me: "Cuz, how long have you all been dating?"
Cuz: "Three months."

What ensued was a verbal onslaught the likes that have not been seen since Eddie Murphy performing Raw.

I was thoroughly incensed at this blatant disregard for the dating process, which I will get into the necessities of at another time, just because "I love him and I'm getting old" in her view (she's 28...). I lectured, cursed, and questioned her for the next 25 minutes over the absurdity of her statement. Whatever point I would bring up, she would always come back to the fact that she was ready to get married. When I asked her why she was ready to get married, her response was simply "Because I am".

After getting off the phone thoroughly frustrated, I eventually realized that this rationale is not her fault. Mostly, it's her mother's fault, her girlfriends fault, and to a lesser degree - society's fault. And before you say it, yes, I did blame the women, and no, men aren't at fault. Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain.

The problem is that she doesn't want marriage, she wants to get married. Meaning that she unconsciously is not looking forward to a long life with this man, but she is focused on the act of getting married. Specifically, she wants her dream wedding. Oh... you can picture it now, a beautiful summer day, 12 bridesmaids, the flowing white dress, 400 people in attendance, the 2 carat diamond princess cut solitaire, the sit down catered reception, the first dance, all just for her.

And this is where women fail in dating, and it's one of the major reasons the divorce rate is skyrocketing. Too much concern about the wedding day, not nearly enough concern about the next 6000 days and how to make the marriage work. So the question is why are women like this? Unfortunately, it starts early. Movies show the fairy tale wedding but never what happened after that. Their mothers are always asking "When are you getting married" instead of asking "When are you going to find a good man to spend the rest of your life with?" They see their girlfriends get married and want that day for themselves. Their friends lie to them about how great their marriage is when in fact it's more Ike and Tina then Barack and Michelle.

They are tired of seeing all the bridesmaid dresses in their closet.

Society looks at them and wonders what's wrong with them if they aren't married, which feeds into the insecurity and leads to a rush to get married, hence the dilemma my cousin now finds herself in.

We have failed our women. We have taught them that the wedding is the Super Bowl, the end all be all, the greatest experience in their lifetime, when in fact it is just the beginning of a longggg season, much more similar to NASCAR and the Daytona 500. I challenge you all from here on in, kill the talk about getting married and start asking about happiness and whether they are ready for marriage, which is a totally different question. Maybe we can stop some of these train wrecks before they start.

That's my take. What do you think? Did I miss something in this post?

BLH

It Ain't My Fault. No Silkk.

2010-08-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

What's good, folks? I hope all is well with you.

I got the chance to see Kevin Hart at Zanies the other evening and of course, hilarity ensued. He waxed poetic about a myriad of topics, including drug abuse, family life and living within your means. He also introduced a couple of comedians, Comedian Spank and Na'im Lynn. Both of those cats were hilarious as well but Na'im said something that really stuck with me.

He made the statement that 80% of the time when men cheat, it is NOT the woman's fault ~~due to the woman not being able to have multiple vaginal areas.~~ I agreed with him for the most part as some of my fellow gender mates have the propensity to revert to child-like status (i.e. fall prey to the can't follow the look but don't touch rule) when introduced to someone's well-developed daughter's impressive physical attributes. But that's not what I'm here to discuss today.

No, no, I say - those fellows are easy targets.

Today, I'm going after the real culprits, the women who allow men to do relationship things without being in a real relationship.

Chances are - you know one of these individuals.

She boastfully speaks about great her man is and all the amazing things that do. The plain truth is he ain't that great and if they do anything amazing at all, it usually involves prophylactics (wrap it up, B!), whipped cream and lowered inhibitions. This woman usually perpetrates about a myriad of things but when it comes to this faux relationship, she has the answers for every "silly" question you might have.

For example:
Keisha: My man sho is good to me. I think he's the one.

Concerned Friend: Why is that?
Keisha: Gurl, he make my toes curl and he dress real nice.

Concerned Friend: What do y'all do for fun?
Keisha: He just like to hang out at the house and cuddle with me.
SMART GUY SIDEBAR: If a guy does not take you outside of the house for a date more than 2 times a month MINIMUM, you are not his girlfriend. You are his concubine.

Concerned Friend: Oh. Um. Well, how does he treat his mama?
Keisha: He love her a lot. He be leaving out of the room all the time to talk to her.
SMART GUY SIDEBAR: If a guy leaves the room to talk on the phone repeatedly, you are not his girlfriend. You are the sideline chick. Any man who is invested in you will be unafraid to talk right there in front of you because he has nothing to hide.

Concerned Friend: Have you met any of his friends?
Keisha: Naw, not yet.

Concerned Friend: How long have you been dating?

Keisha: Six months.

SMART GUY SIDEBAR: If it has been six months and you still haven't met any of his friends, I must hasten you to call the police because that man is abducting your feminine feel-good (and also your common sense). A man who is really feeling a woman can't wait to tell his friends about her and will make plans for them to meet (partially because some dudes want to here how well they did in choosing their mate.)

All in all, Keisha does not have a man. She has a moan.

Easy mistake, I suppose as the two words do look awfully similar.

In the end, the likelihood of Keisha's moan becoming a man are pretty slim and chances are Keisha will find about some other woman and she'll cry about how men are dogs and she should have never ~~gave him head~~ kissed him on the first night.

In reality, what she should have done is set the boundaries of the relationship from the start and set ground rules of what she expects in the long run.

But that's just my take... what say you?

Am I offbase? Do you agree?

Let me know.

That's my time.

wookin' pa nub.

2010-08-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

It’s seems nowadays most single people feel a certain way. You’re tired of seeing everyone else fall in love. You can only find buck fuddies, OPP’s (other people’s property), lunatics or people who want to be just friends. (Everyone can understand this. At one point or another, you are content for everyone else who is finding that special someone, but, hell, it ain’t you… so [bleep] them!) You are yearning to find a love of your own and unless you live in the land of make-believe, Prince (or Princess Charming) is probably not on their trusty steed, waiting to save you from your current plight.

With that being said, you have to start somewhere.
Waiting on the corner with a sign is more likely to illicit stares, whistles and police sirens than a potential mate. Trying to find a companion is harder than a 16 year old watching the Greatest ~~Licks~~ Hits of Karrine Steffans. It’s a science, an art, a great ability and definitely not an easy task.

How sure are you that you're looking in the right place?
You could be at the supermarket, squeezing melons for their ripeness and Mister/Miss Right could be an aisle away. Think about it. Romance can come from anywhere and any form. Finding it is the most difficult game you'll ever play. And more often than not, it shows up where you're not looking for it (like that movie that you ended up buying again because your boy had stole it).

I'm not one who puts faith in things like horoscopes, luck or fate, but you can't help but wonder about those people got together by circumstances. You know them: the dude who met his girl at that set he almost left early, the chick who wanted her future beau’s best friend to be interested in her - maybe some of y'all should just wearing four-leaf clovers, eating Lucky Charms and carrying a rabbit’s foot everywhere you go.

You probably are pissed at me now because I’m making things harder for to deal with.
Not only do I have to have some semblance of sanity, but I have to be lucky, too? Damn!

Not necessarily; unlike in the casinos, this is one of those areas where you can create your own destiny. Just be in the right place at the right time, strategically placed with [insert romantic gift here] and look alluring.

That’s not so hard, is it?

Now, you have to decide where to find this romance… mmmm… still thinking, trying to figure it out….

OK, you have to look nowhere (don’t want to seem needy) and everywhere (be ready for anything).
It's complex simplicity.

I'm not telling you to stalk your love-to-be with tokens of affection. Do you really want to tell your grandchildren that you were dippin' it low when you met Big Daddy?

Probably not.

Please don’t think I want you to sit at home and count the holes in your Swiss cheese, either. Just realize that romance can be just down the street, around the corner, or even next door. You just have to be ready to let that vacancy be filled in your Heartbreak Hotel.

You also have to be open to other avenues. Personals, dating services, and meeting people on the Internet have been known to work once in a while (as desperate as that might seem). Now, I'm sure you're looking crazy at your computer screen, shaking your head and thinking that only ugly people sink that low. You also might think that any of those three is a sure-fire way to meet some lunatic, nut-job or freak. However, you probably know someone who has tried the traditional ways of meeting people and still met lunatics, nut-jobs and freaks. Might as well give it a try; being alone is only OK for so long.

But, Mr. Smart Guy, I’m not just going to go out with any Tom, Dick or Rodrigo.
Why the hell not?

What other options do you really have?
The dude with the lazy eye your aunt is trying to introduce to you?
The chick with the Steve Harvey mustache who gave the eye at Waffle House?

To be happy, you have to throw out your rules:
"I like chicks that are light-skinneded with big boobs."
"He gotta make X amount of money and no kids."
"I ain’t messin with no one who ain’t got a car."
What ever happened to falling in love with a nigga with a bus pass?!!!

Of all my advice, this is the most important rule to take with you. It doesn’t matter what ways you go about finding someone if you stay too selective. I once heard from a wise soul that selection can be the progression to your erection so always use your discretion.
I still have no idea what that means.

Know that your lover man could make enough to provide a family (yours and his) or his car could be in the shop. Your dream girl could be that brown-skinned cutie with a big old booty. Keep your eyes and your mind open. It doesn't guarantee that you'll find love, but it will definitely increase your chances.

Be on the lookout. Keep perusing the area for the right person. Leave yourself open, but don't look desperate. That's never good. If you happen to meet a few lunatics along the way, don't give up --- but if it doesn’t work out, there is always reading my stuff…

Until next time…

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Numero One.

2010-07-26T14:37:00.001-05:00

I'm pleased to introduce a new writer on board and he's well-versed in the affairs of the heart. He's pretty knowledgeable in the game. I would say more but I'll let his words do the speaking for him. Give some love to the BootLeg Hitch! - Mr. Smart Guy

Allow me to introduce myself - I like to call myself the Bootleg Hitch. I've got great advice for men and women minus the money and sculpted physique of the fictional Hitch character, hence the bootleg version. Anyways, I see a deficit in good advice for men and women who are any type of relationship (from marriage to booty calls) but mainly, my advice will focus on the pursuit of relationships. Let's get to it.

The number 1 question I get from guys:

"How can I be certain to get those digits?"

Such a loaded question, but a great one. By far, the most difficult task is the first one. So many things have to go right for this to happen but it's far from impossible. Follow these simple steps and you will increase your odds to definitely north of 50%

1. The hygiene game must be on point.

It is amazing how many guys fail themselves on this one alone, which merits an automatic disqualification for women faster than a wrestler using a chair in an old WWF match.

A shower, mints, cologne, and a decent line are minimum requirements. No woman wants to know that you train monkeys for Ringling Bros. by the time you finish your first handshake.

2. NEVER approach a woman in a group of 3 or more without a wingman...

Like raw meat thrown to a pack of hyenas, you are asking to get eaten alive. The ratio of women to men can never be more than 2:1. Trust me, I've done the research.

3. ...unless you are going to give her a compliment and immediately walk away.

This is a technique rarely used but highly effective. The compliment puts a smile on her face, gets her to notice you, and when she inevitably tells her friends what you said, they put the knives away. On the flip side, you don't have to stand there and fight for attention while the other friends look at you with the evil eye for not choosing them, and if she likes you, she will make certain you get the opportunity for some one-on-one time.

4. Pay attention.

This piece of advice is of the utmost importance. Notice what drink she is ordering. Watch who she is watching, what she is laughing at and if she is grooving to a particular song. Use it to your advantage. Nothing will impress a lady more than if you can see she is grooving to Prince, walk over and discuss his value as a great artist, then ask her if she wants another drink and ordering it BEFORE she tells you what she is drinking. It means you cared enough to pay attention, and all women want someone who notices the small stuff.

That’s all for now. I'll be sharing more with you all in the coming columns. In addition, any questions you want answered for your truly - by all means, please post to the page.

Were these tips on point, people?

Let me know what you think...

The BLH (BootLeg Hitch)

Milk Sold Separately.

2010-07-14T13:20:00.000-05:00

What's up, folks?

Hope is well with you. I just wanted to share the views I had about a conversation I had recently.

The other day, one of my good friends and called for dating advice and I felt obliged to assist her in these affairs of the heart. It seems as if she is interested in a young man and things have been going well between the two of them. They have been dating for a few weeks now and this gentleman seems to have all of his teeth, no felonies on his record and no visible signs of some tragic venereal disease - all in all, a real keeper.

With all this chemistry starting to build between the two of them, she wanted to see how soon was TOO SOON for them to get know each other like Adam & Eve, no leaves. I politely explained to her that in that situation, it's different strokes for different folks (no pun intended).

Some believe that you should wait until you jump over the broom to get to that bedroom boom. Others believe that love has no limitations and that if you're feeling it, just get to it.

I can understand both stances but as a virile, yet old-fashioned gentleman - I tend to fall in the middle.

I'm not rude; if the cake is offered to me right away, I'm gonna eat it.
Am I gonna savor the flavor of it? Am I going to appreciate the time it took you to make the cake extra delicious? Maybe. But there's a chance, I might just look at it for what it is: cake.

On the other side; I might get famished while waiting.
You're telling me I have to give all this delicious pastry surrounding and hope that your delectable moistness is going to satiate my hunger? Chances are most won't have that willpower.

My overall belief as a man (and moreover a hungry, hungry hippo) is that you have to eat real food first (i.e. discussions about life, what flavor Kool-Aid goes best with spaghetti, politics and musical selections, etc) before you can enjoy that dessert of the cookie, lest you end up being unsettled in the long run.

Booker T. Washington once said: "Nothing ever comes to one, that is worth having, except as a result of hard work."

Real talk: I'm not going to know how far we can fly if I'm always grounded between your thighs.

Let me know if I'm off-base. How long do/would you wait to consummate?

That's my time.

Guest Post: Put a Ring On It, 2.5: Why You Should STFU

2010-07-05T11:48:00.002-05:00

Klkenned came up with a part 2 to her original post. Who am I to begrudge her the spotlight? Check it out when you get a chance. - Mr. Smart Guy

Dear Ladies

I said:
STFU. I think this is pretty self explanatory. There’s no science to shutting up. He’s not listening to you because if he had to listen to you every time you opened your mouth, he could NEVER DO ANYTHING ELSE. STFU.

And my readers said:
Particularly disgusting is the advice a woman sucking one's way to a wedding ring. This will not guarantee a thing except maybe some STDs in a highly visible area.
Keeping silent as a war tactic to deceive a guy will only lead him to not knowing who you really are, and it also demeans him to the role of an enemy... not the kind to avoid, but the kind to lay a trap for and feed off of like a parasite.
Way to go... Our nonstop war mentality has invaded our hearts and our bedrooms, and with the advice in this post, I see no peace.
- K.I.T.

her married man is probably creeping with one of the single women because he enjoys her conversation.... LOL!!!!!
- H.R.

Otherwise, it sounds like another bird-ass married bitch (and I do mean bitch) giving advice about somewhere people are different. Fuck her.
AND
I’m tired of simple bitches like this author
- J.W., the only male who had something negative to “contribute”

Does she even love her husband?
- anonymous

I know plenty of women who follow these rules and get beat, cheated on, etc. So I'd like to respectfully FOH with this shit…
I am one of those women that don't STFU and decided to have a career…
I'm not one of those women willing to settle for some guy for the sake of having a ring on it. Much less some guy that thinks my place is to have his dick in my mouth and STFU. I'm good on that. I'm looking for a partner not a master…
- D.R.

I will not bother to address the head issue. Fact: If you do not give head, you are obsolete. Period. I don’t think there’s much to debate. If you think giving head is “disgusting” then you probably don’t have a very enjoyable sex life, married or not. And if you think that’s gross, you wanna hear something that’s REALLY gross? There is NO PART of my husband’s body I will NOT put in my mouth. Isn’t that disgusting? Ha ha!

Nor will I address concerns about the state of my marriage or being called a bird or a bitch because I understand that people feel comfortable under the relative guise of anonymity the internet provides to say the kind of shit that would, in real life, get you slapped. And that’s okay. I don’t do it, but I understand why others would. Moving on…

I would like to address STFU.

big, exacerbated huge,sigh

I abbreviated many of the comments to show you the most childish parts, but the gist of them go something like this:

WHO are YOU to tell ME that I need to STFU? I have earned (insert what they consider to be impressive credentials) and you are promoting (insert some misguided historical and/or misogynistic perspective here) and not only that but lemme tell you WHY I don’t get what you are really trying to tell me, BITCH.

First lemme say, ya mama’s a bitch...Yeah I said it.
Second, let me help you out.
False feminists kill me. You took one class in women’s studies in undergrad and now you can’t stand the idea that a man may think he’s better at you at something – ANYTHING. I hate to break it to you but guess what? Many of them ARE better than you at many things, and if that means hiring a male fireman who can carry my fat ass out of a burning building instead of a female who CAN’T (cause, as previously stated, I’m fat) then dammit, ladies, get in the unemployment line cause I’m not getting any thinner. But that point is neither here nor there because its.not.even.relevant. You brought up historical perspective on shit that doesn’t even need a historical perspective. STFU is something that applies to ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE.

ALL of them.

Some of you have taken to heart the fact that I was speaking to women in regard to men. “way to bring back antiquated perspectives. Way to set us back 100 years, BITCH.” You’re gonna get sick of calling me a bitch. . . Yet NONE OF YOU seemed to think shutting the fuck up was a bad idea when it came to the men. When I told guys to shut up, women were like, hell.yeah. Even those who were like, “fuck her.” I’m talking to YOU, J.W.. . . So why is that, you demanders of equal rights for women? WHERE was your historical perspective then? There was none. WHY? Cause it didn’t apply. Why didn’t it apply? Because it wasn’t relevant. I directed my first note to the ladies because I honestly believe we are the superior sex. My delivery wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine because a.) I’m not Oprah – I keeps it real and b.) I know we can do better. We are NOT the nagging, chicken head heauxs they make us out to be. Our contributions are just as valuable as any man’s, but aren’t recognized because we spend so much time talking about absolutely.nothing.

It’s a universally applicable and clearly (per receipt of my comments above) very rarely applied concept. I chose the romantic relationship aspect to which to apply it because that was the particular topic I chose to discuss. If I were talking about raising your kids, dealing with a problem with your best friends, or how to deal with your in-laws (whoops! You’d have to be married to have those – never mind), or how to land that promotion in the career for which you have chosen above fostering healthy relationships, the bullet STFU would STILL.BE.THERE…

So let me take a moment to explain WHY.

There are clearly, as demonstrated by the comments above, many people who have lead lives so unexamined and lacking in introspection that they cannot ever think of a time where they should have just STFU. There is not one debate, not one blog uncommented on, not ONE argument that could have been avoided if they had just chosen to NOT say anything at all. “STFU!? You mean there is a time where someone just gets sick of me expressing my thoughtless, biased, and often uneducated opinion?” YES. “What do you mean people get embarrassed when I come around or that people get physically ill at the sound of my voice?” YES!!! Those of you who think I am just making shit up, ASK your significant other. Ask him, ladies and my one male in opposition, if there was EVER a time where he wished you would just STFU. That one time you got put out of the restaurant for talking bad to your waitress? How about that time you called his sister a crackhead? No? Don’t think you shoulda shut up then?

You do. You can think of 100 times where you thought, I probably shouldn’t have said that. So WHY doesn’t that apply to the person who means the most to you? Why doesn’t that person make you want to please them? And why do you think pleasing that person means you have to stifle your very being or do something “disgusting” to them? IS your very being your ability to run your mouth incessantly? If shutting up means you now consider yourself to be “someone else,” or “being false” then you are clearly more about talking about it then being about it anyway, and my blog was for the doers, not the shit talkers. Don’t let your strong black womanhood get in the way of experiencing love as it should be, between two people who care enough about each other to compromise and make sacrifices. It’s not about you bowing down to anything. Its about knowing when battles are better fought with your mouth…or with your *mouth* (Ha! Get it?! It’s about shutting up AND giving head!) FYI, these questions are not meant to be answered in the comments section of this blog. You need to answer these questions for yourselves, blog haters.

So before you go making comments about shit you don’t know about, let me tell you a little about me:
My parents were married for 37 years before my father dropped dead on a tennis court on 05. My mother still considers herself to be married.
I have been married for 3 years now. We were together 2 years before we got married and before you go talking shit about our tenure together, lemme tell you that just because you’ve been together 10 years, doesn’t mean your relationship is awesome…and you STILL ain’t married.

zing!

And yes, I do believe in love at first sight, am a strong advocate of PDA, online and otherwise, and love a good foot massage…

I am married to a short, really cute, brown skinned alpha man who often gets mistaken for a Dominican cause he has straight hair. I think he’s the bee’s knees, and if you’ve ever met him, you do, too.
I had a baby at 19. I then went on to complete 3 degrees (1b, 2 m). This will be the ONLY TIME you will ever hear me say that because I hate people who constantly berate me with their rags to riches stories and fancy degrees. Fuck you, I got 3 of ‘em WITH a baby. Boo-ya.
As a result, I have a really sweet job where I get a lot of money, to do work that is not super hard, and I can wear whatever I want to work. Private sector rocks!
And if the above isn’t reason enough to get like me, here’s the piece de resistance:

Think that baby’s cute? Damn right she is, and she’s mine. You know what I miss about single motherhood? NOTHING. There is nothing glamorous about deciding to reproduce with someone who doesn’t love you or respect you enough to marry you or take care of his kids. Been there. Done that. Over it.
Four Words:
Get Like Me, Bitches. (Ha! WHO’S the bitch now?!)
Klkenned
And yes, you can follow me on twitter…that is, if I accept your follow request.
*block game proper*

Power Supply.

2010-07-02T11:05:00.000-05:00

In lieu of several events that have happened somehow recently, I felt it was important to get this message out to the masses (especially my fellow males) as hastily as I could… so let me learn ya somethin’.

P***y is a whole different aspect of life

Wars don't started from country to country, over they women

P***y, is one of the most powerful thangs in the world

And a lot of people don't understand how powerful p***y is

P***y make niggas, blow they brains out, they b***h brains out

Uh, uh, p***y makes people do thangs they never would think they'd do

- Devin the Dude

There is power in the POWER.

Guttural and repetitious, but true.

Women have used it since Victoria first found her secret itself.

Think about it: Why in the world was Adam so damn gung-ho to taste the forbidden fruit?

He was swayed by the thought (and innate power) of savoring Eve's prohibited produce.

People of every color and walk of life succumb to that power every day.

Look at Bill “The Thrill” Clinton AKA Slick Willie. He was one of the most revered persons in the world. Next thing you know he’s apologizing for the masses about what he did or didn’t do. (We all know Bill got more than that from Monica but we’ll go with his story).That was just plain dumb -- but hey, that’s the POWER in effect. Why else would a president risk the losing his office and the trust of his voters to get some action behind the presidential desk in the Oval Office?

However it came down (pun intended), Bill was just one of countless men who have faltered under the POWER. Men submit to it every second of every day. If this all sounds too harsh or too unpleasant for you, then you're in denial about the unsympathetic reality of everyday life.

Have you ever noticed how the only things that dudes are typically afraid of the things that their significant others will be most upset about? Most of us males live in fear that females will find out and somehow punish us.

Women?

They don't care.

They'll do what they want, and dare you to do something about it.

Any dude who's ever articulated the words "you need ANOTHER pair of shoes?" and subsequently gotten THE LOOK knows exactly what I mean.

And what do you do?

That's right, nothing. Just stand there and take it -- therein lies the beauty of the POWER.

Fellas, don't be discouraged, or get into a state of panic over it. This isn't exactly a new development, and it doesn't threaten our manhood any more than it did 5 minutes ago. This is the way it's always been.

Think about it.

As a kid, who ran everything? Moms.

She told you what to do.

She told everyone what to do (and still does).

And you listen --- or ELSE.

Why?

Because she has the POWER, the POWER to bring you into this world and the POWER to take you out (all women have it, some just don't execute it as well as others). To paraphrase a line from the cinematic classic, The Player's Club; women use what they have to get what they want.

The POWER is what it is: It's the beginning of life and what makes life more enjoyable for all who enter. And that's where trouble starts -- entering the entrance. The one logical and lucid thing I've ever heard about sex was that when a man enters a woman, it's volatile and more explosive than laxatives mixed with a night of extra-hot enchiladas and Grandé margaritas.

The power of the p-*-*-*-y

That's why every motherfucker in the world dress fly

Every baller that can afford it, they cop the best ride

For the power of the p-*-*-*-y, let's have some fun

S-s-y, that's why niggas get they haircuts, try to dress fly

Every baller that can afford it, he cop the best ride

For the power of the p-*-*-*-y

- Jay-Z

Men never want to admit how attached we are to the POWER, but we are. We will risk everything -- marriages, houses, careers, children (the fate of the world, even) -- for just a taste, a few seconds to backstroke in warm glory. To be honest, half of the things men purchase are for women. ~~The only reason why I have a car is that I can't go out on a date on the bus.~~ (Whatever happened to falling in love with a n***a with a bus pass just 'cuz you loved a n***...)

Ankle Express just won't do it so we conform, suck it up and spend money we don't have. We clean up our cribs, put the toilet seat down and keep fancy things around the house like coasters and fabric softener.

Ultimately, ladies - be mindful that the POWER is more evident than what it's used for, because it's an icon for control and peace. Remember to shake what your momma gave ya, use it and don't abuse it - because when it comes to the POWER, when one decides to terminate the supply, another is getting ready to be turned on...

Just remember who has it, because she who uses it well, isn't a freak. She's just a POWERful woman who is using her God-given ability. Use the force and do the damn thing.

Before I go, let me know: am I off-base? Did I leave anything out? Let me know.

That’s my time.

My Life With MJ.

2010-06-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was ~~lurking on~~ perusing Twitter, catching up on my timeline while on a break at work when I ran across an interesting tweet.

Good morning, Twitter BEST not shut down tomorrow b/c you heauxs wanna talk about Michael Jackson dying exactly a year ago. #youdidntknowhim

The commenter went on to lambast fairweather fans for their emotional outbursts over the death of a legend, extorting that we didn't know him personally.

Well allow me to retort.

Michael Joseph Jackson has been a part of my life since as long as I can remember. Yes, indeed, MJ and I kicked it tough.

Back in the day, I was lil' Michael Jackson, forced to sing Billie Jean for company as they smiled and chuckled at the exuberance I exuded as I moonwalked across the room. (The Big Bro usually just sat back and laughed at my expense.) I even rocked the glove, complete with white socks and black shoes. After I tired of dancing, my older relatives would pinch my cheeks until they were sore and I would run off -- and turn on the radio.

Yes, I would rush out to perform as hard as I could --- down to the smallest of baby pelvic gyrations, trying to figure out why Billie Jean was not my lover.

I looked like Alfonso Ribero.

Not too long after that, I laughed until tears ran down my eyes as the Big Bro got his tail torn off for ordering a Michael Jackson watch COD from Time Life.

When Bad dropped, I would giggle (yeah, I said giggle) everytime he said "your butt is mine".

*stifles laughter*

I have to admit that I was a huge fan.

I remember my Big Mama telling me that stuff always happened in threes, whether it be good or bad. She sure was right because in 1991, I discovered The Box, Shamrock Shakes and the album, Dangerous.

It taught that it didn't matter if I was Black or White and challenged me to JAM while I remembered the times, especially those times where I entered into the most taboo of topics, MJ vs Prince: who was better?

*For the record, Michael wins hands down, except in the sex category - Prince beats him like a rented mule...*

It seem a little corny but these things shaped me, molded me into the man I am today.

With that being said, no --- I didn't know him personally. He didn't invite me to Neverland to kick it with him, Macauley and Bubbles but that's OK. He's still changed my life for the better.

Thanks for the memories, Mike.

That's my time.

Guest Post. Put A Ring On It: Why I’m Not Single, And You Are

2010-06-16T12:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks, haven't been able to sit down and type something up in a while (been doing a little traveling) but you know I couldn't leave you without a dope story to ~~step to~~ read. The young lady below was actually one of my inspirations to write so I'm sure you'll be just entertained. Please show her some love.

- Mr. Smart Guy

Dear Ladies,

I am married.

In fact, I am quite happily married. When my husband met me, I was 26, lived in a sparsely furnished 2 bedroom townhouse, an unemployed full time grad student (rent paid by a fellowship) and the single mother of a 7 year old boy. I drove a busted ass 1999 Alero that had a steering wheel held together with duct tape and my car radio consisted of a hole with a bunch of exposed wires. I got by, by bartering with my EBT card and fixing resumes. When I met my husband, he was employed full time as a manager for a Fortune 100 company. He owned 4 houses, his own business, an impressive stock portfolio and his credit score was (and still is) immaculate. His car not only had an intact steering wheel and radio, but was fully paid for. He is also 2.5 years my junior.

We often encounter people of the opposite sex who are – to put this delicately – out of our leagues, or “on another level.” But whether that level is beneath you or above you is irrelevant. There are no “leagues.” Tiger Woods married the fucking babysitter. Star Jones married a gay man. Point is, you’re single, and if you’re a woman, then I can bet you’re single and you don’t want to be. Maybe you’ve never been anywhere, maybe you’re on some blunts and bullshit, maybe you decided to go to school, become valedictorian of your class, graduated, started a school in Africa and a multimedia empire and looked up and realized you.are.still.single. (Oprah knows I’m talking to her).

I hear the squawking. “I don’t need no man, cluck cluck cluck.” “I can raise my kids by myself cluck cluck cluck.” “There aren’t any good men out there! Squawk!” And frankly, I’m unimpressed. I know the truth. And what you don’t realize is that THEY know the truth, too. They know it and they use it against us. So allow me to impart a few words of wisdom (in no particular order, as each one as important as the next) so that you, too, can stop fronting and get off your sad, single, why-can’t-i-find-a-good-man train, and get like me.

Read. Sun Tzu wrote a book called The Art of War. Its 4000 years old, and starts off with Sun Tzu cutting the heads off some concubines because they were being silly instead of listening to what the fuck he had to say. Don’t let that be you.

I also recommend Robert Green’s The 48 Laws of Power. These books were written about war, which is just an unfortunate manifestation of man’s innate drive for domination and domination’s opposite, submission. You need to be fluent in both domination and submission. It ain’t a game, son. Love is psychological warfare.

Learn how to cook. I’m already annoyed that I even had to SAY that, but there are many trifling, non cooking heauxs out there. I’m not saying you need to be MacGyver in the kitchen, but a good pot of spaghetti will get him right. In fact, it’s not just cooking. Learn how to clean, too, you nasty whores. Do you honestly keep your maxi pads in plain view? Can you at least wrap them in a tissue before you throw them away? See why he didn’t want to spend the night?

STFU. I think this is pretty self explanatory. There’s no science to shutting up. He’s not listening to you because if he had to listen to you every time you opened your mouth, he could NEVER DO ANYTHIING ELSE. STFU.

GET YOUR HEAD GAME RIGHT. I had no intention of typing that in all caps but I accidently hit the caps lock. Then it occurred to me that I should probably leave it that way. If you don’t do it, prepare yourself for a life of loneliness and misery cause once he finds out you don’t do it, he will find someone who will and leave you at home with your cats. And if you DO do it, be sure to check with your man to make sure you’re doing it right. I know far too many men who are suffering through bad head because they’re just happy to be here. Don’t treat his junk like corn on the cob. Wrap your lips around your teeth and suck, ladies. Bad head won’t get you to where you want to be (like me, remember?).

Be a woman. This simple sentence encompasses so many things. Don’t act like a man, or more specifically, a nigga. Thug dudes who like butch chicks are only masking homosexual tendencies. They don’t give a fuck about going to jail because that’s the only place man on man sex is socially acceptable. So if he likes your crotch grabbing, neck tats and amazing ability to chug dark liquor, then he might like Shake Weights and Skechers step ups, too. Point is, men don’t want to have to compete for Head of Household status with you. Tuck your nuts and sit your ass down somewhere.

And please, grow the fuck up. Don’t run around here telling your girlfriends all his business, tweeting about how yo baby daddy ain’t shit, and fighting girls in the club because they were “looking at you funny.” Who told you broads physical violence and property damage were cute? Don’t you know the club ain’t the real world? In the real world these are crimes, and people go to jail and get sued for committing crimes. Don’t you watch Judge Mathis?

This basically boils down to knowing your place. You KNOW when you’re not the only one, not the MAIN one, or not even in the running. Know your place and act accordingly, with class and grace.

These lessons were hard learned, this knowledge not easily earned. We all have been a friend with benefits, a girlfriend, someone’s heaux, a “friend,” an ex girlfriend who he still sleeping with, a baby mama, a jump off, a little secret, a beard (can’t fix that one for ya!), a stalker, the one being stalked, and even fiancés. And shit, this advice might not even work for you. You STILL might not get wifed*. My boy El Jugo said, “Everybody ain’t able.” But for those of you who are, go forth and get a damn ring on it.

*Theses suggestions still apply after you get married. Don’t get lazy, whores.

Your Friend in the Struggle,

Klkenned

Guest Blog: Casual Sex, Hooking Up, F()kc Buddies.

2010-05-29T00:03:00.000-05:00

This post was written by the talented author, Shannon Boodram of ThoseGirlsAreWild.com. She is definitely a treat to read so I know you'll enjoy it... hit her up with how you feel!

- Mr. Smart Guy

p hotography by Shannon Boodram

If it isn’t your boyfriend/ girlfriend and you are sexually active with someone, please feel free to choose one of the titles to describe your relations: Casual Sex, Hooking Up, F___ Buddies. Point blank dears it isn’t “complicated” or “different” it just simply is what it is.

This post is really in anticipation for Teen Vogue writer and author Rachel Simmons, who will be featured here in our first “Wild Girl Exposed” post within the next week. On her blog she wrote a very controversial post, “Why The Hookup Culture is Hurting Girls” The article sparked rebuttals from several blogs and a lengthy conversation from hundreds of women. So I figured we would continue things here, to see what your take on this is.

I genuinely have mixed feelings on the new sexual revolution where it’s okay to put the body first and feelings second. The story above (sorry guys I had to take this out for the repost) is something I wrote about a teenage sexual relationship that I had with an ex-boyfriend whom I desperately wanted to take me back. Knowing that I was giving up my body in hopes of getting someone else’s heart should make the scenario pretty clear to you so don’t feel bad for me because real talk I was on a big time dummy ride.
To anyone whom has ever read my book LAID, my feelings on no-strings-attached sex should not be a mystery to anyone. Most famously I described hooking up as the microwave burrito of sex – a quick fix to your hunger that often seems like a decent idea at the time but later has you questioning if you were really that damn hungry. But today I’ll avoid punchy one-liners to try to really get into the meat of this topic.
I think that for majority of people, casual sex without commitment is a bad idea BUT for the minority it can potentially deliver exactly what it promises: a quick fix with no mess. So how do you know if you are in the minority? Well dang, that’s the smartest question you’ve asked all day
If you go to France and you speak French, you’re experience is going to be that much richer. Sex is a planet and every kind of sexual experience is its own country. If you’re in to hookingup then you should know how to speak the language? Wanna learn some words right now?
No move it here

Circular please, like this

Stop, that hurts

Do you see any pedals on me? Slow down I’m not a damn bike

Pull here … push there … kiss this … don’t touch that … now let me hear you SAY MY NAME!!!
LOL you get the point I hope. If you’re sleeping with someone who does not know you super well, then unless you spell it out in Times Bold font, they’re not gonna know what works for you (even if you’re sending smoke signals with your signature I’m not happy look). Secondly, if you’re sexually active with someone who is not emotionally invested in you what makes you think they’re going to give two flying hoots what you want unless you’re vocal about it?

Casual sex almost has to be more honest than sex with a committed lover because you’re not supposed to be worrying about anyone else’s feelings other than your own.

Which brings me to my next point, if you go to a Latin club and you know how to chop it up the dancefloor with your salsa skills like nobody’s business, you’re gonna have more fun. Do your research folks. There is not much room for trial and error in the casual sex realm, so if you don’t know what you like going in I wouldn’t bank on being a guru on you’re way out.
See what I mean, it’s complicated even when it’s not supposed to be complicated. A hookup can be a positive experience when both people know exactly what they want and they know exactly how to explain their wants to one another. Because of the way the male body is manufactured I would say that a large percentage of guys are able to have a successful casual encounter simply because it seems pretty simple for them to “get theirs” (I don’t have a penis so don’t quote me on that). This is why, to my belief, casual sex should have a more extensive decision-making process if you are a woman.

Universally, sex has no guarantees but at the very least it is supposed to provide physical pleasure. This should be your primary motivation for no-strings sex. If you’re hoping for anything else then let me break something down for you… nowhere on your body does it say INSERT SOMETHING HERE FOR: love, acceptance, attention, popularity, cool points, cuddles, kisses or kicks. So if you’re engaging in casual sex to achieve the former then I’d say it’s okay as long as you proceed with caution. If you’re doing it in hopes of anything listed in the ladder STOP, DROP AND FLEE THE SCENE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE.

That’s my word on hooking up. Now tell me:

Do you think sex should ever be regarded as a big deal: why/ why not?

What do you think the pros and cons of casual sex are?

Is a positive sexual relationship the same thing as a positive hookup?

Guest Post: Is Technology Killing Relationships?

2010-05-27T14:24:00.000-05:00

Today's post is by a good friend of mine, Miss Opinionated. She is definitely dropping science on this one. Check it out.

- Mr. Smart Guy

Hello everyone - I hope all is good with you.

Lately, I’ve been having discussions with various people about technology in relationships. Specifically, the question I posed on Facebook was do people think that technology is enabling more people to cheat? Between sexting, the on-line dating/hook-up communities, Facebook accounts, etc., there seem to be a lot of people getting intimate. My personal feeling is that a cheater is a cheater. Had the cheater been born 20 years earlier, they would still find a means of stepping out on their relationship.

Then I had to think more in-depth about the question I posed. If the person sexting or conversing on the internet is not meeting up with anyone in person is it even cheating? What defines cheating? Is it strictly confined to physical contact or is the emotional exchange just as important? What about the guy or gal who is just sexting but doesn’t share emotional or personal details about themselves with their sexting partner; there is no physical or emotional connection, is that person cheating?

My gut feeling is Yes, Yes, Yes, all of it is cheating. A guy who visits a prostitute doesn’t have an emotional connection to her, yet he is still cheating. So why should the rules be different for a guy who gets off by reading dirty texts and emails from someone other than his girl. A couple that is waiting to have sex until marriage is still in a relationship. They are still sharing that deep emotional connection that people in committed relationships have. Based on that, it makes sense to me that there does exist a thing called emotional infidelity.

On the Facebook discussion, several people pointed out that there are different rules for different people. What’s being friendly for one person (such as kissing a friend on the cheek) can be unacceptable for another person. One couple may thoroughly enjoy swinging while another couple won’t even acknowledge that there are other attractive people in the room. What I have to say in response to that is Do what you do, it’s none of my business, but it is your significant other’s business. My personal rule when I am in a relationship is to behave with guy friends as if my boyfriend was standing there with me. Would my boyfriend have a fit if he saw me send this nude picture off to some guy on the internet? Would he have a problem if he knew that I never converse with him anymore because I share the highs and lows of my days with my chat buddy? Better yet, I ask myself if I would have a problem if my boyfriend was doing this activity with some other female.

To me, it’s not about him controlling me or me controlling him, it’s about respect. If you have to sneak around, lie, and hide evidence then you are probably up to no good. If you enjoy sexting and want that as part of your daily activities then you need to tell your significant other and hopefully that person can be apart of that with you. If you find that you are more free spirited than your prudish partner then some serious conversation needs to be had on the future of your relationship. What’s a relationship without trust and openness? What’s going to happen to your relationship when your partner finds out about all of the things you have been hiding from him or her? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life keeping your secret life from your significant other?

Thanks Mr. Smart Guy for letting me say my piece.

Sincerely,
Ms. Opinionated

The Danger Zone.

2010-05-20T09:24:00.000-05:00

Happy Thursday, folks.

Let's get to it.

Last week, I made the following comment:

Chances are she probably will take you back if you decide to come back after you spread more seeds than a botanical garden; especially if she's up around the danger zone (28 and up and still single/childless).

Ah, yes. The Danger Zone.

It's the time in life when the old biological clock starts ticking like it's on speed.
It's the time where it seems like you are the only single person left in the world.

Yep, you - Mr. Lonely.

For men, it's the time where all of your boys are either married (or about to be), even that one who used to sleep with anything with a vagina... c'mon, don't act like you don't know that dude.

SMART GUY SIDEBAR: This is also when you noticed you're starting to get a little chubby and your hairline is starting to fade into the sunset like Floyd Mayweather, Sr.

For women, it's a similar scenario. It's the time when it seems all of your friends are in meaningful long-term relationships, starting families and taking trips to the Grand Canyon with Skipper, the trusty golden retriever. It's when even the most promiscuous of your friends has settled on penis to ride off into the sunset on with.

This time usually begins for women around the late 20's and for men, the early 30's. It's not an unnatural feeling. Most people don't want to go through life alone; without someone to be by their side, destined to be in a house full of cats, tattered Good Housekeeping magazines and half-full plates of casserole.

They would love to fall in love with their soulmate and grow old together with that person. The problem is that once people enter the danger zone, they begin to (usually) settle.

How else do you explain the picture above?

They start to pursue new relationships (or rekindle old ones) that ultimately are unhealthy for them.

*shaking my head*

It's definitely not a good look to be at this point. My solution: realize that your time is your time and the person you're ultimately supposed to be with will arrive when you least expect it. Enjoy the ride in the meantime.

That's my time.

Let me know about the danger zone. Am I off-base? Anything I miss?

tuned in thursday: where i wanna be.

2010-05-13T15:45:00.008-05:00

I said I left my baby girl a message

Sayin' I won't be coming home

I'd rather be alone

She doesn't fully understand me

That I'd rather leave than to cheat

If she gives me some time

I can be the man she needs

But there's a lot of lust inside of me

And we've been together since our teenage years

I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time

To be alone

[Chorus 1]

But when you love someone

You just don't treat them bad

Oh, how I feel so sad

Now that I wanna leave

She's crying her heart to me

How could you let this be?

I just need time to see

Where I wanna be

Where I wanna be...

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...

I don't mean to hurt you, baby, oh, no, no...

[Verse 2]

Never did I imagine

That you would play a major part

In a decision that's so hard

Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?

I think about my life and what matters to me the most

Girl, the love that we share is real

But in time your heart will heal

I'm not saying I'm gone

But I have to find what life is like

Without you

[Chorus 1]

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...

I don't mean to hurt you, baby

[Chorus 2 x3]

See when you love someone

You just don't treat them bad

Oh, how I feel so sad

Now that I wanna leave

She's crying her heart to me

How could you let this be?

And I just need time to see

Where I wanna be

Where I wanna be...

Dear Donell,

In analyzing these lyrics, it seems as if you had the best intent when you serenaded your soon-to-be former partner about your current state of mind within your relationship. You stated (via a message) that in order for your relationship to truly work, you needed to break up and see what was out there while solo to get your mind for the future.

Real honorable, Donnie Boy!

Queue the Arnold Jackson face.

whatchutalkinboutwillis?

Let's really decipher what you REALLY meant:

I said I left my baby girl a message/Sayin' I won't be coming home/I'd rather be alone

Fool, did you send a text to break-up? Real talk, you ain't 'bout to be solo. C'mon son.

She doesn't fully understand me/That I'd rather leave than to cheat

Smooth move, D. Break up so it seems like you really don't want to leave so that it'll create an opening for you to get right back in!

If she gives me some time/I can be the man she needs/But there's a lot of lust inside of me/And we've been together since our teenage years

This is a code for I NEED SOME NEW BOOTY.

I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time/To be alone

Again. Who you think you foolin'?

In a nutshell, you'd like to pursue other opportunities.

In Coming to America, I believe it was referred to as "sowing the Royal Oats".

I understand what you're trying to do here and I admire your moxie. Truth be told, no sane woman who has her head on straight will fall for this nonsense ~~unless you are doing very well at blowing out her spinal area~~ she wants to truly believe you are coming back.

Chances are she probably will take you back if you decide to come back after you spread more seeds than a botanical garden; especially if she's up around the danger zone (28 and up and still single/childless).

Even if she does decide to go another route, she's going to be so torn up after being with you so long, she's going to probably end up dating someone who is nowhere near her worth because you've damaged her so badly. After that fails, it's going to take a real man (like myself) to work through that additional hurt and love her unconditionally.

Yeah, it works out for her but damn, you're making it hard for the rest of us.

You should probably follow the advice of the poster below:

Please believe it's the best thing for all of us.

Sincerely,

Mr. Smart Guy

OK, folks - has what Donell sung about ever happened to you? Have you ever felt like him?

Let me know your thoughts....

Trending Tuesday: #randomfacts

2010-04-27T11:36:00.000-05:00

The other day I heard an interesting statement and it definitely stood out to me.

As children, you are ridiculed for being different and it is encouraged by many to fit in as much as possible. What's funny is when you become adults, you scramble to stand apart from your peers. Kinda confusing, isn't it?

Indeed, it is.

It's no wonder people are thinking so bass-ackwards today.

This is why I am championing the cause to celebrate the differences that make us all unique. I feel like everyone has something random about them that makes them stand out among the masses.

Here are the some highlights of mine:
#___SmartGuyFacts: I refuse to say OMG as I am a grown ass man. That's like calling a man Delicious (c) Ced the Entertainer.

#___SmartGuyFacts: I don't like scary movies. Damn vivid imagination.

#___SmartGuyFacts: I used to believe my next door neighbor was the Gooch. I think it was because he was 16 in the 7th grade.

#___SmartGuyFacts: I am the world's biggest Eddie Murphy (before Dist. Gentleman). After that, he ceased to exist for me.

#___SmartGuyFacts: I watch the Food Network to daydream about restaurants to go to. #innerfatkid #dontjudgeme #passthefries

#___SmartGuyFacts: I used picture Brandy and Monica fighting over me in the song 'The Boy is Mine'. #enoughmetogoaround

#___SmartGuyFacts: I want to start incorporating 90's slang back into my everyday vernacular. #wiggedywack

Now that you've giggled, chortled and laughed to your heart's content, list some things that make you random.

That's my time.

I've Been Thinking....

2010-04-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

Be forewarned, this is not the usual blog from the kid.*

There are many good men
Hell I'm a great one
So why do women say
It's so hard to date one

Even more so harder to
Find one
That's respectful, faithful
And not mind dumb

So they sing spirituals
Odes and woes to being single
But how many times have
They allowed themselves to mingle

Ladies, do something different
Modify your priorities
To find the one
you feel is a minority

Now I'm not sayin' to change
From gospel to secular
But if eyes were opened
you'd see more on the regular.

The above poem popped into my head after a conversation with the fellas awhile back. We were sitting at a local watering hole, catching up on old times, discussing a myriad of things in the journey of catching up with one another. We hadn't seen each in quite some time so you can imagine there was a lot of banter going around.

All of sudden, we see a group of attractive young ladies, perhaps looking in our general direction. After quickly glancing back with our masculine glares, we definitely knew they were looking at us. It was at least six in their group and we had about five in ours. They were looking with urgency as if to implore us to come over. We continued to converse with one another; looking for signs that they wanted us in their company.

After about several minutes of stolen glances, we began to discuss the fact that these young women were obviously interested but yet they stayed glued to their chairs. The night went on and both of our parties went their respective ways but the remnants of that night clung to me.

Why DIDN'T those ladies approach US?

They were interested - at least seemingly so.

Why didn't they at least initiate conversation or even do something to make an opening for it? Perhaps they weren't as enthralled as we thought they were but I don't think that was the case.

My thought is that a lot of women are conditioned to having men approach them and this group was one of its disciples.

I know that some might be asking: what's wrong with that?
There's nothing wrong with it at all.

If that's your prerogative, feel free to sit back and wait on your knight in shining armor. Chances are he's not willing to fight through the angry pack of wolves (also known as your friends); just for the chance for you to possibly take his number.

I know some women believe that Mr. Right will fall into their laps, possibly through the law of averages and/or constant prayer. Perhaps, it might happen - but more than likely it won't. Think if you took that same approach with money.

I'm not going to work today.
God will send a blessing through the Lotto.

Odds are - with that logic, the only gambling will be done is to see which utility will be cut off first. But I digress...

Ladies, I implore you. If you want something, go for it. More than likely, a man won't reject you. In fact, he'll embrace your refreshing take on things. I know. I'm a man. Trust me.

Be very aware - we men are simple. We are not mind readers. Give us concise directions and the probability is - we'll follow them. If you leave us to ascertain your feelings, you'll probably end up like those slightly inebriated ladies at the bar - hanging with your girls.

That's my time.

Riddle me this: am I off-base on this assessment? What's your take on it?

Silence Is Not Golden (Guest Edition)

2010-04-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

I'm currently still on hiatus (what's new?) but my homeboy, The Charismatic One was gracious enough to bless me with a guest post. He's a talented writer who covers a lot of thought-provoking issues on the daily. Check him out...

- Mr. Smart Guy

Have you ever been excited to go on a first date?

I know I have.

Peep the process.

You got your outfit together. You know, nice button-up, crispy pair of jeans, polished Cole Haan’s, you know the routine. You’re excited for a number of reasons (i.e. just ended long relationship, first date in months, boredom). You have high expectations (i.e. hoping you won’t prefer to watch paint dry than to be on this date) so you hop in the shower, get dressed, hop in the whip and you’re off…..

You get to your date’s house, she emerges from the apartment doors and you realize that they she indeed is NOT as attractive as you remember so to start off you’re already behind the proverbial 8-ball.

So now you’re already in a bad mood while she remains oblivious to your discontent. You offer the perfunctory courtesy of opening the door although you don’t want to and as you take that Green Mile walk over to your driver side door you’re inevitably thinking to yourself “what the heck was I thinking???”

You get in the car and you guys are off.

You’re now on your way to your first destination the standard spot, the movies (Thank GOD some places are dark!!!!) all the while praying to yourself (PLEASE, don’t let me run into someone I know so I don’t have to forced into the uncomfortable position of having to explain why I’m with this sea donkey!!!!)

But you can’t ride the entire 20 minutes to the theater in absolute silence, right? (So you were thinking…)

So, because you’re the man, you’re left with the daunting task of creating a conversation out of thin air. You ask a bunch of the standard, albeit pointless, questions with a disinterested attempt to get to know your date better (i.e. “when was your last date? What type of guys do you date? Am I’m gonna get some????” Wait - that’s not standard…) You know, just a bunch of questions that you have absolutely no interest in what the answers are you just want to have a good time, see a movie you pray is worth the price of admission (which is paramount considering the fact that you could have filled your tank up with the cost of movie tickets/popcorn/pop and goobers), and hopefully, if the stars owned by the sex gods inexplicably align, you may get you some.

Unfortunately, you have to engage this young lady in some type of dialogue. It ends up with you asking all these questions and she answers them as if they were close-ended questions that didn’t require any elaboration (apparently she forgot to restock her vocabulary with words other than yes, no and sometimes). Naturally, with this type of verbal greatness, your repertoire of qualifying questions has been depleted and in arrives the moment you’ve been dreading the entire day; awkward silence. Now you’re frantically trying to figure out what to do next so you turn on the radio, just in time to hear Usher make his confessions, to break the ice.

It doesn’t work.

Now because you’ve exhausted your standard line of questioning, and because she has clearly left her dating etiquette at her home, somewhere between getting dressed and walking out the door (especially the part about reciprocating conversation) you have to drive the remaining 15 minutes in absolute silence.

Instead of a wonderful evening of dinner, movie and butt-naked hot oil massages, you’re looking forward to the part of the date that requires you to say “goodnight” (i.e. Can’t WAIT to never see you again!!!!) You’re now at home, excited about the prospect of getting into your own bed alone (cause even it can’t be colder than she was) and putting an anticlimactic end to this night as you contemplate what you’re going to say during the eulogy of this date to your friends……

Silence is NOT always golden….

- The Charismatic One

So Hard To Say Goodbye.

2010-03-31T13:15:00.000-05:00

It's been 24 hours since I lost my cousin. I'm still in a state of disbelief but I know that she's in a better place, shining down on all of her loved ones. Now the family is in the midst of making arrangements for her funeral and I'm remembering the good times I've had with her.

Times like these, my already erratic stream of thinking goes into a state of constant motion and random thoughts come all willy-nilly.

For instance, the word funeral comes to mind. Ain't nothin' fun about a funeral... yet when I was younger, I looked forward to them.

As a slightly portly (think cherubic) child, funerals were sad but they were always followed by all the food you could eat.

How could you not enjoy THAT?!!!

My aunt used to be bribe with candy and promises of bowling if I was a good boy and didn't cry. I then set out to the best boy ever imagined.

Times like that - it was easy to look past death... still wish I had that ability. Instead, I'm wracked with guilt and questions.

Why her?
Why so soon?
Did she leave here knowing how much she was loved?

Right now, I'm choosing to continue her legacy of living life to the fullest. She wouldn't have it any other way.

R.I.P. JodeMyJode...

Weekly Wonderings, Vol. 1

2010-03-12T15:56:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday, folks.

I'm in the midst of trying out something new here. Each week, I'm going to pose a question and post the responses I get on this here blog o' mine.

Sound good?

Alrighty then... here we go.

Today's question stems from a conversation I had last weekend with the homie, Zero K. We were conversing about past relationships gone awry and the things that led to the ultimate demise of them. One thing that stood out is that some of those people weren't truthful during these times, whether it was to us or to even themselves.

We found that as soon as the physical side of those relationships became involved in the deceit, most other things began to crumble. We compiled a list of things, more specifically, words uttered that usually ended up with someone singing some sad love song, off-key.

Here is that list (and a few others added by my Twitter family) along with my translation of what they really meant:

1. I used to like you.
Um, no - you still do. You're just saying it that way to avoid rejection if the other person doesn't like you back. It is usually followed by some wistful look of some sort. Don't fall for the okie-doke.

2. You betta stop.../You need to stop playin'...
Usually, this is said with a whisper or a sly grin. More than likely, it is an open invitation to continue. [Smart Guy Sidebar: I don't like playing in gray areas. Either you say what you want or I will stop. I'm not trying to misconstrue your stop playing into a charge. I'm just sayin'.]

3. If I wasn't (in a relationship, drunk, half-asleep, on house arrest...)
Generally, when this is said, it is an excuse to gauge your interest and to avoid rejection. If a positive response is given, all of the uttered excuses above will go straight of the window.

4. I don't wanna disrespect your relationship.
See #3.

5. I was just thinking about you.../I miss you...
While this could actually be true, chances are it just sounds good.

6. (after being caught with someone else) That's just my friend.

You know men and women can't be just friends!!!!
I'm gonna need you to come with something more believable...

7. I don't mind just being your friend....
Provided you don't pick up another friend along the way...
If you do, all bets are off and eventually all hell will break loose.

I'm sure there are plenty more that I'm missing so I ask you all the same:
What are common phrases people use while dating that are generally lies?

Looking forward to seeing your answers...

Have a great weekend.

That's my time.

Computer Love.

2010-03-05T10:55:00.000-06:00

It's funny how relationships transcend.

Boy meets girl. Boy courts girl. Boy proposes, girl accepts. Boy & girl get married, have 3 kids & a dog named Slappy.

Isn't that how society tells us how things go?

Unfortunately, things are never as cut and dry as that.

How many times have you met someone while at a grocery store? Your local fast-food restaurant? The alley by Ray-Ray and nem's?

A few times, perhaps.

The stark reality is that in the fast-paced society we rarely take time to talk to our neighbors, let alone go out and try to find someone new to cuddle with. We have become mundane, aloof, solitary figures who have become slaves to electronic devices (computers, PDA's, etc.)

It's so much easier to send an instant/text message to someone than to actually talk to them. Believe me, I do that quite a bit... sometimes it saves me from hearing about heavy cycles (not talking about Harleys, either), how ol' girl is this close to giving up the number and lettuce being on sale at the local supermarket.

We even start having relationships with people who aren't right in front of us.

Strangers one day, friends the next... and in some cases, more than that. You know, the dreaded cyber-connection. It all starts so innocently too.

Check out the scenario:

Random dude: Lemme jump on the [insert popular social networking site] thang and survey the area.
Random female: I'm only joining this to connect with my girls and reach out to people I haven't seen in a while.
Random dude: [browsing different pages] Yeah, she's fine as frog hurr, smart, hula hoops and likes German shepherds from France. That's my kinda chick. Let me send her a note.
Random female: [before reading note] Who is this dude? I don't know him. How did he get on my page?
Random female: [after reading note] He has a job, he's single and doesn't look like he's on the DL. Let me write him back.

All of sudden, you're swapping messages back and forth, anticipating the next funny thing he'll say or wondering about how good she smells. Then you decide that it's taking too long to wait on messages so you exchange information over instant messenger.

Now you're finding out intimate details about them, like what her biggest fear is and if he wants to have kids but yet your thirst is still not quenched. You yearn to know what if her laugh annoys you and if his voice is as deep as the smiley emoticon engraves into your imagination and the next thing you know, you've typed in your number.

Quick calls become six-hour conversations about any and everything. You grow attached to "your time" and pine away until the next time you talk them again. Things begin to get deeper and you find yourself wondering how you could have feelings for someone you've never seen in person - so you make up your mind to do something about it.

[cue harps]

It sounds all good and magical (like You've Got Mail), doesn't it? [Smart Guy Sidebar: On an unrelated tangent, aren't You've Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally the same movie? Just my perception.]

Back to the regularly scheduled blog!

It is; provided the person you've discussed your deepest darkest with is genuine but if they are not being as forthright, it can lead to trouble.

My homeboy definitely agrees.

"The advantage of online love is that you can put your best face forward... show people what you want them to see. When you meet someone in person, little insignificant things tend to dictate people's first impressions and cause bad judgment. For example, you might meet a fly-ass chick and really be feeling her, but you kinda look like one of her exes so she doesn't give a damn what is about to come out of your mouth, you don't have a shot with her. Stuff like that. But that can also be a disadvantage. Because people will show you exactly what they want you to see. They might exaggerate or out-right lie."

All in all, there are risks when dealing of affairs of the heart - no matter if they are in person or several continents away. Be real and make the most of any opportunity you have because you might be dealing with your soulmate. That's just my thoughts on the situation.

How do you feel about cyber-connections? Let me know.

In the meantime, I have a gift for you all...
DOWNLOAD AND ENJOY!

CD1
CD2

Playlist
CD1
1 Erykah Badu - Window Seat
2 Rob Van De Wouw - No Exit
3 Hi-Res - Thisworld
4 OutKast - Vibrate
5 Maxwell - Gravity: Pushing To Pull
6 Curren$y - Galaxy
7 SA-RA Creative Partners - Space Fruit (Interlude)
8 Grimeshine - Freefall
9 BUG - Cosmic Lab
10 Common - Nag Champa (Afrodisiac For The World)
11 Lonnie Liston Smith - Space Lady
12 DJ Spinna - Intergalactic Soul
13 Opolopo - Trips To The Moon
14 The Foreign Exchange - Brave New World
15 DJ Day X Miles Bonny - Skyy, Can You Feel Me
16 Rogiérs - Come Into My World
17 Pharrell - Big White Spaceship
18 AFTA-1 - Pluto Moon
19 Green Tea - Cruise Control (Soul in the Hole Remix)

CD2
20 Jae London - Lost in Space (London's Suicide)
21 Nobody Beats the Beats - Moonlight
22 Michael Jackson - Off The Wall
23 Alicia Keys - Dreaming
24 Incognito - Everybody Loves The Sunshine
25 Chester French - What a World
26 Jamiroquai - Mr. Moon
27 Jazzanova - In the (Re)Mix (Starship Interpretation)
28 Stevie Wonder - Rocket Love
29 Eightball & MJG - Space Age Pimpin'
30 SA-RA Creative Partners - Fly Away
31 Joy Jones - Supernova
32 Peter Hadar - Planets
33 Lupe Fiasco - I'm Beaming
34 Tarika Blue - Dreamflower
35 Blu - Spacejive
36 Hollyweerd - Love My Outerspace
37 LMNO - P.O.A. (Piece Of Art)
38 Smooth Current - Restrain of Stars (Unmixed Demo Version)
39 Afefe Iku - The Unknown [Original Mix]

Until next time....

Half-Truths, Deceptions & Flat-Out Fallacies.

2010-02-23T15:55:00.000-06:00

Hello, friends.

Been a long time, ain't it?

Sorry about that... but I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

(cue the drum roll)

Today's entry was inspired by a trending tag I spotted on Twitter (#liesivetold)
(PS - if you haven't added me yet, get to gettin': @MrSmartGuy)

Because I'm an open guy, I let loose on the Twittanets a bevy of falsehoods that I've uttered once upon a time, such as:

#liesivetold i'll be there in 5 minutes
Smart Guy Commentary: You already know once I say that, it's gonna be at least another 15 minutes before I get into the vicinity...

#liesivetold i'mma call you right back
Smart Guy Commentary: See above. It's not on purpose, I just get side-tracked!

#liesivetold it's not THAT bad
Smart Guy Commentary: If you had to ask, it probably is that bad.

#liesivetold ..... just the tip, I promise!
Smart Guy Commentary: Ah, the coup de grace! I'd like to call this the Lay's Theory (you know, like the potato chips...); you can't just have ONE. Once you get a taste, you're bound to want more!

Let's be honest... ~~well at least as honest as we can be in a post about lies we've told...~~ for the most part, the majority of people are truthful 95% of the time (sans those people that pop up who seem to be as allergic to the truth as Tiger was to celibacy) but there are times when a fib is just easier.

Case in point: the other day, I was walking down the street to get some lunch when I encountered an older gentleman, who seemed to be down on bad times. He approached with his tale of his car running out of gas while on his way to the orphanage to volunteer. He told me all he needed was some money to make it there to see those sweet, adoring children. Unfortunately, all I thought I had with me was my debit card, a stick of gum ~~and some lint~~ so I couldn't give him that. He then proceeded to curse me out with alcohol-tinged breath and told me that I wasn't worth the ground I was standing on.

I felt really bad for not being able to help out that gentleman (who was so clearly trying to go see Tiny Tim, Lil' Orphan Annie, Willis, Arnold and 'nem...) and in the process, I might have told a small white lie.

Turns out I had 5 singles in my back pocket - but even in my heart, I know I still probably would have kept my mini-treasure to myself.

Why?

Well, my thoughts were that the lil' underprivileged chirren would see none of my donation but Jack D., Captain Morgan and the folks on the Night Train would have celebrated my giving. I probably would have given him some loot if he had been more honest like this guy here:

But really, I can't blame the guy - I mean, who really is honest nowadays?

People fib.
People fabricate.
People tell small white lies.
People tell BIG, BOLDFACE lies.
They exaggerate.
They omit.
They tell you they were just kidding...
but when it all boils down to it - a lie is a lie.

That's not to say you are a liar... but there are plenty of times where lies are so much easier to tell than the truth.

For instance, let's say you are driving in a parking lot and you are the only person driving out. You're in a rush and while accelerating, you slightly bump a car, leaving the tiniest of scratches. Would you stop everything and risk being late, to file a police report or rush to in find the individual you hit?

I think not.

How about if you're at the office, tired -- ready to ease on down the road and lay it down in your underwear and your boss asks you if you'd like to stay an extra couple of hours to lick stamps? Would you tell your boss that your prior plans (of being a bum)?

Probably not.

How about if you're talking to your best friend in the whole world (who has terrible self esteem and is extremely volatile) and she asks you how she looks with her favorite dress on?

If you don't want her to want her to harm herself or moreover, you - you better make her believe that she's next coming of Bobby's old boo...

Honestly speaking, while lies should never be the first option - sometimes you gotta fib or have someone try to crack a rib. It's spared me from plenty of Mama Sharon's beat-downs. (She was too busy laughing to whoop me...)

You have to do so sometimes for the greater good. Just make sure when you do, you're not lying to yourself in the process. Buying weave does not make that hair your own.

That's my thought on the subject - I'd like you to know what y'all think... hit me up!

That's my two cents.

The Perfect 10.

2010-02-10T12:07:00.002-06:00

Buenos dias, folks! Hope is all well with you... let's get to it.

So, women ask me all the time: "What are guys looking for in a woman?"

Well, not really.

But they're asking somebody.

And I feel compelled to answer.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I've decided to compile a list of traits that make the ideal mate - at least my ideal mate.

10. Independence
No man wants a woman they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to wipe her butt without you handing her the toilet paper, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she must be a great woman.

9. Intelligence
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the ditzy dumb-blonde chick routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you'll find yourself trying to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers (or if she's actually thinking at all). An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that toe-curling, spine-busting sex.

8. Sexuality
While we're on the topic, a great woman has to be sexually compatible (freaky-deeky, if you're nasty) with you. For instance, if you're into some freaky, nasty froggy-style agendas and she's more the “hold each other until the sun comes up” type, that's a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page ~~or, at least, she has to be willing to wear a smile with some whipped cream from time to time~~. Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the precise moves right away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be.

7. Attractiveness
I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great woman will not only want to look good for you, but also for her. She should always look her best and be well put together - matching draws is a definite plus (we notice when you put that work in). Men have to be proud to have their women on their arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't mean that she has to be a Halle Berry clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her ~~big ol' booty~~ svelte figure or ~~nappy kitchen~~ uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.

6. Respect
This is very important. Your partner must respect you. This means that they listen to you, even if they don't necessarily agree with what you're saying. And, of course, they never try to humiliate or demean you in any way, shape or form. A phenomenal person won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If they respect you, chances are that they will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

5. Non-Controlling
Do not - I repeat – DO NOT get involved with someone who tries to get you to eat goat cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up the things you love most. You will end up resenting them more than you can imagine. A good partner lets you be you in all your glory, dirty draws and all. They have to realize the differences that men and women have and should allow you to be yourself.

4. Non-Complaining
There is nothing worse someone who nags! A great woman knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don't want a woman who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you're shacking up and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great woman.

3. Pleasant
A great woman will not only help your mother in the kitchen, listen to your long stories about nothing and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won't try to get you to ditch your best friends. She'll actually empathize with your homeboy getting dumped and suggest that the crew take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining y'all when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

2. Loving
If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits (leaving a drop of juice in the fridge) that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an on a daily basis. If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.

1. She makes you want to be a better man.
Stop making that face… any man who has a great woman or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.

Ladies, remember to have an opinion. Have an interest. Have a sense of humor. Have a brain. Be smart, be witty, but avoid being a [insert expletive]. Challenge us, but not too much. The male ego is a fragile thing. Be like Destiny's Child – cater to us sometimes; we will definitely return the favor…

See? It's not so difficult. Well, it ain't easy either…but at least it's not that hard. Hit these things up and I guarantee we'll be happy…

Did I miss something here?

Let me know.

That's my two cents.

Oh yeah, here's a little gift for those of you who celebrate Feliz Día de los Enamorados....

Tracklist -

Dwele - Possible
Maroon 5 - Secret
Sade - Cherish The Day... See More
Outkast - Prototype
Anthony David - Everything Is Everything
Esthero - Thank Heaven 4 You
Floetry - Closer
Sa-Ra - Hey Love
Sepsenahki - Let It Go
Coultrain - Love...Meaning
Van Hunt - Down Here In Hell (With You)
Jill Scott - Honey Molasses
Lupe Fiasco - Paris, Tokyo
Sleepy Brown - Dress Up
Maxwell - Drowndeep Hula
John Legend - Good Morning
The Foreign Exchange - If This Is Love
Raphael Saadiq - 100 Yard Dash

http://rapidshare.com/files/158156206/The_Love_Move_-_1.5.rar

Smart Music Mondays. Fin.

2010-02-01T17:14:00.000-06:00

Today has been a great day for me. It's the first day I've spent after turning 29 and I'm excited to be here.

I'm sure you're asking why I'm so excited about 29.

To be honest, it's because I know I'm blessed.

Most Black men don't make it 21, let alone 25 and here I am typing merrily away at 29.

It's a great achievement and I'd like to thank everyone for helping make it thus far - especially Willie and Sharon for going out and gettin' their groove on some sexually-charged melody in the early 80's.

I'm assuming it looked a little something like this right before the magic happened:

Anyway, I've decided to bless you guys with a little present.

Instead of waiting until Mondays to drop off stuff, I'm changing the concept and I'm giving you tunes at my leisure and thus calls for the change of venue.

Welcome to Smart Sounds!
(cue trumpets and send for the rose bearers)

I've also taken the liberty of re-upping the playlist I made for my birthday last year.

Download and enjoy!

Have a great day.

CD1
SWV - Anything
Zhané - Hey Mr. DJ
New Edition - If It Isn't Love
Chuckii Booker - Turned Away... See More
After 7 - Heat Of The Moment
En Vogue - My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)
The Boys - Dial My Heart
Troop - Spread My Wings
Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up
LL Cool J - Around The Way Girl
Soul II Soul - Back To Life (However Do You Want Me)
Full Force - Ain't My Type Of Hype
Another Bad Creation - Playground
Boyz II Men - Motownphilly
Portrait - Here We Go Again!
Christopher Williams - Dreamin'
Keith Sweat - I Want Her
CeCe Peniston - Keep On Walkin'

DOWNLOAD CD1

CD2
Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam - Let the Beat Hit 'Em
Slick Rick - Children's Story
Bobby Brown - Don't Be Cruel
Today - Him or Me... See More
Heavy D & The Boyz - Somebody For Me
Tony! Toni! Toné! - Feels Good
Chubb Rock - Treat 'Em Right
Digital Underground - Kiss You Back
De La Soul - Me, Myself And I
Aaron Hall - Don't Be Afraid
Jade - Don't Walk Away
Al B. Sure! - Off On Your Own (Girl)
Wreckx-N-Effect - Rump Shaker
Johnny Kemp - Just Got Paid
Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock - It Takes Two
Bell Biv DeVoe - Poison
Johnny Gill - Rub You the Right Way

DOWNLOAD CD2

beneficial friendships. [classic post]

2010-01-27T14:10:00.000-06:00

We've all been there; that long, seemingly endless drought during which time you get no play, no action, none of that sweet, that good, that gushy stuff. The single life is mundane, and you've got no viable prospects. Some take matters into their own hands (in West Virginia, many descend into the arms of a sexy sibling). You start to think to yourself this can’t be for too long, I’m quick-witted and too attractive to be single. This thought permeates throughout the corridors of your mind (seeping down into other regions within your body) until you decide there are no other viable candidates. You’re desperate to see any feasible candidates and you decide to try a new route aptly-titled “friends with benefits” (or the part-time lover).

You know how it starts: one day, you’re with your friend, and notice how he/she is attractive [or fill random trait that makes you horny] and how great you interact. Next thing, you know you’ve stained some sheets with whipped cream and exotic oils, laying in the wet spot wondering how in the world you got into this mess.

YOU: What in the hell just happened?
THEM: What in the hell just happened?
YOU: It was good, though.
THEM: I can’t believe we did this.
YOU: Ooh, that was good.
THEM: This will ruin our friendship.
YOU: Let’s do this again ‘cuz this felt really good.
THEM: We shouldn’t be doing – but it felt so right.
YOU: I hope this doesn’t mess our friendship but it was good, though.
THEM: I’ve always wanted to make love to someone who could be my best friend.

Generally, this situation usually doesn’t end up at the altar (but we continue to paint the fine line of friend and lover). The part-time lover finds its origins in some breakup many years ago. It started with some dude, who was sick of being “trapped” in a relationship, sick of some female’s crap yet still feenin’ for her brown sugar, voiced a proposal, an agreement, if you will. Sex without relationship complications; totally need-based, not emotional like what those other suckers are doing; just for a little while. It's the perfect plan. Kind of like a severance package for his package, until it finds “new employment” (almost like a staffing agency, you know, temp-to-hire).

The mistake didn't lie in the idea, because people come up with stupid ideas every day. Attempting to have sex with your ex isn't exactly innovative, either.

The mistake, avid My Two Cents.™ readers, is that he or she agreed to it.

This novel thought opened a new escape clause for anti-relationships everywhere. Sex with no strings; the multiple-night-stand; the part-time lover (hell, even Stevie Wonder could see that was a great deal). In later years, the part-time lover made way for other dating loophole innovations like Revenge Sex and the Late Night Booty Call…. but I digress.

So here you are, still bitching about not being able to find someone special, but now you have a big ol’ Kool-Aid smile on your face.

Why?

You’re getting some of that oohwee, that makes me wanna holler, that sexual healing, seeing how Stella really got her groove back (you know before the closet opening, no Lance Bass).

In order for the part-time lover plan to work, there must be rules in place. You must both be single. You're probably not getting any from anyone else; otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for the part-time lover. You can't get emotionally attached, jealous, needy, or any of that crap (SIDEBAR: fat chance of that happening). You probably try to keep it a secret, too. And, most of all, you can’t let it interfere with your (or your friend's) dating life.

You know what?

With all those rules, it starts to sound a lot like a… relationship or worse, a JOB.

In theory, it's like finding a bag of money. You can’t believe your luck and you probably don’t think to ask yourself [INSERT INNER MONOLOGUE: "Self, where in the hell did this money come from?"]. Your dumb tail is just happy you ain’t broke right now. You can't believe that you're the only one who thought of this. No anniversaries to remember, no hearts and flowers, no explaining where you were last night, you're in heaven. But as we all know with money (and love/lust), you never know when it's all going to run out.

Disaster comes into play when one of the two friends in the agreement is harboring feelings (it just takes one). Think about it, any friend who would just concur to start having casual yet semi-exclusive sex (especially with you) has to have an agenda of their own. ~~The fact that they look at you, lick their lips and fondle appendages is a give-away too.~~ Chances are they not are fully aware of it themselves (these account for 90% of the part-time lover files). With this being said, when the drought is over, and the emergency the part-time lover rations can be put away, that pre-existing crush is enough to cause immense (yet, swift to you) jealousy and the victim is your platonic, un-awkward, normal friendship.

That's assuming you're good (and compatible in bed) which can lead to another kind of adversity.

What if you don't click in bed?
What if you chicken out as soon as they get naked?
What if you end up laying there saying "what the hell did we just do"?
What if you can't finish?
What if you can't even "rise to the occasion"?

These are things that start to mess with confidence and self-esteem. It also makes for an awkward game of ~~Who Wants To Play With The Pudding Pop~~ UNO next time you two are hanging out alone (assuming that you're even able to be alone together after that point).

Then there are the resentment issues. Eventually, someone will start to feel like the other person's back-up booty. Sex without all the relationship-type stuff leaves you a lot of time to think about what you just did, especially when your love interest just jumped up to play a video game or to call the guy she's really interested in.

It's rare to find someone mature enough to have continuous sex and not develop feelings for them. It's even rarer to find someone who can deal with those feelings if and when they show up. In the end, you've got feelings (i.e. awkwardness, jealousy, resentment, and all the other things) that can stop a relationship dead in its tracks (by the way, a friendship is a relationship). And it sucks more than an overworked porn starlet that the relationship that got you into this mess, can make you end up losing a lover AND a friend.

In essence, in trying to avoid headaches, you back your way into migraines. You're stuck. You're solo again, this time; you’re bored as hell 'cuz you don't even have your friend to call on. But sometimes, you look over at that other person and realize that you're having sex with someone you like to hang out with, who likes all the same stuff you do, who knows all your secrets and still wants to hang out with you. Sometimes, they realize it too. Then things work out and you get to twerk it out…

Have you ever been in a friend with benefits situation?
If so, can/does it work?
If not, why not?

That's my two cents – let me know your thoughts...

Smart Music Mondays, Guest Edition: LoudPen

2010-01-25T11:21:00.000-06:00

Happy Monday, folks. Hope all is good. My weekend was great (kinda wish it was still going on) and it was so good, I decided take today off. I decided awhile back that I would feature someone at least once a month so please let me know if you'd like to grace this spot!

E-mail me or hit me on Twitter.

This week's edition is being handled by the non-quiet one, LoudPen. You can check her out over at The Loudest Pen Ever.

Enjoy!

What up Paper Chasers it's ur gurl LoudPen with this week's Say What?! "Quote of the Week" which is I'm Ready by Tevin Campbell. This will be the first post to kick off the Tevin Campbell series. I wanted to start the new year off with one of my tween crushes, because, Tevin had a beautiful voice and his music definitely impacted my life.

For those who don't know Tevin Campbell was an R&B artist who was most popular in the mid-90s. He was born in Dallas, TX and was discovered by Quincy Jones. Tevin has released four albums total and his most popular album was I'm Ready which he released in 1993. I'm Ready is by far my favorite Tevin album. Every song, verse, and beat is so smooth! Tevin certainly some swagger as a young man. I hear he has gotten into trouble in his adult life, but, y'all know I don't delve in gossip.

Anywho, the song I'm Ready is a groove track, but, it's the lyrics that take you to the next level. And the way Tevin sings them...with such passion and emotion, you start to think maybe this kid knows a lil something about love. Or at least BabyFace does since he wrote it, but, Tevin definitely delivers. Songwriting is essential, but, the way that the songwriting is delivered matters too. This song is about a man who has been left by his girl, but, he's still willing to wait for her. Basically, he is ready for her no matter what even if she doesn't stay with him.

If you think about it, that's a beautiful concept for a song. It shows true unconditional love, the idea of loving a person no matter what they do or say. Unconditional love can be unhealthy if the feelings aren't reciprocated or if the couple is unhappy but seeking to stay together even though the love has died. In the case of I'm Ready, it seems that Tevin should cut his losses and move on. However, Tevin insists on staying by her regardless of the fact that he knows she will leave him again. Like he sings in the song, "I am the fool you call me".

And there it is. This is ur gurl Loudpen making you say, Say What?!

Smart Music Mondays, MLK Edition

2010-01-18T12:51:00.000-06:00

Happy Monday, folks. I'm gonna keep it brief in celebration of the great Martin Luther the Kang, Junior.

If it wasn't for this man (and my parents gettin' their respective groove on), I wouldn't be here today.

Thanks for everything, Dr. King.

In the meantime, check out this great post on Dr. King.: Why We Should Be Like MLK, Jr.

Y'all be easy.

Smart Music Mondays, Hello 2010!

2010-01-11T18:14:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know I'm late as it's already 11 days into the New Year but I'm back again...
I hope everyone has been adhering to their New Years resolutions. I know I have - which was not do any resolutions!

Seriously.
I ain't doin' nann one.

Why?
Because those rules are made to be broken and honestly, I'm more about long-term improvement.

~~The real reason is because I'm a procrastinator.~~

I'm super excited about the new changes for the site this year and that I have heat in my house for the first time all winter. Single degree temperatures will do that to you. In honor of that, I decided to dedicate a little song to you guys.

S1 & Caleb - Soulja Boy's Turn My Swag On (S1 & Caleb Remix)
by PeteRock

Just insert heat instead of ~~swag~~ that word I've stricken from my dictionary and we've got another winner!javascript:void(0)

Be on the lookout for more mixtapes, surprises and (insert drum roll) giveaways!

Take it easy, folks!

Smart Music Mondays: Goodbye 2009.

2009-12-28T16:15:00.001-06:00

I'm gonna keep it short & sweet for the last Smart Music of the year. This Spike Lee Joint says it all. Be easy.

Michael Jackson - This Is It - Directed by Spike Lee from 40 Acres and a Mule Filmworks on Vimeo.

formspring.me

2009-12-26T15:10:00.001-06:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/MrSmartGuy

Smart Music Mondays, Guest Edition: TOP SOUL/R&B ALBUMS OF THE DECADE: A Rory Analysis

2009-12-21T21:25:00.000-06:00

Folks, this edition will be handled by my good friend, Rory AKA Black Dynamite... he's one of the best writers I know that doesn't write. Without further ado, here is he is!

Greetings, FB family. Well, we have survived the first decade of the 21st century and I am sure you have been inundated with not only 2009 Year in Review news clips, but 2000 -2009 Decade in Review news articles, videos, and commentaries. In the next couple of weeks I will write several notes on the 2000’s, but for the first note I wanted to focus on music. Now, most of you know I am a self-described “music nerd.” I’m the type of brother that actually reads the CD booklets when he purchases CD's. And yes…I still buy CD’s but I’ll save that conversation for another time. Below I have listed the top 10 Soul/R&B albums of the 2000’s. Of course, this is solely my opinion but to a lesser degree I did consider album sales, radio airplay, etc. However, this note is more of a commentary about what YOU should have in your music collection be it digitally, CD, album, cassette, bootleg, etc. I only considered Soul/R&B albums released between the year 2000 and Now. They are listed in no particular order. Enjoy and I look forward to your comments!

1. Carl Thomas – Emotional

Believe it or not, Bad Boy Records actually put out some great music and artists post-Biggie Smalls. I won’t begin to discuss my disdain for the artists Diddy threw on us the last 6 years (Ahem, Day 26…Danity Kane). I digress. Carl Thomas’s “Emotional” is a solid R&B album—one that you can listen to from beginning to end. “Emotional” was released in 2000 and the first single was “I Wish.” That single had all the elements a true R&B song should have (i.e. theme of heartbreak, soulful vocals, catchy hook). Then there is “Summer Rain” with its sexy, Caribbean vibe and the title track. My personal favorite is “Supastar” (hoooooot…LOL). Brothers, if this song is not on your love mix CD, something is wrong because I am sure the ladies love this song. Point blank: if this isn’t in your collection get it. It still sounds good 10 years after its release.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Supastar” & “Hey Now”

2. Jill Scott - Who Is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds Vol. 1

Jill is like the Ella Fitzgerald for the hip hop generation. I don’t think I can even do this album justice with my commentary! That’s how awesome Jill’s debut CD is. “Who Is Jill Scott” is a fitting title because each song on the album is a breakdown of Jill and her personal experiences. “A Long Walk” captures the essence of bonding with someone mentally and spiritually; “Honey Molasses” and “Love Rain” takes it to the physical level; “Watching Me” serves as a social commentary on the black community. Combining spoken word, jazzy instrumentation with hip-hop elements, and lush vocals, Jill Scott crafted an album for a diverse group of listeners (i.e. jazz connoisseurs, hip-hop heads, etc.). Her album is literally a POEM set to music; just look at the lyrics for each song. FB family, if none of you own this album we cannot be friends anymore!

Rory’s favorite tracks: “Slowly Surely” & “Do You Remember”

3. Usher – Confessions

I’ll put it like this: in the year 2004 Usher’s “Confessions” was the Kool-Aid and everybody was drinking it. Album sales do not lie-- 1.1 million copies, the most copies ever sold in a week by an R&B recording artist. The album has since gone diamond (over 10 million copies sold). I don’t think anyone could go to a club and not hear “Yeah” blasting over the speakers. And if you were one of the individuals who thought that track was all fluff, Usher came with the slow-tempo “Burn.” I admit I can be bourgie when it comes to my musical tastes, but overall, music should be fun. “Confessions” is a fun album with its dance tracks (the aforementioned “Yeah” and “Caught Up”). Yet, I believe we were eavesdropping into Usher’s life with songs like “Burn” and the title-track. It was scandalous…Did he cheat on Chili (of TLC fame)? Did he really get a chick pregnant? Or was this truly a snippet of Jermaine Dupri’s escapades? With a weaker musical artist this concept album could have been pathetic R&B hood drama, but Usher made it classy thanks to A+ production from the likes of Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis, Jermaine Dupri, Lil Jon, and Dre & Vidal.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Throwback” & “That’s What It’s Made For”

4. Mariah Carey – The Emancipation of Mimi

Mariah Carey owned the 1990’s. But then there was that bump in the road called “Glitter”—the movie and soundtrack they almost wrecked her career in the early 2000’s. In 2005 Mariah introduced us to Mimi. I personally did not buy this album when it came out. I like Mariah, but I’m not a hardcore fan; there’s only so much screaming I can take. Ha! However, I liken this album to Usher’s “Confessions” because (a) the production is stellar (b) commercially, it has sold millions of copies (c) we—the listeners—were curious (Who is this alter-ego Mimi?) and (d) it was a fun album. Billboard recently named “We Belong Together” the #1 song of the decade; it was #1 for 14 weeks back in 2005! All of Mariah’s albums can be considered pop albums; however, this album genuinely feels like an R&B album. We want Mimi to stay.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Stay the Night” & “Shake It Off”

5. Anthony Hamilton – Comin’ from Where I’m From

Someone needs to build a time machine and tra<nsport Anthony Hamilton to the late 1960’s/early 1970’s. Why? Because I don’t think we give this man the props he deserves. He is essentially this generation’s Al Green, but commercial success seems to elude him. I remember buying this CD five years ago, and just this past weekend I bumped the whole album on my way to Georgia. I had an epiphany: if you listen closely you will realize that this album is more of a blues album than a soul album. Raspy voice? CHECK. Solemn, pleading, heart wrenching lyrics? CHECK. Minimal guest appearances? CHECK. If you are a true R&B fan you must have this in your collection.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Float” & “I’m A Mess”

6. Musiq Soulchild – Aijuswanaseing

I’m not trying to pressure you,

Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you,

You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend,

I just wanna know your name,

And maybe some time

We can hook up, hang out, just chill… --“Just Friends (Sunny)”

Something is in the water in Philly. The O’Jays. Sister Sledge. Patti LaBelle. Jill Scott. Musiq Soulchild. This album was a breath of fresh air in 2000. Maxwell, Erykah Badu, and D’Angelo had already paved the road for neo-soul in the 90’s. Musiq was more than happy to walk the path. “Aijuswanaseing” is Musiq’s most successful album to date (over 2 million copies sold). In one word I can describe this album: laidback. Neo-Soul critics claim the genre is too conscious or “earthy” (as if songs can’t have messages. Whatever). This is the album to chill to. There aren’t any up-tempo songs. Each song is practically mid-tempo (listen to “Girl Next Door,” “L Is Gone,” and “143”).

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Mary Go Round” & “Poparatzi”

7. India.Arie – Acoustic Soul

India. Arie got all the nominations. Alicia Keys got the glory. That’s not a slight to Alicia; I truly like her. However, “Acoustic Soul” is more of a consistent album than “Songs In A Minor.” India.Arie sampled Brick’s “Fun” for her song “Video.” Before then, we all credited that beat to Akinyele’s “Put It In Your Mouth.” No comment. LOL. So I give her props. More importantly, there is so much affirmation of self-love and acceptance throughout the album. “Brown Skin” reminds me all the time why black-on-black love is such a beautiful thing. “Ready for Love” is a testament to maturing in your affections. Furthermore, Arie plays her own instruments.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Brown Skin” & “Strength, Courage, & Wisdom”

8. Mary J. Blige – The Breakthrough

We all like a “sad” Mary J. Blige, just like we like “big” Luther (pronounced Loo-fah). Blame it on “My Life.” That album was all gut-wrenching agony. But “The Breakthrough” gives us a mature, happy, and successful Mary. First single “Be Without You” was a sure hit. Good lyrics, radio friendly production, and great vocals from the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul abound. When it was released the album sold over 729,000 units its first week (United States); her highest first week sales. “The Breakthrough” brought many accolades and awards to Mary. Production-wise, it is Mary’s most diverse album and she has never sounded better. Her rendition of U2’s “One” is awesome. Furthermore, I saw Mary in concert (2006) in support of this album and Mary gave a show!

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Ain’t Really Love” & “No One Will Do”

9. Aaliyah – Aaliyah

I do not need to go into detail, but Aaliyah’s death was a major shock to the industry. Some could argue that her death contributed—ironically—to the success of this album. I disagree. This is a solid album. On “One In A Million” Timbaland’s signature syncopated beats and production were prominent. On “Aaliyah” they are more subtle. This was a more mature Aaliyah. She sang about domestic violence (“Never No More”). She experimented with rock (“What If” and “I Can Be”). When you listen to “I Care 4 U” you sense that Aaliyah is preparing to hug you. Aaliyah may have never belted notes like Monica or Beyonce, yet her soft soprano was seductive. R.I.P. Baby Girl.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “It’s Whatever” & “Rock the Boat”

10. Alicia Keys – Songs In A Minor

When Lauryn Hill won 5 Grammys in 1999 it was a feat no woman artist had ever accomplished. Then Ms. Keys stepped on the stage. I struggled with including this in the top 10. I actually prefer “The Diary of Alicia Keys” to Alicia’s grand debut. But her first album captured a moment in time. We witnessed a star being born, and her star continues to shine so brightly. “Fallin’” was inescapable—you heard it everywhere. We thought, “who is this biracial, corn-rowed pianist?” Then single after single came. “A Woman’s Worth.” “How Come You Don’t Call Me.” And you have to be pretty good for Prince to grant you his blessing to remake one of his songs. The album has sold more than 12 million copies worldwide. Yes…you should have this in your collection.

Rory’s Favorite Tracks: “Troubles” & “Butterflyz”

HONORABLE MENTIONS...

Usher - "8701"

Floetry - "Floetic"

Beyonce - "Dangerously In Love"

Erykah Badu - "Mama's Gun"

Raphael Saadiq - "The Way I See It"

Jingle Jingle!

2009-12-17T11:08:00.000-06:00

Happy Thursday, Folks!

It's that time again for the holidays and I've been frantically running around trying to get presents and find money for those items. (Mr. Smart Guy's note: I will strip for cash, checks, food, toys, canned goods, Chick-O-Sticks, Now or Laters and boxes of Ramen Noodles... times are hard).

It's the time of year where you see a lot of crazy things - all due to the holiday spirits.

I've seen fathers bickering over truck sets; a woman slap another woman upside the head over stealing her parking place and countless droves of people sit in wall-to-wall traffic trying to get to the mall to spend their hard-earned cash.

It just makes you pine for the light-hearted times of the holidays... especially one in a particular from a few years back.

(insert harp and flickering screen)

It was the evening of our company's holiday party.

I was dreading the thought of going; especially because it's one of those occasions where you have to be sociable --- and schmooze with people you might not even talk to on a regular basis. You know those people --- the people that you're not all that cool with but pretend that you are so you won't seem so shallow but in all and all you are a little bit but really you don't want them knowing that so you end up having a 20 minute conversation about the weather, Tiger Woods, Disney's new Black princess movie, how good the ~~mediocre~~ food is and what you plan on doing for the holidays, etc.

This is usually the time where I fade into the abyss of my mind and start playing the Stu song from Hangover in my head.

To soften the blow of it all, I found that there were two bars with no limit on the beverages, so of course, I was really happy about that. Now before you go thinking I'm a lush, I decided not to drink at the party. I generally decline drinking in front of my co-workers because I want to maintain my professionalism at all times. I bet you're wondering if I didn't drink, why was I happy then?I was happy because I knew I was about to be entertained by all the OTHER folks that were going to enjoy the hospitality. I was not disappointed.

One lady started a conga line with no music and told one of my fellow ethnic co-workers to shimmy with her as she knew HE had rhythm.

Another lady started kissing everyone on the cheek and whispering that she hoped that they had mistletoe waistbands.

After shrieking with laughter, I made my way to the balcony to observe everything else from a higher vantage point and chat a bit with some other co-workers. 'Round 'bout (yeah, I said round bout - so what?) this time, more people came flocking and the temperature rose about what seemed like 15 degrees and I had on a very heavy sweater. I'm starting to sweat like I stole something... but yet I can't leave because I'm in the midst of a conversation.

As I'm plotting my way out of this social desert, I see a guy from another department (we'll call him Chuck for the moment) heading in my direction. I don't really know him so I decide to not speak as to not mess up what I thought his name was. He brings his spouse over to the people I'm chatting with and I look away hoping to avoid introduction. Greetings are exchanged and I'm looking away as I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's Chuck's girl (known as CG).

CG: Um. Who are you?
Me: I'm me. Who are you? (thinking to myself: I hate my life/why is she still talking to me/did I love the thermostat on)
Chuck: Oh, hey. I'm Chuck and this is my (insert whatever title he gave, I think it was wife)...
Me: It's nice to meet you both. My name is Mr. Smart Guy...
CG: How are you doing? (extending hand while sipping wine with the other)
Me: I'm hot... but other than that, I'm good. How about you?
CG: You ARE hot. (placing hand on chest)
Me (flabbergasted; thinking): Did she just say what I thought she said? Naw, she ain't said that...
Me: Um, it's (*voice cracking*) warm in here.
Chuck: It is warm in here. (heads to bar)
CG: (turns to go to bar with him)
Me: It was nice meeting you.
CG (hiccups): It was REALLY nice meeting you. The pleasure was all mine.

Needless to say, that was a bit awkward - but alls well when you're TOASTY!

That's my two cents. Feel free to insert some holiday craziness of your own.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate).

Enjoy the rest of the year to the fullest!

Smart Music Mondays, Holiday Edition.

2009-12-07T17:40:00.001-06:00

What's up, folks? Yeah, I know it's been a minute but blame it on the tryp-tryp-tryptophan. I'm back now though and I'm full of holiday cheer, wonderment and stale egg-nog.

I love this time of year because it brings people together for all the right reasons: namely in my eyes, ~~gifts!~~ familial spirit.

I remember the traditions at my house that signaled the start of the holidays:
1) The unboxing of the tree (don't hate on the plastics).
2) The stabbing of my fingers from decorating said tree.
3) The first purchase of eggnog and rumcake.
4) The first run to the bathroom from above-mentioned combination.
5) Lecture about not looking for gifts cuz only naughty kids do that.

6) Looking for said gifts anyway.
7) Hearing Donny Hathaway on the radio warbling about the fireside blazin' bright...

You already know you were singing along with him...

'Shake a hand/shake a hand'

Sorry, Donny - can't do that nowadays (no Moo & Oink*) but still, times like those made me feel the holidays were live and well. Just for a second, I close my eyes and I can see it all again and that's why I'm giving you guys a gift: my Holidaze mixtape!

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Smart Sounds Presents Holidaze.

TRACKLISTING
The Jackson 5 Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town
Luther Vandross Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
James Brown Santa Claus Goes Straight to The Ghetto
The Emotions What Do The Lonely Do at Christmas?
The Jackson 5 Give Love On Christmas Day
Nat King Cole Christmas Song
Stevie Wonder Someday at Christmas
The Temptations Silent Night
Donny Hathaway This Christmas
The Temptations Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Kurtis Blow Christmas Rappin'
Boyz II Men Let It Snow
Mariah Carey All I Want for Christmas Is You
The O'Jays Christmas Ain't Christmas (Without The One You Love)

Download Here.

Listen to it & enjoy...

This Christmas - Donny Hathaway

That's my time. Hit me up with some of your holiday memories/traditions or let me know if I've left some classics off of this mixtape.

*Moo & Oink (i.e. H1N1/Swine Flu), also owners of the funniest commercial from my Chicago childhood.

Smart Music Mondays: Music Is My Life - Vol. I - The Anthology of Mr. Smart Guy

2009-11-24T14:30:00.000-06:00

After reminiscing with my classmates, this past weekend at my alma mater's homecoming, I reflected on the times spent as the DJ played jam after jam, catapulting me to periods of my life where I came to fall in love with music.

The love affair began at an early age.

1985.

Mama Sharon used to always have the radio on, blaring smooth grooves from Marvin Gaye, Anita Baker, Peabo Bryson, etc.; mumbling off-key (because she never could remember the lyrics) but having the time of her life. She looked so at peace, smile as big as the Grand Canyon. She made me appreciate it.

Slick Willie used to warble too.

(Yep, my dad can blow a little ditty - let him tell it, he was the next Ron Isley). Whatever came on, he'd sing it and do it well with his own little twist. I always admired that and in the mirror, I mimicked whatever he did, adding new dance moves. He made me love it.

Back then, I was lil' Michael Jackson, forced to sing Billie Jean for company as they smiled and chuckled at the exuberance I exuded as I moonwalked across the room. (The Big Bro usually just sat back and laughed at my expense.) I even rocked the glove, complete with white socks and black shoes. After I tired of dancing, my older relatives would pinch my cheeks until they were sore and I would run off -- and turn on the radio.

1988.
Cousin Toya's Birthday Party.
In my crazy uncle Leroy's basement, I quietly sat in the corner, acting shy (as usual) as Keith Sweat's - How Deep is Your Love was playing in the background. Toya's best friend and neighbor from across the street, grabbed me and told me to get up and dance with her. I quickly tried to remember the dance steps from the artist I saw on Friday Night Videos and proceeded to try and not embarrass myself. Slowly bopping from side to side with my hands around her hips, I noticed she was looking at me funny. Did I have something on my face? Some nose treasure, perhaps? All of sudden, heaven hit me in the form of aggressive lips... and I realized I was kissing. It's a shame how much saliva ended up on that poor girl's face from my juicy mouf-ded-ness.

It seems like everywhere I went, music was right there at my side. For every adventure, for every heartache, for every triumph - there was an accompanying melody. You see, every time something eventful happened, there was some sort of musical verification.

Boyz II Men's End of the Road seem to play at every graduation and the O'Jays would make every family reunion feel that much warmer when they sang - in the boombox positioned next to the domino table at the forest preserves. I remember Mama Sharon walking down the aisle to Luther's Here and Now; looking like the queen she is as Pops looked on with pride.

As the tears fell from my cheeks as I carried my best friend's casket to its final resting place, I could the strained sound of It's So Hard to Say Goodbye. The nervousness creeps back in as I remember the stage fright we overcame as we sung Can You Stand The Rain for the senior talent show. My hormones hit overdrive as I reminsce about sitting in the back seat of my mother's mini-van, grabbing body parts to Mya's It's All About Me.

At Fisk, my classmates strutted down the yard to Outkast's SpottieOttieDopalicious and the Greeks crossed through to Strafe's Set It Off. The Fab 5's anthem senior year was Jay-Z's Girls, Girls, Girls - but make no mistake about it, we were dealing with grown women.

There are so many lasting memories of the times I've had with music. It's in my heart, my soul, my mind - and it will be there until the end of time.

I leave you with my own life soundtrack.

Opening Credits: Common - Be
Waking Up: Talib Kweli - Good Mourning
Average Day: Queen Latifah - Just Another Day
First Date: Kem - Love Calls
Falling In Love: Dru Hill - Beauty
Love Scene: Maxwell - Submerge
Fight Scene: Crucial Conflict - Showdown
Breaking Up: Stevie Wonder - Rocket Love
Getting Back Together: Method Man - Break Ups 2 Make Ups
Secret Love: Zhané - Crush/Maroon 5 - Secret
Life's Okay: Clipse - I'm Good
Mental Breakdown: Grandmaster Flash - The Message
Driving: William DeVaughn - Be Thankful
Learning A Lesson: Mos Def - Umi Says
Deep Thought: Sade - Keep Looking
Flashback: Kanye West - Everything I Am
Partying: Big Gipp - Steppin' Out
Happy Dance: Michael Jackson - Don't Stop Til You Get Enough
Regretting: Hi-Five - Never Should've Let You Go
Long Night Alone: Theophilus London - Cold Pillow
Death Scene: Scarface - Smile
Closing Credits: Little Brother - Leave It All Behind

Smart Guy Soundtrack: My Life

What's yours?

Tell me how music has left an imprint on your life. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing your responses.

That's it for me for today. Have a happy Thanksgiving!

Smart Music Mondays, Guest Edition: Luvvie

2009-11-09T13:02:00.004-06:00

Yep, my Smart Music has been jacked once again by the Awesome One, Miss Luvvie. If you don't know who she is, you're sleeping on hilarity at its finest. Check her out!

Next week, I'll be dropping a little present so be on the lookout!

"You know you got power, when everyone comes to your concert wearing purple sweaters." - My friend, V.E.G.

So I was watching TVOnes yesterday, and "Purple Rain" came on. I've never watched it before, but I know it's a classic because people still make references to it. While watching, I just realized how pretty Prince is. I mean, I knew before, but he was giving me ALL TYPES of fierce in it.

Throughout the movie, he was wearing ruffled shirts with these elaborate fronts and details. No one rocks ruffles like Prince! NO one. His neck was meant to be draped in fabric. Just pretty for no reason. This brings me to the fact that Prince is the gayest heterosexual sex symbol.

Disclaimer: STOP RIGHT THERE! Yes, you. The one that's about to type that I'm homophobic. Step away from the keyboard and go find a new spot to SADDOWN! I heart the Gays. So SHARRAP. Don't go there.

Yes, that is a scarf. At the SuperBowl. Twas raining. He wasn't bout to mess up his perm!

Prince may be a fan of the Love Pocket but he's probably played with a Magic Stick or 2 in his life (not that there's anything wrong with that). I just KNOWED IT! Yeah I said it. What man can rock Aunt Jemima scarves, fabulous wedged heels, ruffles and women's pants (self-admitted) and STILL have grown women drop trou? ONLY PRINCE. What other man can make all these high-pitched moans in his songs and have women squealing? ONLY PRINCE. I mean, people yell that Ne-Yo is a lover of Peni but he's still (visually anyway) more masculine than Prince. Although I do wonder what brand of lipgloss they both wear. I need my lips popping like that. TeachMe.

Grown women throw their panties at Prince's feet. I heard his concerts look like they're sponsored by Fruit of the Loom, with mounds of undies on stage. And I have to say I don't understand the huge chexual fascination with him. I'm prolly the only woman who doesn't wanna do nothing to Prince. I just wanna put him in my pocket and take him places with me. He'd be my own lil Pocket Hetero (or my Fairy GodHetero). Besides, onliest thing I can do with Prince is to go shopping. Prince and I are probably the same size too. He looks like he's about 120 pounds soaking wet with Timbs on. We'd prolly buy the same shoes and pants. And then I'd get mad cuz he looked better in them than me. HMPH! RUDE!

Besides, even if I did find him to be an object of lust-fection, I couldn't date Prince. He's way prettier than me. I'm 'posed to be the purty one in the 'lationship. His eyelashes are like paintbrushes so they trump mine. Plus he got these perfectly pouty lips. AND Prince's Wrap is greater than mine (if I still had one), yours and your Mama's. This is FACT. His hair STAYS laid. Women try but fail to achieve that coiffure. Whoever does his hair needs some sorta award. It. IS. DOPE. Yeah, we couldn't BE. My eyes would be too green. I'm shallow like that.

See? He's pretty. And his coif is greater than mine, yours and your Mama's. And you see his chesticle hair game is PROPER. He is giving me LIFE with this pic. iLive!

When I see Prince, I'm somewhat reminded of Tinkerbell. He's so dainty and airy. He'd fly easily. If I could sit down with him once, I'd ask him "Who does ur facials? Can I borrow some lipgloss? Where do you get your pumps from?" THESE are the important queries I must know.

Prince is so purty. *strokes Prince's hair*

So who's quit me as a result of this? And is there anyone else who agrees with me? Yes, all 1 of you. Stand up and show yourself. - Luvvie

Original Post @ Awesomely Luvvie.

let free love... ring.

2009-11-06T15:43:00.002-06:00

Over the last few days, I’ve been reflecting on different thoughts and conundrumsand I figured that I should run it past others (since I couldn’t find anybody, I chose you guys). I've been having sex on and off for years now and I'd like to think I ~~have a Ph. D in the Vagina Monologues~~ know what I'm doing. In retrospect, it’s been fun for the most part... at least for me anyway, and that's what counts, right? During that time span, I've come to realize something. We all should be having a lot more sex than we are -- at least most of us should (It’d save some of us $39.99 for the new releases… but that’s a story for another day).

Here's the thing. Almost all of us are fairly selective when it comes to our sexual partners. Girls look for strong, confident, masculine types with wit and charm. Guys look for . . . well; we look for the finest [or fastest] thing that will let us into their panties. Often, the amount of attractiveness required is inversely related to the length of time since the last sexual encounter and/or the amount of alcohol in his/her system. People, these standards are all wrong. We're selling ourselves shorter than a dwarf prostitute.

Sex is sex, a physical act; don’t go making it deeper than what it is.

Just remember this:

Ladies: you’re not going to always see fireworks when you finally let him hit the Good Ship Lollipop.

Fellas: just because you’re gettin’ the draws does not mean you have to marry this chick.

Let's be honest with ourselves here. Any hint of beauty, charm, grace, and/or wit flies right out the door as soon as the penis enters the vagina -- possibly even before. Have you ever looked at someone when you're having sex with them? People make the strangest, ridiculous, and most inexcusable faces when they're in the throes of passion. Eyes roll back. Mouths hang open. People grunt as if they were trying to get rid of last night's Guacamole Surprise. Even more peculiar, peoples' bodies do that bizarre convulsing thing when they climax and their toes curl. Are you developing the mental picture?

And the things we say . . . oh, the things we say.

That person you met at the club who was charming and witty, and who said all the right things, all of a sudden begins spewing forth profanities that would make a porn star blush -- from the same mouth they kiss their mother with, no less. The wit, charm, and even coherence are all gone and you're left with a shell of a person who has lost the ability to use 95.5% of their brain. And just who started this thing where we all talk to God while we're doing it? If our brains were actually engaged during sex, we'd see the irony of calling out to God while we're hitting it doggy-style...

Then, there are the horrific noises we make. Grunting and groaning as if we were lying on our death bed. Have you ever thought about the fact that a person having sex will often replicate the sounds you might here from a person recently awoken from major abdominal surgery? Those sounds obliterate any amount of dignity we entered the bedroom with.

Not to mention that, if the sex is great, we end up all sweaty, sticky, and smelling like a mixture of barn animals by the end. In fact, the better the sex, the louder, more outlandish, more unattractive, wetter, stickier, and less coherent we become. We become the exact opposite of what the other person was looking for in the first place!!

My point here is that all those attributes you are looking for in a sex partner don't amount to squat once the lights go out and the legs go up. We all become reduced to sweaty, gutter-mouthed idiots with ludicrous (even downright ugly) expressions on our faces. Yet, we continue to look for the very opposite in a sex partner.

People, we are all being much too selective when it comes having sex. Let's all just step back a moment, realize the error of our ways, and resolve not to limit our sex partners based on such silly and obviously irrelevant criteria. Let's stop discriminating against the ugly and the meek and start having sex. The next time you see someone who looks like they might enjoy having sex with you, I want you to go right up to them and ask them to have sex with you. If they've read my blog, they'll likely smile, say okay, and the next thing you know you'll be swinging from the rafters. If they haven't read my blog… well, then you'll likely have to move on.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to start today. Who's comin’ with me?

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

That's my time.

Smart Music Mondays, Two Four Five and Some Change.

2009-11-02T13:42:00.004-06:00

MIX OF THE WEEK
Flwrpt. - Autumn

The Message

Autumn is different from the traditionally creations. It's a mix of deep house, nu-soul, r&b, and electronic music. It’s all about the vibes this go-round, hopefully you all can feel it! Enjoy…

Check out the sound!

Download Here:
MAC Users: Option + Click on the link below.
PC Users: Right-Click + Save As… on the link below.

Download Autumn.

or

Listen Now:

Tracklisting:
Eric Roberson – N2U
N’Dambi – Call Me
Aya – Love Yourself
Stevie Wonder – My Love Is On Fire (DJ Spinna Remix)
Peven Everett – Time After Time
Alison Crockett – Crossroads ( DJ Spinna Remix)
Andre 3000 – She Lives In My Lap
Stephanie McKay – Peace & Quiet
Masinuh – Construction
Soulquarians – Saturday Night
Jamiroquai – Alright
Vikter Duplaix – Grover (Remix)
A.G. Thomas – The 1, 2
Randy Watson Experience – Grover III
Tony Toni Tone – I Couldn’t Keep It To Myself
Dam-Funk – Fantasy
Alison Crockett – U R
Danny Madden – Facts of Life
Peven Everett – Stuck
Dam-Funk – Mirrors
Shafiq – Love Still Hurts

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Geno Young - The Ghetto Symphony

TRACKLISTING
1. Introlude
2. Throw Your Hands
3. She Won't Talk To Me
4. Honeydew
5. Broadway
6. I Really Do
7. Let's Lay Down
8. Man With Nothing To Lose
9. Broadway Live
10. Do What You Do
11. I Get So Wrapped Up In You
12. Was It A Love Song (Ramp)
13. Love Beyond Compare

Download Here.

Listen to it & enjoy...

I'm kinda diggin' the shortened stuff so I'll be implementing a few changes soon...

Last night, I was online working on a few things and I decided to a break and check out Twitter. The trending topic of choice was #musicmemory, dedicated to musical memories and it seem to invoke a myriad of memories for many (sidebar: my alliteration game is proper - don't hate) and I decided to share some of mine (as well as my followers)

#musicmemory slow grinding to Keith Sweat How Deep Is Your Love in my cousin's birthday party

#musicmemory listening to moms play the 5 stairsteps ooh child after she whooped me or my brothers (also always made me think of the scene in Boyz In The Hood when Doughboy got arrested)

Ooh Child - Boyz N The Hood Soundtrack

#musicmemory listening to the luniz I got 5 on it wondering what "it" was... (I eventually found out firsthand)

#musicmemory making slow jam tapes from the radio - getting slick pissed if the dj came back on before the song was over

#musicmemory hearing rap for the first time: beastie boys-brass monkey - I was amazed and confused - wtf was the point of that song?

#musicmemory watching friday night videos (no cable) and trying to mimic dance moves

@asiakismet #musicmemory actually watching soultrain on saturdays.

@theothertoya #musicmemory Jagged Edge's "Gotta Be" part of my voicemail msg for my pager...LMBO!

@LorrenJade #musicmemory Freshman year of College, moving from Ohio to Nashville & being introduced to all the dirty south rap music! Lol

With all that being said, what are a few of your music memories?

Get @ me... (insert DMX growl)

Have a great week!

Where's My Umbrella-eh-eh-eh? [classic post]

2009-10-30T15:00:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the non-posts - I'll be back soon... - Mr. Smart Guy

What's up, folks? I hope all is well. I know it's been a minute since I wrote... been experiencing a little something called real life. It's kind of weird disconnecting from this addiction and actually going out and doing stuff.

Go figure.

Well, anyway - one of my homeboys took a position in the Big Apple and we all decided to hang out last night at this trendy spot to celebrate. Of course, since everybody met up at my house - I decided (i.e. was forced) to be the designated sucker - I mean driver.

Two of the crew had already started drinking before they had arrived and they were slurring worse than a KKK rally in Harlem. I knew I was in for a LOOOOOOOOOONG night because whenever these dudes get drunk, you have to watch out for something popping off.

We finally head out on the way to the spot - which I had never been to before. I try to get some info on the place - but I'm really just relieved that we aren't doing the same ol' thang...

My intoxicated friend tells me he heard the joint was a great spot to be and that we were gonna have a great time. Slowly, I began to get excited about the possibilities of the night seeing I'm always down for a good time.

We pull up and see that there is a line of people outside the lounge so we immediately know it's not dead. We park and head in - straight to the bar. I get my one beverage - because I know that's all I can really have being the responsible guy I am... and proceed to take in the ambiance.

There was virtually no seating - except for a cushy spot right on the dance floor.

"Sounds good to me! We can get a prime view of these lovely ladies!" replied my drunken sidekick.

So we all made our way over there with our drinks - and posted up.

Like clockwork, this inebriated chick (whose breath smelled like a mixture of Bacardi, White Diamonds, Virginia Slims and moldy tacos) asked if we knew what time the show started.

I replied to her that I had no idea about a show - but I'd find out about it for her - provided she stopped talking immediately...

All of sudden, all of the lights went out and this techno music started playing. A spotlight went to the middle of the dance floor and the ugliest woman I'd ever seen came out. It sorta looked like this:

C & C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat

What did the bartender put in my drink?

What madness am I viewing?

The ugly woman started gyrating everywhere and this man came out and started throwing dollar bills at her. She was obviously excited so she started dancing harder and all of these guys randomly would come up with money and blow kisses at her.

Then she turned in our direction.

What
The
EFF?

That is an Adam's Apple.

A HUGE ADAM'S APPLE.

Is she... a HE?

[cue It's Raining Men]

Glad we found that little tidbit out because our homeboy was about to buy "SHIM" a drink - as he was checking out "her" firm backside and told us that he liked his women with a little muscle definition because they tend to surprise him in bed.

I bet that would have been one helluva surprise.

That's my time. In the meantime, let me know about an unexpected experience you've encountered. Have a great weekend!

Smart Music Mondays, Twenty Four Point Five.

2009-10-26T17:54:00.001-05:00

Sorry guys... been kinda under the weather and I've got some other things up my sleeve... be back soon!

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
He's The King, I'm The DJ

Jeff said he was inspired to do the mixtape after fellow DJ Mick Boogie suggested putting his playlist together as a proper release.

“I did it exactly as I would play it out live,” Jeff explained. “I kind of wanted to give a feel like you heard it in a club. I didn’t necessarily want to go in a certain order, ’cause everybody in the world plays certain Michael Jackson songs. And I wanted to play songs that not everyone plays, play some obscure album cuts. And if you listen to it, I have some a capella and versions of songs that not everyone had heard. So, I kind of wanted to mix it up and keep people off guard. Just give them an example of all that Michael was like.”

“After Mike passed, I really started digging, and I found a bunch of stuff that I didn’t know Mike had, especially with the Jackson 5,” Jeff told MTV News. “He had a whole bunch of albums that go completely past people. I think people just go for [popular songs like] ‘I Want You Back,’ ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ — and there was a bunch of obscure albums that all had really good stuff on them. Then it was hard, because I wanted to keep it one CD and not make it a Mike anthology. I wanted to just make it something that was entertaining, that you could just play from the beginning to end.”

The 49-song mixtape is sponsored by Undcrwrn apparel and will be available for free download on their site starting Monday (October 26), on the eve of premiere of the concert documentary, “Michael Jackson’s This Is It.” The mixtape cover, featuring an illustrated take on Jeff and Smith’s album He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper, is also printed on a T-shirt from Udrcrwn, retailing for $32.

SMART TAKE: DJ Jazzy Jeff. Michael Jackson. Score. That is all.

UNDRCRWN PRESENTS: DJ JAZZY JEFF "HES THE KING, IM THE DJ"

Download Here.

Listen to it & enjoy...

Have a great week!

Smart Music Mondays, Twenty Four.

2009-10-12T13:45:00.003-05:00

It's that time once again for Smart Music Mondays! Hopefully, I'm not boring you with my selections... let me know if there is something I should be listening to! Now's let's get down to the business at hand.

First off, Rahdu has blessed us with another of his classic podcasts!

Old School Mixed CDs: DSXXX 14: Soulful Treats and Bedroom Beats
TRACKLIST
1. Intro
2. india.arie - Butterfly
3. Jill Scott - Brotha
4. 9th Wonder Inst w/ Big Rube - Alphabet Acrobat
5. Lucy Pearl feat Phat Kat - Without You (Dwele remix)
6. D'angelo feat Redman - Dreamin' Eyes (Def Squad Remix)
7. Erykah Badu - Bump It w/ Musiq - Soulstar Inst
8. Angela Johnson - Money Dont Grow on Trees
9. Yahzarah - Laugh
10. Questionmark Asylm - Lookaway Inst w/ Dave Chapelle - Landlord
11. Ms. Dynamite - Gotta Let U Know
12. Pete Rock - Smooth Sailing w/ Pharcyde - Passin' Me By
13. Angie Stone - Bone 2 Pic (Wit U)
14. Kenny Latimore - Cant Get Enough
15. Rahsaan Patterson - The One For Me
16. Maxwell - Sumthin Sumthin
17. Musiq - Youloveme
18. Dwele - Fan2C Lady
19. Van Hunt - Precious (Live in Cleveland)
20. Conya Doss - That's Not Love
21. Sweetback feat Maxwell - Softly, Softly
22. Phuturistix - Sunshine Lover (Amma)
23. N'dambi - Deep
24. Mary J Blige - My Life
25. Roy Ayers - Everybody Loves the Sunshine

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

FRESH FEATURE: TURN MY HEADPHONES UP
This week is a new feature that I'm starting. I'm gathering new stuff that's fresh (reader submissions are very much welcome) and broadcasting it to you guys.

Ill Fingas EP

This LP was sent to me by One Sun - and I have to admit the rhythm is contagious. This is based out of Russia and it goes kinda hard. Check it out and let me know if you enjoy as well...

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Brittany Bosco - Spectrum 2.0

Almost without warning unheard and unseen, Brittany Bosco has created a growing revolution amongst her peers and her contemporaries in Atlanta’s growing, cultural music scene. The Savannah native took the reigns of the pulse coursing through the veins of underground music with her release of the The Spectrum EP in 2008, and has continued to ride this pulse, making it’s vibrations and sound audible to those in the mainstream industry. The recent release of her debut video, “Blues for Blue/Black & White” , as well as a string of performances on both coasts, displays Bosco’s ability to captivate audiences and break boundaries of age, genre, sex, and race. California to Chicago, New York to North Carolina, Bosco’s ability to bend genres and captivate the hearts and imagination of her multitude of supporters is evident. Within a years time, Bosco has received major media recognition, and her fan base has grown exponentially. She has no plan to stop anytime soon.

There are few things more exciting, moving, thrilling, and mind-altering than witnessing the vocal talents and showmanship displayed at a Brittany Bosco performance. The professionally trained songstress, and self-proclaimed “actress” combines these unique gifts and truly exhibits traits of the greatest entertainers of our time. Bosco’s well-rounded taste in music, which includes contemporary alternative artists as well as legends of sound from the 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s, combined with her love for true showmanship has made her an unstoppable force, oozing with raw talent and charming personality.

Now, with the release of her next compilation, "The Spectrum Re-Release", followed by BLACK in the fall of 2009 Bosco and The Big Up! creative collective continue to develop the Bosco brand through innovations in both music and design. Brittany Bosco is genre-bending, thought - provoking, inspiring, quirky, passionate, and honest. A diamond in the rough, a truly authentic artist creating her own waves within a sea of mediocrity. Take a look. Take a listen.

Welcome to Funkyolon 00:56
Black Keys 03:09
8-Track 03:55
Glitch 04:25
City of Nowhere 03:11
Blues for Blue 02:23
Billie's Song 03:23
It Was You 04:16
Black & White 03:42
Lovethang 04:32
It Was You Live (feat. Brandon Thomas) 04:53
Black&White Remix (feat. KidSyc) 05:03

Download Here.

Listen to it & enjoy...

Have a great week!

gotcha!

2009-10-08T16:23:00.001-05:00

Good afternoon, everyone. I hope you all are well. I'm maintaining - for the most part. I've spent most of my day in boredom as all of the electricity went out in my building. Apparently, a surge protector wasn't on the list of must need things and we all caught more L's than Cool James. Fortunately, with all of the free time I came into, it afforded me enough time to reminisce on various situations (especially those in college), namely those that caused me to feel really old all of a sudden.

Ah, the glory days of hormones, creased jeans and dolla holla parties in a gym that was hotter than two portly people in long johns having sex in a sauna.

Sigh.

Smart Guy Sidebar: Let me first preface this; during those days, my crew and I were so head-strong, confident --- and plain old ig'nant - because some of the things that we did bordered on pure and unadulterated stupidity.

My junior year of college, I tried to date several people at once. While this may seem normal to some, it was extremely out of the ordinary for me. For the longest time, I was in my serial monogamist mode - so for me to be with multiple indiviuals was very strange. I was still seeing my on-and-off ex-girlfriend of several years, RoundtheWayGirl, and talking other co-eds on the campus. One night after whispering long-distance sweet nothings in my former boo's ear, we arranged a visit for her to come and see me for a couple of days.

After setting the plan in motion, I soon realized that I had spread myself too thin. At the time, several females vying for my attention during the same time of the visit. Woe was me. What was I to do?

INNER VOICE: What they don't know won't hurt them....

Everything was set. I would entertain RoundtheWayGirl for a couple of days and set apart some quality time for the other girls once she left. I had to think of something that would allow me to not have to worry about any unexpected surprises in the meantime.

There are certain things one has to know when practicing deception... and apparently, young Smart Guy didn't get that memo.

Rule #1: A Lie Will Always Come Back To Bite You In Your Ass.
I told Midwest Swang AKA Girl #1 that I was sick and I couldn't spend time with for fear she might get infected.
I told Southern Smoke AKA Girl #2 that I had several tests upcoming and I would be spending most of my time studying over the weekend.
I can't remember what I told Girl #3 ~~or her whimsical nickname~~ - but it was some BS, too. All in all, it was all dumb - but it wouldn't much of a story if I was smart at the time - but I digress.

The days passed and RoundtheWayGirl arrived at the airport. Things were good. I took her to her room (I stayed in an all-male dorm, so she couldn't stay with me) to get settled and then we went spent some time together. We were having a good time and all was good - until...

Rule #2: Never Get Too Full of Yourself
While I was enjoying my time with RoundtheWayGirl, I decided that she wasn't enough for me at the time - and I wanted more time with one of the other ladies. I created a situation that allowed me to leave RoundtheWayGirl in her hotel - and immediately rushed to see Southern Smoke. Big mistake. Time sped through the day faster than a Taco Bell burrito through someone's digestive system. Next thing you know, I've been gone for several hours and my cell is ringing off the hook. Damn, homie - what were you thinking?

I rushed back to RoundtheWayGirl and began to profusely apologize for losing track of time and promised to make it up to her. We ended deciding to go to the mall to shop our troubles away. We jump into my beaten-up, piece of junk, I need to be pimped by Xzibit ride and head off. All of sudden, the smell of something burning began wafting in the air and my engine starting making noises that an engine should never make.

My friggin' engine has blown on the middle of the expressway. Hoorah.

Distraught, I have my car towed back to the dorm - and all the while, RoundtheWayGirl is in my ear, telling me that she should have never come to see me. We go in the dorm, both scowling, and sign her into the book and proceed upstairs. This was beginning to take a turn for the worst but we only had a couple of hours left until her plane departed. It couldn't get any worse, could it?

Rule #3: Always expect the worst.
Right about that time, my phone started ringing several times and I refused to answer it. Immediately, RoundtheWayGirl got suspicious.

RoundtheWayGirl: Um, why ain't you pickin' up the phone?
Smart Guy: Um. Cuz.
Smart Guy's Inner Thoughts: Why didn't you pick up the phone, jackass?

All of sudden, there were several knocks at my door. I looked out of the peephole and noticed several enraged women, demanding immediate entrance.

RoundtheWayGirl: Um, why are all these chicks outside your door, Smart Guy?
Smart Guy: Um. Cuz.
Smart Guy's Inner Thoughts: Whatever you do, don't open the cotdam door.

Apparently, Midwest Swing decided to bring me some soup (because I was ill with a mild case of Anthrax - at the time it sounded good) and when she arrived at the dorm, she noticed that a female was signed under my name. Upon that revelation, she rushed back to her place, crying profusely. Her friends learned of this "indiscretion" against her - and vowed to avenge her honor - at my expense... now, this herd of estrogen is outside my door, waiting to snap me like a Slim Jim. Meanwhile, I'm wishing I was somewhere else other than this spot. RoundtheWayGirl is carving me up with her eyes, demanding to know what the hell is going on and the chants are getting louder and louder. If I can recollect, I think a single tear dropped, symbolizing how alone I was about to be. I can hear Ron Isley singing this to me:

Go upstairs (Busted),
Pack your bags (Cuz you busted),
While you at it (Busted),
Call a cab (Cuz you busted),
It's obvious (Busted),
You played around (Cuz you busted),
Go upstairs and get your s---
and get the f--- up out of here now.

Needless to say, things didn't turn out well. Not only did I lose the two directly involved in the event, but everyone else on campus found out what happened, including the other girls I was seeing. #FAIL.

That ordeal taught me so many lessons:

1) Don't do that.
2) Don't do that again.
3) Don't do that again - ever.

Otherwise, you'll end up looking like this:

Hit me up - let me know if you know of or heard of anyone (including yourself) that has been in that situation. I just don't wanna be the only one.

That's my time.

Have a great weekend!

Smart Music Mondays, Two Three.

2009-10-05T23:51:00.002-05:00

What's up, folks? Got this up - just in the nick of time... sorry for the delay!

Hope everyone had a good weekend; mine was nice but now I'm ready to get back on the grind. It's that time once again for Smart Music Mondays!

First off, Rahdu has blessed us with another of his classic podcasts!

DJ Rahdu - The iPod Chronicles 002: As The Itunes Shuffles
TRACKLIST
Mos Def – If you Can Huh You Can Hear
Lucy Pearl - La (Untitled)
DJ Cid - All of My Life
The High & Mighty featuring Mos Def; Mad Skillz
James Brown - Hot Pants Road
De La Soul; Butta Verses - No
Group Home - Supa Star Instrumental
Noni Limar - Monogamy
Musiq Soulchild - So Beautiful
DJ Tonk; Othello - Reform (King Most Remix)
Frank N Dank; Phat Kat - Me and My Man
Jake One - Great Sound
Fat Joe - Jealousy
The Herbaliser - End Credits
Slum Village - Jealousy
Prince Ali; Louisville Sluggah - Grew Up
Median - Visionary
Digable Planets - 9th Wonder (Blackitolism) Sam Napier Mix
Lowell Fulsom - Tramp
People Under The Stairs - Give Love A Chance
Kashif - Baby Don't Break Your Baby's Heart

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

ALBUM OF THE WEEK

This is a collection of moments. Enjoy this collection of Love sounds old, new, and in-between from some past favorites, some good friends, & hopefully some artists you may not have heard before. It's a lovely amalgam of mostly new (Robert Glasper and Bilal's awesome "All Matter") and some not-so-new tracks (Herbie Hancock and Kimiko Kasai's lovely "Butterfly"), but it's definitely something you're going to kick yourself hard for not getting into sooner.

Tracklist and download link below.

# Imani Waddy & AFTA-1 - Light & Vibration
# Robert Glasper ft. Bilal - All Matter
# Isley Brothers - Footsteps in the Dark (King Britt remix)
# Boom Clap Bachelors - Combineur
# Little Dragon - Thunder Love
# AFTA-1 ft. Nikko Gray - ESP (A Four Page Suite)
# Herbie Hancock - Butterfly
# Alpha - Reprise
# Mos Def - Boogie Man Song
# AFTA-1 & Cazeaux O.S.L.O. - M.M.J.S. (A Sweaterless Suite)
# A Race Of Angels - Present Love
# Cazeaux O.S.L.O. - Wortha's Greens
# Deadbeat - Port Au Prince
# Musinah - Lose My Fuse (Prod. By Flying Lotus)
# Murcof - Mapa
# Dam Funk - Angel Reflections (excerpt)
# LAL Forrest - Pale
# AFTA-1 - Fortune Remix
# Alice Coltrane - Prema (excerpt)
# AFTA-1 - 7th Sun (first Draft)

Download Here.

Listen to it & enjoy...

Have a great week!

my first luv.

2009-10-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

Hey, everybody - just wanted to drop a little note off today. My first girlfriend has just arrived in town to visit me. She came through because she had a little time off and wanted to spend it with the most handsome man she knew and ~~since he was all booked up,~~ she chose me! You know what they say; you never forget your first love… I mean, who could forget her? I’ve loved her since the day I met her… and it’s because of her I am the man I am today. What else can I say about her to make you all understand the magnitude that this woman exudes in my life? She’s attentive, loyal, giving and warm… all in all, one great woman.

A great woman who became my 1st girlfriend at the age of 6 (hey, I started early) who loved me greater than no one else could and protected me from anyone that would try and harm me… and I love her for that. Yes, my partner-in-crime just touched down in the ‘Ville i… which in turn forced me to spruce up the place (like checking for golden wrappers) and putting some food in the fridge (did you think she wasn’t going to cook for her baby?!!!). If you haven't figured it out, Ma Dukes is in the building.

Before I start preaching on the greatness of Miss Sharon, I must also note that it will be a miracle if we don’t bump heads some time during her stay. Please know that Mama is not going to hold her tongue for anybody even if she is staying in my home.

Sometimes parents forget that their children have minds of their own and that they don’t have to coddle them anymore; it’s hard for them to let go and understandably so; they are the reasons you are breathing today. With that being said, without (most of) them, we wouldn’t act the way we do today. For example, one of the reasons I write is because Moms took me to the library every week so that I could check out an immense amounts of books to read. These books allowed me to gain an appreciation for literature (plus we got free pizza for every 3 books we read - shout out to the BookIt program!) but that’s beside the point.

Parents need to be aware of what their child’s interests are (sometimes what they want them to be interested in) and nurture them. My folks separated while I was still a toddler – but I never lacked guidance or felt like I was missing anything. See, this little woman, no more than 5’4” or so, would still take me to the park so we could play catch, shoot hoops, etc. She may have not been that great at either but that type of sacrifice stuck with me. She was a giver who was never be-grudging of anything… especially her belt, when I got out of line.

Moms: “This is hurting me more than it’s hurting you.”
Me (inner thoughts activated): Then, tell me why my butt is sore?!!!

Her “whoopin” lines used kill me every time but I knew she was right (but I’ll never admit it to her, though). Without the fear I had for my mama (and her belt, shoe, extension cord, etc.), I may not be sitting here, typing to you today. I guess she just figured out what exactly to do.

Did I also mention she was a sleuth? She always knew when I was lying and when I was up to no good. She knew who stole extra candy from Big Momma’s house, who didn’t wash behind their ears and who was in her house when she wasn't home.

Yep, she definitely knew when some fast-tailed girl had been in her house while she wasn’t. I distinctly remember a time when I had a half-day from school and I invited [translation: snuck] some of my friends over before she got home from work. I took my “girlfriend” upstairs so I could be like Maxwell and do a lil' sumthin sumthin when my homeboy, The Long-Haired One came barreling up the stairs, out-of-breath.

Mama Sharon was home early!!!

“Oh, my damn, what am I going to do?!!” I thought to myself.

I quickly prayed to Jesus to spare my life (and social standing) from this woman. She came in and immediately started to yell.

“Smart Guy, if you don’t get your narrow behind down here and pick up your coats…”

Moms had a thing about being orderly and neat, when she arrived home and saw the disarray, she naturally assumed they were my things. I rushed to pick up the coats with a quickness that was Olympic-esque. As I reached for the garments, she looked closely at my flustered face and simultaneously noticed that one of coats was hot pink. “Boy, you don’t have a pink coat… who in the h*** is in my house?” she asked.

Slowly but surely, 8 stimulated teenagers trudged down the steps into the living-room, to find my mother there with a noticeable scowl on my face. “Now I know your parents didn’t raise you to be sliding around somebody’s house when they’re not home… you should be ashamed of yourselves… get the h*** out of my house before I call the cops!”

As they all sauntered out of the door, she looked at me, laughed and told me --- to get the hell out, too.

You think you’re grown, huh? Go stay with your Big Momma…”

And I did, for the rest of the afternoon. After that, my lustful encounters quickly dissipated… but I think that situation saved me from making a mistake I couldn’t retract later on in life.

She dispels that knowledge to every knucklehead that enters the household at 78th and Vernon…

Thanks, Ma (aka Gammaw)… we couldn’t have done it without you.

That’s my time. Feel free to give a shout out to your folks, too…

Smart Music Mondays, Deuce Deuce.

2009-09-28T15:17:00.002-05:00

What's up, folks? Hope everyone had a good weekend; mine was nice but now I'm ready to get back on the grind. It's that time once again for Smart Music Mondays!

First off, Rahdu has blessed us with another of his classic podcasts!

DJ Rahdu mixes up a 30 min midtempo sexy blend that's full of joints that make you wanna snuggle up and get closer.

DJ Rahdu - The Fudge Muffin Mix
TRACKLIST
1. The Purple One - When We're Dancing Close and Slow
2. The Foreign Exchange - Daykeeper
3. MeLo-X - The Coldest Riddim
4. Jesse Boykins III - Pantyhose
5. J-Zen - Morning
6. Sy Smith - Overthought
7. Dwele - Eve (I Need You)
8. Eric Roberson - Further
9. Raheem Devaughn - Hennesy Joint
10. Flying Lotus - Roberta Flack (Mike Slott Reflunk)
11. Vikter Duplaix - Electric Love
12. Jaafar; Amore - Everytime
13. Iman - Who Was I Trying to Fool
14. Wax Poetic; Norah Jones - Tell Me (TOS Mix)
15. Brisa - Small Hands

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

ALBUM OF THE WEEK

Beatnick & K-Salaam return after their highly successful mixtape “Where The Streets Have No Name” with a remix album showcasing some of the greatest legends in music. Remixes of Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder and Marvin Gaye tracks. Now, they released 2 versions of this tape, the regular remix album with the vocals and then the instrumental version. The instrumental version is what really grabbed my attention. Beatnick & K-Salaam are extremely talented producers and the instrumentals highlight that to a T. If I were you, I would be downloading the instrumental version without a doubt and just vibin' out to it or even getting creative with it. Take a listen to both versions and decide for yourself. You can even download both if you please. The instrumental version does cost $6, but it’s well worth it. You can stream it all day for free though.

Tracklist and download links below.

1. Michael Jackson – I’ll Be There Remix (Prod. By Beatnick & K-Salaam
2. Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)
3. Stevie Wonder – My Cherie Amor Remix (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)
4. Michael Jackson – Never Can Say Goodbye Remix (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)
5. Marvin Gaye – What’s Going On Remix (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)
6. Stevie Wonder – Uptight Remix (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)
7. Michael Jackson – ABC Remix (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)
8. Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On Remix (Prod. by Beatnick & K-Salaam)

Download “Never Can Say Goodbye” Here.
Download “Never Can Say Goodbye”[Instrumental Version] Here.

Listen to it & enjoy...

Have a great week!

Smart Music Mondays, Twenty One.

2009-09-21T13:01:00.003-05:00

Happy Monday, Folks!

It's been awhile since I left you without the Smart Music to bob your head to... and I apologize wholeheartedly. Allow me to re-introduce myself!

It's your neighborhood Mr. Smart Guy bringing audio pleasures old and new to your ear drums.

Your week is about to come alive with the latest from BamaLoveSoul’s own DJ Rahdu.

This mix is a sexy soulful number featuring artists like Spacek, Cottonbelly and Silhouette Brown. Gypsy Eyes was created to be a Love Jones inspired mix so it's definitely going to be a musical experience that takes you from mood to mood.

Click Here To Download

1. Gypsy Eyes Intro
2. Sirius B Project - Love Has A Place in Time
3. Innervoices - slow Jam of the Year
4. Bilal - You're All I Need (Feels Like Heaven)
5. 4th Ave Jones - Chasin' A Dream
6. Jaguar Wright - Go to My Place
7. Silhouette Brown - Just a Little More
8. Alison Crockett - Crossroads
9. Everything But the Girl (DJ Jazzy Jeff Remimx)
10. The Square Egg - ?
11. Shuman - Security Instrumental
12. Gurufish - Touch Your Body
13. Dwele - The fact Is
14. Steve Spacek - Look into My Eyes
15. kingsbread - It's Alright
16. Boozoo Bajou - Take it Slow
17. Floetry - I Want U
18. Lina - Leaving You (Diamondsoul Remix)
19. Uncut - Midnight (waiwan Remix)
20. Jaffa - Elevator
Listen up when you get a chance....

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Smart Sounds & DJ Longstroke Present The Money Shot: A Journey Back to Priceless Classics.

This compilation of 90's & 2000's jams is a must listen, transporting you back to a time when the groove was plentiful and the rhythm hit you like a ton of bricks. If you enjoy good music (and I know you do), make sure you grab this mix!

Disc 1: Smooth
1) Aaliyah - Age Ain't Nothing But A Number
2) Erykah Badu - Next Lifetime
3) Mary J. Blige - Love No Limit... Read More
4) Groove Theory - Tell Me
5) Zhané - Crush
6) Case - Touch Me Tease Me
7) D'Angelo - Me And Those Dreamin' Eyes Of Mine
8) Jodeci - Come & Talk to Me
9) Hi-Five - I Like The Way (The Kissing Game)
10) Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth - They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)
11) Jon B - Are U Still Down
12) Rahsaan Patterson - Where You Are
13) Mint Condition - Breakin' My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)
14) Rude Boys - Written All Over Your Face
15) Case - Missing You
16) Erykah Badu - No Love
17) Refugee Camp All - Stars - The Sweetest Thing
18) Guy - Let's Chill

Click To Download DISC 1

Disc 2: Groove
1) Sons of Funk - Pushin' Inside You
2) Tony! Toni! Toné! - (Lay Your Head On My) Pillow
3) Chico Debarge - Love Still Good... Read More
4) R. Kelly - It Seems Like You're Ready
5) 112 - Now That We're Done
6) Changing Faces - Stroke You Up
7) Maxwell - Sumthin' Sumthin': Mellosmoothe (Cut)
8) Ginuwine - So Anxious
9) Silk - Lose Control
10) Janet Jackson - Anytime, Anyplace [R. Kelly Mix]
11) Kut Klose - I Like
12) Sade - Cherish The Day
13) Raphael Saadiq - Ask of You
14) SWV - Rain
15) Jodeci - Feenin'
16) Intro - Ribbon In The Sky
17) R. Kelly - Tempo Slow
18) Tony! Toni! Toné! - Just Me & You

Click To Download DISC 2

Make you sure you continue to visit the site as we'll be doing some contests including some giveaways. In addition, hit up the shoutbox to let me know some new artists to feature or additional stuff you'd like me have up for download.

That's my two cents for today - have a good Monday, folks!

to know or not to know: that is the question...

2009-09-18T13:50:00.001-05:00

What's up, folks? It's been a minute. OK, it's been longer than Amistad but I'm back and – exhausted. I’m rambling – so let me get to the point of today’s blog. The other day, I was entrenched in a deep conversation with a friend of mine, SpottieOttieDopalicious.

Spottie is the type of guy who always gets wrapped in the person he’s with. He always thinks she could be Miss Dopalicious. It can be a pain talking to him… but like the dutiful friend I am, I listen. So, anyway, like clockwork, Spottie starts talking about how great his girl was:
Man, I luhvs dat gul… she is one cup of Grade A wonderful… she can burn in the kitchen… she cleans up – in a wife beater, boy shorts & stilettos… did I mention she was a freak? I luhvs her, man… I think I wanna marry her…

After his rambling (on and on – I think it was some hours) about the greatness of his phenomenal woman, he drops this bomb on me.

Man, if she is cheating on me, I don’t wanna know…

After dropping that bombshell he sounded like Charlie Brown to me (whompwhompwhomp-whompwhompwhomp); mainly because I’m still focusing on what he just told me.

I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if you’re creepin’, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
- Mario Winans

That song immediately popped into my head as Spottie was spitting his nonsense.
You don’t want to know?!!! What kind of BS is that?
[I think I almost bust a blood vessel from being so incredulous about him being so love-drunk and oblivious]
You’re investing time, effort and energy into someone and you don’t want to know?!

If you find a condom in the house (and you’re allergic to latex), you don’t wanna know how that got there?

Ladies, what if you find some panties in the house that ain’t yours, you don’t wanna know?

I can see the scene now:
Girl: that nucca is always losing stuff… he'd lose his head if it wasn't attached to his head.
Wait a minute!!!! Nucca, whose panties are these?
Guy: I don’t know… they ain’t yours?!!!
Girl: Naw, nuh uh - I wear a 8 and these are a 4 - whose are these?!!
Guy: I told you I don't know!
Girl (thinking to self): Maybe they are mine...

Think about it – do you want to one day be blindsided by an admission of infidelity?
Yes, I f----d her… I f----d her… is that you want to hear, yes, I f----d her…but I make love to you…
I’ve heard stories of people getting caught red-handed, leaving their beaus with the “it wasn’t me” story.

Is it that hard out here for a pimp?

People, you are more than capable of landing someone that is focused on you, not you, me and her.

I don’t care she has some bomb-azz p***y or if he can lay pipe like a plumber… it’s not worth it if they are sharing their services with other consumers.

Tell me - I want to know – everything. Educate me… hell, let me know and then let me go so that I can roll in piece. Close your nose and open up your eyes and ears, I promise you’ll benefit in the long run. If you ever have to question your relationship or your partner's loyalty, then something just ain't right. Follow your instinct. Your intuition will guide you. There is a reason why you're feeling like this. Get out before the funk hits the fan and you're a part of Trapped in the Closet, Pt. 74: Hot Grits and Bacon Grease. Let me know if you're feelin' me or if I'm way off-base.

I'm out - see y’all on Monday…

Fantasy Island (classic)

2009-08-28T14:50:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been ghost for a minute but I wanted to drop off a classic post from awhile back - enjoy!

While you're at it, feel free to vote for your favorite Mr. Smart Guy (if you feel so inclined) in the 2009 Black Weblog Awards. I have been nominated for 2 awards: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog...

Click on the picture to vote!

What's going on, people? You guys know I usually don't write on Fridays but I had to spit this one out. I was conversing with Princess Dana about the normal get ready for the weekend topics; waiting until the clock to strike for some type of break - and all of sudden, Dana says this:

Dana: I really didn't want to come in
Dana: Thought about taking off and watching porn all day

And then the floodgates opened.Seems that young Dana has quite an affection for the smut cinematic features... the Princess has unrealized dreams of being a porn star - she's down for it - except she doesn't want to have sex with strangers.
[Smart Thought of the Day: that would probably be a deterrent in her being really effective at the job.] I on the other hand, don't really get down on watching that ~~(OK, maybe every once and awhile)~~.

You see, the reason(s) why I don't like porn are because:

I'd rather be doing than viewing.
It's all very bad acting.
See #1

The ones I have happened to watch were pretty bad (sans the lovely Miss Steffans AKA Supahead) so I had to ask Dana who she really liked and then the topic broadened. For those who don't know, there are various categories of porn. Some involve objects, animals, fetishes but the most popular deal with race.

Take Black porn for instance.

The actors in Black porn always try to have conversations and whatnot.

Here is a sample scene from Nubian Lovin'; Volume 348.
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Yeah, what's your name, sweetheart?
Anatomically Blessed Black Woman: Shallondria
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Shallondria, where you from?
Shallondria: Crenshaw and Wilshire, over there by Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles.
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Fa real, I got folks down that way... Mayn-Mayn, Craig, Day-Day, Smokey, Deebo... you know any of them?
[Smart Guy's Sidebar: Why is it when people find out where you're from they ask if you know them? Does it look like I work for the Yellow Pages, my ninja?]
Shallondria: I know Smokey, he use to date my homegirl. She kinda look like Janet Jackson.
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Aw, she lookin that good?!! You gone have to bring her through next time you come see me!
Shallondria: that's straight, Mandingo - wanna see my booty clap?
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Yeah, lemme see what you workin' with!
Shallondria: OK, Mandingo - where that phat-azz bass track with some unknown rapper on it?
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Right, chere!

By this time, 20 minutes have elapsed! My attention span ain't that doggone long!

Let's use a White porn scene.

Anatomically Blessed White Man: Hey.
Anatomically Enhanced White Woman (you know those are implants): Hey. Lemme give you some oral lovin'.
Anatomically Blessed White Man: Sweet.

I love that.

Straight to the point.

Let's be real. I don't think anyone in these films is gonna be nominated for an Oscar anytime soon so let's get to gettin'! Dana said that those chicks overact all the time, with their fake screaming and panting. To quote her, a real chick knows a true orgasm is not pretty. I'll have to agree - we folks make some UGLY faces - lookin' like we caught a mouthful of poot on accident.

Because of the travesty of what we've been seeing on the screen, Daneezy and I have decided to write our own porn-o-rama; starring Princess Dana as Kandii Lippz and myself as Kang Dang-A-Lang.

Here is a small excerpt:
Kandii: The Royal Penis is clean, your Majesty.
Kang: Thank you, Kandii. I am bored. We should play a game.
Kandii: How about some chess? I love playing head games.
Kang: Chess, Kandii?!! I thinketh not. My game is checkers - so get your game face on and KANG ME!

Tune in as Kandii and the Kang ride out - literally.

To quote my good friend Pimp Hand Strong, it's Friday, folks; LET'S GET NEKKID or at least answer one of the following questions:

Do you watch flicks? Which ones?
Do you use them for support or for assistance?
Who would star in your on-line flick? Off-line?
What's your biggest fantasy?
What's your porn name?

That's my time, folks - have a great weekend. See you next week!

Mr. Smart Guy AKA Kang Dang-A-Lang™

Smart Music Mondays, Volume Twenty.

2009-08-24T11:31:00.002-05:00

Happy Monday, Folks!

It's been a minute but I'm gonna get you right...

Your weekend is about to come alive with the latest from BamaLoveSoul’s own DJ Rahdu. A musical experience that takes you from mood to mood as it grooves through the best in soul classics, nu soul, hip hop, broken beat, & funk. This week's podcast is from the Netherlands finest, Nicolay.

Click Here To Download

1. Foreign Exchange - All That You Are (Nicky Fagan's Eye Should Know Better Remix)
2. Strange Fruit Project - The Plague
3. I Plus I - Love.Life.Music (Nicolay Remix)
4. Little Brother - The Yo Yo (Nicolay Remix)
5. Nicolay - Nicolay's Steez
6. Daru & Rena - Take Your Hand
7. Nicolay & Kay - The Light
8. Common - I Gotta Right Ta (Nicolay Remix)
9. The Primeridian - Hang On (Nicolay Remix)
10. Foreign Exchange; Yahzarah; Darien Brockington - Something to Behold
11. Nicolay - The Sopranos
12. Havana - Tangled
13. Panacea - Pops Said (Nicolay Remix)
14. Nicolay & Supastition - The Williams
15. Tanya Morgan - 1st Date
16. Nicolay & Kay - Tight Eyes (AEON Remix)
17. Ilwil; Jameeze - So Far (Remix)
18. Foreign Exchange - Happiness
19. Roy Ayers - Funk In the Hole (Nicolay Remix)
20. Little Brother - Light It Up (Nicolay Remix)
21. Nicolay & Kay - Grand Theft auto Instrumental
Listen up when you get a chance....

While you're at it, feel free to vote for your favorite Mr. Smart Guy (if you feel so inclined) in the 2009 Black Weblog Awards. I have been nominated for 2 awards: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog...

I'm truly honored to be selected and I thank each and every person who looked out.

Click on the picture to vote!

In other news, my blog has been jacked by a good friend of mine whose hilarity usurps mine (quite easily actually). She is the author of numerous blogs/articles/scathing editorials, namely one of the funniest on these here innanets. Without further ado, my female partner in crime, Luvvie!

I'm not sure about you but I can't reminisce about my childhood without thinking about Walt Disney films. They were less cartoons, more animated movies and they served as the background to my childhood Not only were the films awesome with their Happily Ever After, but their characters resonated with adults as much as children.

Disney was definitely THE movie studio. But as good as the films were, the music they set to them were even more amazing. This is why I'm dedicating today's Smart Music Mondays to Disney films.

I picked these songs because they are the ones I find myself humming subconsciously. Or I know all the words. These are the most memorable Disney songs that were in their animated movies.

Top 10 Disney Songs (in no particular order)

1. Hakuna Matata - Lion King

2. A Whole New World - Aladdin

3. Circle of Life - Lion King

4. Beauty & the Beast

5. Under the Sea - Little Mermaid

6. Can you feel the Love Tonight - Lion King

7. Reflections - Mulan

8. Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas

9. You'll be in my Heart - Tarzan

10. Prince Ali - Aladdin

But, for THE BEST Disney movie Soundtrack, I'll have to obviously go with:

The Lion King - This is not only arguably the best Disney film in terms of storyline and cinematography, but it may have THE best soundtrack. I could have 5 out of the top 10 Disney songs ever come from this movie. Most folks know all the words to "Hakuna Matata" and I dare it to come on without you busting it out. "Circle of Life" was a dope introduction to the film and it set the stage. "Can you feel the love tonight" is one ultra sappy ballad ~~that's perfect for those who love douchebag music, like me~~ that touches my soul. Oh, and "I just can't wait to be King" was perfectly flashy ~~like a true African~~. My favorite part is when Simba goes "Everybody look left, everybody look right. Everywhere you look i'm standing in spotlight." He might as well have said "Wipe me Down."

Other songs I love: "He Lives in You", "Be Prepared"

Yeah, Lion King had the best soundtrack. If you disagree, you are wrong.

Honorable Mention:

The Little Mermaid - This is probably my second favorite Disney movie, with an equally bomb soundtrack. It may have to do with the hilarity that was Sebastian the crab. His smile bears a striking resemblance to mine, showing ALL the teefs. I also appreciated Triton, a character that reminded me of Poseidon from Greek Mythology (I'm a geek for it). This movie had some super catchy songs. "Under the Sea" is a good time put to song (I do a great impression of Sebastian singing it). The ballad of this film was "Kiss the Girl" which was like teenage dating anxiety set to song. iSwoon. All the song is missing is someone interjecting with "BOOM CHICKA WAH WAH". Ok, well, I guess that may not be appropriate for a kiddy flick.

Oh, and "Poor Unfortunate Souls" ~~is scary at me~~ is the perfect villain song. Ursula was perfectly evil! *Whispers* AM I the only one who thinks the muse for Ursula is Roseanne? *crickets* Fine. I'll stand alone. HMPH!

To round out the top 5 movie soundtracks, I'll say Aladdin, Beauty & the Beast and Pocahontas.

Yeah I'm pretty sure that Disney has a monopoly on my childhood. This reminds me. I must go download all of these songs to my iPod can sway with me. Just hope that I don't bust out a rousing rendition of "Hakuna Matata" while commuting on the bus o_O.

PEACE out folks! Happy Monday.

LuvBug loves Music

P.S. I have both versions of "A Whole New World" on my mp3 player. The movie version and the duet by Celine Dion and Peabo "Gumby" Bryson. I'm not 'shamed.

--
Luvvie's Blogs
*****************
Awesomely Luvvie - www.awesomelyluvvie.com

House of IG - www.igville.com

The Red Pump Project - www.theredpumpproject.com

Luvvie's Awesome T-Shirt Shop - http://luvvieig.spreadshirt.com

ALBUM OF THE WEEK

Click To Download

Smart Music Mondays, Nineteen.

2009-08-10T19:46:00.000-05:00

Your week is about to come alive with the latest from BamaLoveSoul’s own DJ Rahdu. A musical experience that takes you from mood to mood as it grooves through the best in soul classics, nu soul, hip hop, broken beat, & funk. This eclectic mix filled with trailblazing artists makes you think “damn, he’s playing all my favorite tracks… even though I’ve never heard them before.” The familiarity of each song pulls you into a zone of musical euphoria, and as you complete one genre and travel oh so smoothly to the next, you mentally experience all the flavors music has to offer. An inherent urge to hit the replay button upon each ending, will eventually make you aware that you my friend, have been Culture Shocked.

Click Here To Download

1. Vicki Anderson; Bobby Byrd - You’re welcome, Stop On By - Mother Popcorn - Vivid Sound

2. 9th Wonder instrumetal - CD-R

3. DJ Babu - Dee On - Beat Tape, Vol. 1 - Nature Sounds

4. Erykah Badu - The Healer - Nu Amerykah - Universal/Motown

5. Pete Rock; Leela James - No Tears - Soul Survivor 2 - Rapster

6. G&D - Time - Message Uni versa - Look

7. Coultrain - Lilac Tree - The Adventures of Seymour Liberty - Ju Ju Dust

8. Byron the Aquarius - Turn Back Time - CD-R

9. Sa-Ra; Rozzi Daime - So Special - The Hollywood Recordings - Babygrande

10 DJ Spinna - Starz - Compositions - Female Fun

11. Busta Rhymes - Woo-Hah! Got you All In Check! - the Coming - Elektra/WEA

12. Quantic Soul Orchestra - Raw Ingredients - Stampede - Tru Thoughts

13. The Bamboos; Tyra Hammond - Head In the Clouds - Rawville - Tru Thoughts

14. El Michels Affair - Detroit Think Twice - Sounding Out The City - PID

15. Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - How Long Do I Have to Wait For You (Ticklah Remix) - Daptone Records Remixed - Daptone Records

Listen up when you get a chance....

While you're at it, feel free to vote for your favorite Mr. Smart Guy (if you feel so inclined) in the 2009 Black Weblog Awards. He's a finalist for 2 awards: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog...

Click on the picture to vote!

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
IBTres - Honorable Mention

I got that Penny, holla if ya hear me, uhhh! I'm sorry there was no purpose to that last sentence, I just wanted to say it. But anyways, I'm back on My Two Cents with my $0.02 for Smart Music Mondays. This week's, Album of the Week is from my new favorite rapper. I know, it's a cliche to like rap what with the state of Hip-Hop and all, but, this chick is dope. Her name is IB3 or IBtres which stands for Ingrid Burley to the third power.

I stumbled upon her mixtape, Honorable Mention, a few months ago on Twitter, and I've been hooked to it ever since. She's like the female, suburban version of Jay-Z. I mean she's got a sassy swag, it's gangsta, but, it's feminine at the same time. And she raps like HOV would if he'd grown up in burbs of H-Town, TX. I guess, that's because, Jay is one of her biggest influences. She pays homage to her idol several times throughout the record and the product is totally dope. She does this specifically on Dead Presidents 07, and we all know the first one was a classic.

What I like best about her is that she keeps it "real". When I say real, I mean she talks about what is going on in her life, and where she is from. It is not simple snap & dance music to a hot beat, or boasting about your chains, your hoes, or your money, or all of the above. She raps about her friendships, how she likes to party, and laments about the current state of Hip-Hop.
Anyways, check the album, because, it's definitely worth an Honorable Mention in my book.

The Pen Has Spoken.

-LoudPen

Click To Download

The Stamp of Approval.

2009-08-06T11:10:00.001-05:00

What's up folks?

Long time, no write - I guess. I've been a bit busy lately so I apologize for not coming through sooner. I hope all has been good with you... but that's enough small talk - let's get to it. The other day, I received a call from a former ~~boo-thang~~ companion of mine. We did the general catching-up conversation; you know the one I'm talking about: "How are you? How's the family? What's new? ~~Can you still do that trick with your tongue?~~" - you know the regular mundane conversation when I realized it had been quite some time since I had been in a traditional relationship (i.e. the title/label/stamp of approval; one of those deals where you present one another as boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.).

It seems that I somehow ended up in a cycle of playing the part of boyfriend yet never truly accepting the role for various reasons. I can't explain what caused this in me (OK, I can but I can't divulge ALL the personal right now LOL) but what I have seen is that I'm not the only one. A lot of people today do this. They disguise it by hiding behind terms like "kickin' it" and "we're cool", knowing good and well if their "friend" was caught being "cordial" with somebody else, they'd be ready to go all Jazmine Sullivan on a knee grow, bustin' windows out of cars and whatnot.

(Smart Guy Sidebar: Why bust the windows? Cain't y'all just hug it out something? I mean, a scathing e-mail might work too... ~~leave the property damage to the headboard~~)

Sorry I've digressed - back to the lecture at hand.

These things definitely can lead to sticky situations (~~and not those enjoyable ones with the whipped cream and chocolate syrup~~) - yet people continue to embark on these fantastic journeys of whimsy, frolicking and mischievousness.

Why?

~~Beats the hell outta me.~~ I'm still trying to figure that one out.

The best I can assess is that people get comfortable and don't want to shake things up. I can honestly say that old adage "why buy the milk when you can get the milk free" rings true in a lot of situations. I mean, if you interact like a couple (i.e. co-habitate in each other's nether regions, come up with sappy nicknames or other sucrose inflected terms of endearment or place one another on speed dial); more than likely, you'll begin to believe that you are a couple.

Except you're not.

It's like being at a job for a good amount of time. You plug away diligently at your daily tasks, idly biding your time until the position you REALLY want, opens up. Your boss sees how great you are at doing what you're doing and expands your role. You begin to think to yourself - I'm about to achieve my goals, my dreams, I'm gonna make it!

[insert jazz hands]

Then reality hits. Your boss tells you that promotion isn't exactly an option right now and they can't pay you more but the company has noticed what a fine job you've done with the additional work so you get a solid pat on the back.

Your thoughts probably are: Eff yo praise. I want a raise.

Problem is, it's a recession so you can't just afford to quit a job for all intensive purposes, you actually like the majority of the time - so you stick around accruing back pats and other nominal fringe benefits, like ~~leering at the residual effects of the air conditioner on the females in the office~~, free pizza in the break room and staff jeans day.

People do the same thing in these quasi-relationships.

You hear the excuses all the time:
"Gurl, he love me. I know it's been 3 years. He just ain't ready yet."
"Dude, I don't care if her Myspace/Facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn/Friendster/BlackPlanet accounts say she single. That's me right there, pa'tna."

Hopefully, they'll get their stamp of approval before they decide to go postal.

That's my two cents.

Before you go, let me know about how you feel about titles. Do they really matter within a relationship?

While you're at it, feel free to vote for your favorite Mr. Smart Guy (if you feel so inclined) in the 2009 Black Weblog Awards. I have been selected as finalist for 2 awards: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog...

I'm truly honored to be selected and I thank each and every person who looked out.

Click on the picture to vote!

Smart Music Mondays, Uno Ocho.

2009-08-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

Happy ~~Monday~~ Tuesday, Folks!

It's been a minute but I'm gonna get you right...

Your weekend is about to come alive with the latest from BamaLoveSoul’s own DJ Rahdu. A musical experience that takes you from mood to mood as it grooves through the best in soul classics, nu soul, hip hop, broken beat, & funk. This eclectic mix filled with trailblazing artists makes you think “damn, he’s playing all my favorite tracks… even though I’ve never heard them before.” The familiarity of each song pulls you into a zone of musical euphoria, and as you complete one genre and travel oh so smoothly to the next, you mentally experience all the flavors music has to offer. An inherent urge to hit the replay button upon each ending, will eventually make you aware that you my friend, have been Culture Shocked.

Click Here To Download

1. FS Green - Preppy Lady
2. Michael Jackson - We’re Almost There (DJ Spinna Remix)
3. Regan Fykes - In Love
4. Jill Scott - I’m Not Afraid
5. Masirah - See the Light
6. Archie Bell - Harder & Harder
7. Lee Fields & The Expressions - Ladies
8. J-Live - Braggin Writes
9. DJ Spinna; John Robinson - Lights out
10. Dam Funk - On & On
11. Frank Nitt; DJ Quik; J Black - L.O.V.E
12. Pugs Atomz; Primeridian; Wes Restless - Get it on
13. Mayer Hawthorne - Little Boxes (Weeds intro)
14. Joy Jones - Go Down Moses (Funky Drummer)
15. James Brown - Funky Drummer
16. Nas - Get Down
17. Pac Div - No No
18. A Tribe Called Quest - Jam
19. Q-Tip - For The Nasty
20. Sa Ra - The Bone Song
21. Peter Hadar - Planets
22. Reggie B - Reclaim Ur Mind
23. GB - Dealer Dog
24. Shur-I-Kan - Autumn Leaves
25. Deborah Jordan - Home
26. Chin Chin - go There With You (Ticklah remix)
27. Part time Heroes - Sun Will Shine (scrimshire Remix)
28. Matinalsystem - Tu Voz Es La Musica
29. Afterlife - Sunfish
30. The Latin Project - Cant Get You Out of My Head
31. Chubb Rock; Wordsmith - Ol Skool Flava

Listen up when you get a chance....

While you're at it, feel free to vote for your favorite Mr. Smart Guy (if you feel so inclined) in the 2009 Black Weblog Awards. I have been nominated for 2 awards: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog...

I'm truly honored to be selected and I thank each and every person who looked out.

Click on the picture to vote!

Last but definitely not least I'd like to introduce a great musical mind to the stage. Hailing from the Love Below straight your Speakerboxxx, LoudPen is going wax poetic on a weekly basis about her point of view musically. I'd like you all to give a warm round of applause to her....

So, my main man Mr. Smart Guy asked me to let my loud pen holla on My Two Cents. I'll be doing music reviews via Smart Music and I'm excited to able to share my lovely opinion and cents. However, for my first review, I must admit the song didn't make me feel so smart. As you may or may not know, Lil Wayne has released a track called "Whip It Like a Slave". Upon hearing the track via YouTube, I realized that Lil Wayne had hit an all time low.

In the song, Lil Wayne compares making crack to whipping it like a slave. I'm sorry Lil Wayne, but, since when did slaves whip anybody? I must be like completely brain deficient, because, I thought it was the masters that did the whipping. And, I could've sworn that ish didn't feel good. Who in the world wants to be whipped? Every person that was ever spanked as a child, can usuallly decribe their worse whooping well into adulthood. Which is why I'm trying to figure out why Wayne thinks that this is a good metaphor. The memory of slavery is very painful, because of how it has affected black people and then to compare, the worst period of black history, with a product of the drug epidemic, ie. the black male drug dealer-turned-rapper who cooks crack is just...just...I don't know. My pen's losing ink.

I'm shocked by Lil Wayne's ability to simplify two of the worst epidemics to people of color, into the most mind numbingly stupid song, I've ever heard. I guess that what makes him *cough* *Looks around with disgust* the best rapper of alive. Anybody who can make hurtful stains of the past, and make them seem cool has to have some talent. I know it seems strange that I am both critiquing and complimenting, but, Lil Wayne does have the gift of rhyme. He simply chooses it to pass more idiocy around. And just when people were starting to respect Hip-Hop, because, of Pac, Jay, Nas, Biggie, here comes Lil Mosquito *clears throat* Wayne. All he talks about is his money, hoes, and clothes. However, unlike his predecessors he insists on glorifying a life style that can be gone in a minute. If you ain't killed by other hustlas, getting high on your own supply, you probably end up in jail.

And idiots like Wayne, make this seem cool. Just live the paranoid life of hustla, smoke weed with your boys, get these hoes, and make that money. Listen to Pac, Jay, Nas, Biggie, some old school Kane, Rakim, Cube and each one of them will tell you that ain't no way to live. Like Jay said, "We hustle out of a sense of hopelessness, sorta of a desperation, thru that desperation we become addicted, sorta like the fiends we accustomed to serving." - (Can I Live) But, Wayne insists on buzzing like the annoying little fly he is, alll in up in everyone's ear with that bzzz, bzzz, bzzz sound. Ugh, well I'm bout to get the fly swatter from off the top of the refrigerator and kill that fly once and for all.

And there it is. The Pen Has Spoken.

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Destiny's CHild: The Writing's on the Wall

This week's, album of the week, is The Writing's on the Wall by Destiny's Child. Yes, I chose an old school album such as this one, because, it is a classic and I just realized it this week. Before continuing, I must announce that I am a certified Sasha Fierce Support Representative, so the Queen is just that in my eyes. So there is no need for "Beyonce` kicked those girls out of the group" type comments, because, I am uncocerned with age old gossip that no one can prove.

Anyways, this album begins with Destiny's Child talking to the Godfather about the rules and regulations of relationships. In case you didn't notice, each member of the group is announced followed by an Italian last name. This is important, because, in the Italian Mafia there were four main families in power and they each came from different parts of Italy. Each family was a representative of where they came from. It is during this introduction, that the Godfather decides that everyone should follow Destiny's Child commandments in order to avoid drama in relationships.

Throughout the album, each commandment is introduced before the song, and the song always deals with the commandment directly. For instance, before "So Good" the commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Hate". In essence, the song "So Good" is about how D.C. had to deal with haters upon achieving their initial success as a group. The album continues to move throughout the commandments and touches on all kinds or relationships. "Bills, Bills, Bills" deals with the lazy boyfriend, while "If You Leave" deals with a couple who is falling in love, but, unsure of their love, because, they are both currently stuck in bad relationships.
Essentially, this album is just that, essential. If you didn't cop it back in '98, then, you need to cop it now. And if you lost your copy, re-buy it. You might just find that Bey's a better songwriter than you think, cause, you have to keep in mind she was like 17 or 18 when this album dropped and she already had some serious insight on relationships. From now on, I'm following the Writings on the Wall..who's with me?

And there it is. The Pen Has Spoken.
-LoudPen

Click To Download

the first date.

2009-07-17T15:38:00.000-05:00

Question
Can your smile, lead to my hello
and my hello, lead to a first date
and a first date lead to a can't wait
to do it again
ain't no pressure
we can't just let love develop
- dwele

There's nothing quite like a first date.

Hell, you deserve it.

You've accomplished a great feat not looking like a jackass in your initial encounter with that special someone ~~(Thank the Lord for wingmen, alcohol and lowered inhibitions).~~

You advanced to stage two: getting the digits. You even came up with something clever and charming to say on the phone. You begin to think you might have found someone you have something in common with. (Granted, the only thing you may have in common is that you were both at the same place at the same time but that's neither here nor there.) You find them appealing, at least. They're intrigued enough that they are actually willing to spend a major part of their evening in your company.

Then it hits you - [cue harps and light shining down upon you] -
This might be the great love of your life... [cue Randy Watson singing The Greatest Love of All].

Don't blow it....

One should know that the first date is significant, especially if you want a second date. Forget what people say about first impressions, they're easy. Don't drool, check the breath and try not to be condescending. Anybody can do that. Now you've got to pull it off for a whole night. And there's a lot that goes into it.

First off, you have to clean yourself up. Hopefully, this is a no-brainer. If you actually show up for a date after an hour of cleaning out the garage or wallowing in mud puddles, I can't help you. If this is you; stop reading now, and go run outside into oncoming traffic.

You have to wash your body, including behind the ears and down in the nether regions ~~(nobody wants to smell the "inner" you)~~. You have to smell nice (but don’t use the whole damn bottle). Make sure you’re wearing a nice outfit, also. You want to look casual, but not TOO laid-back. You want to be comfortable, but not TOO nonchalant. You don’t have to look like you’re runway material, either, but you have to try and look like you haven’t been sleeping on some park bench for 3 weeks straight.

See what I mean? This preparation is intense, and you haven't even left the driveway yet.

While we're on the subject, where do you go on a first date? Good question. Movies are bad, unless accompanied by dinner. Why? Because all you do is sit in the dark for two hours, and if you try to talk, people throw things at you and shine flashlights in your faces. Clubs are bad, too, because you can't hear what your date is saying over Lil Jon and those dudes with the white tees. A walk is cool, especially in the spring or summer, but unless you're walking to a restaurant, it can just make you seem cheap. With all that being said, your best bet is a meal of some sort. This is good for a few reasons:

* You can see what your date's tastes in cuisine are (and if they chew food like Flavor Flav at Red Lobster).

* You can see how they interact with others. Sure, they're all nice with you, but is he a bastard to the waiter? Is she a bitch to the valet parking guy? These are things you need to note, because they show up for you around the fourth date (or worse, after you're serious).

* You can talk when you want to, and eat real fast when you have nothing noteworthy to say at the moment.

Now, after hours of wardrobe changes, and meeting up with your date, you're ready to hit the town. Now, you have to be yourself (not Morris Chestnut's 2nd cousin through marriage or the 3rd runner-up on America’s Next Top Model). [DISCLAIMER: this is not an avenue to show him your stuffed animal collection or show her your collage of used liquor bottles. There are some things folks need to be eased into.]

Don’t be phony, don’t tell lies or make up stories. Sure, it makes you both seem terribly interesting. But if you two get serious, the truth will inevitably come out. And do you really want to lose someone because you told them you were a background dancer in some BET Uncut video? On the other hand, do you really want to stay with someone who BELIEVED you? I digress.

By this point, you're probably both apprehensive, covered with sweat, petrified; wondering if he/she is actually digging you and unconsciously trying to figure out if you’ve got white stuff on the corners of your mouth. You may be wondering how you got yourself into this mess. You also may be planning to escape when he or she goes to the bathroom, and willing to accept a life of living alone with Auntie Elsie (and her disturbing collection of elephant figurines), because dating is too hard.

You’re sitting there thinking: what the hell do I do now? I’ll tell you – be cool, Ice Cold.
Sit back.
Relax; this is supposed to be fun.

Why?
Because she doesn’t know that you have on mismatched socks and that you wear pajamas with the feet sown in - and he doesn't know that you fart when you’re nervous.

But if they didn't want to know, they wouldn't be here with you (with you both shaking like a salt-shaker).

That's my time and my two cents.

In the meantime, hit me up some first date stories (successes and disasters) of yours.

Smart Music Mondays, 17.

2009-07-13T15:36:00.003-05:00

Happy Monday, Folks!

Hope all is well...

Back in the groove of things once again and with that, I present an all new ill mix from DJ Rahdu!

BLS iTunes Shuffle: Dew.in.is (Compilation)

Listen up when you get a chance....

Click To Download or Right Click And Hit Save As

While you're at it, feel free to vote for your favorite Mr. Smart Guy (if you feel so inclined) in the 2009 Black Weblog Awards.
Click on the picture to vote!

ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Sade - The Best of Sade

I won't even do this album justice by trying to review it. It's a masterpiece...

If you like mellow R&B/jazz, you'll love this.

Get ready to groove...

My Personal Picks.
Cherish The Day
Nothing Can Come Between Us

Tracklisting and joints after the jump.

TRACKLIST
1. Your Love Is King
2. Hang On To Your Love
3. Smooth Operator
4. Jezebel
5. The Sweetest Taboo
6. Is It A Crime
7. Never As Good As The First Time
8. Love Is Stronger Than Pride
9. Paradise
10. Nothing Can Come Between Us
11. No Ordinary Love
12. Like A Tattoo
13. Kiss Of Life
14. Please Send Me Someone To Love
15. Cherish The Day
16. Pearls

ENJOY!

Click To Download

A Time Out on Time Out.

2009-07-09T13:06:00.005-05:00

What’s up, everybody? Hope your week has gone well thus far; mine has been a bit up and down due to allergies and whatnot but I'm maintaining. It's not all bad as to keep my sanity, I’ve been writing and getting reacquainted with my old friend, television. It's been awhile ~~OK, last night~~ since I flipped on the ol’ tube but I’ve been making up for lost time (let’s just say – my electric bill just got a little higher).

Nevertheless, while channel-surfing; I ended up watching Good Times... who just happened to be home to the happiest people in the ghetto, the Evans family. These folks were always so daggone cheerful, cracking jokes and whatnot.

Did they not realize they were in the projects in the middle of Chicago?!!!

This is the city where I was born and raised for the 17 years of my life and every time I've had the ~~misfortune of~~ the opportunity to ~~speeding quickly through there~~ be in the area, the only time I saw smiles was from the semi-nude drunk vagrant singing to himself in front of the fiery garbage can.

I'm digressing – so I’ll get back on track.

This particular episode, cast a not-quite-nasty yet Janet Jackson as Penny, the precocious little neighbor - who was getting ~~the brakes beat off her~~ reprimanded by her mother for lying (and for really just being born). She ended up getting saved from this madness by the Department of Children and Family Services (and Willona, the next-door neighbor who never stayed at her own damn apartment).

I know this makes me sound really slow, but when did ass-whippin' become a crime?

So what Penny’s mother used an iron to prove her point?
You call it abuse, I call it productive.

I bet you one thing: Lil' Penny was REAL slow to tell another fib!

Society has cast upon us the thought that it’s wrong to spank your child and it can mess up their psyche. Forget that nonsense – time-outs are for sporting events only, not for ornery rugrats. In the words of DJay (from the illustrious cinematic feature Hustle and Flow): whoop that trick!

I was raised under the adage: spare the rod, spoil the child. Mama Sharon used to lay those hands on me whenever I thought about getting out of line. She even had a look. She would scrunch up her face real tight (like she was constipated); bring her eyes to the tiniest of slits and bite the insides of her cheeks. I swear that look caused me ~~instant diarrhea~~ a lot of stress from the fear it would instill in me.

I figure it was that way for most parents back then: after THAT look came into play - playtime was over.

The scenario:
They would talk to you for some ungodly amount of time, telling you how wrong you were and how they were doing this because they loved you. Personally, I think this was to soften the kid up for the kill. When they finished the lecture, they would always end it with these words: THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU.

My thought was: OK, how about we trade places then? I couldn't have on my conscience for you to be hurting like that.

This would end up with the kid, crying a river of tears, snot and drool and rubbing their sore butt.

Nowadays, these brats contemplate turning in their folks in to the child abuse services (you know the hotline trying to help kids out of beatings nationwide). I almost called those folks on Mama Sharon once – but I swear I heard her yell out to me: "I'll give you a REAL reason to call those folks if you even THINK about making that call!"

All jokes aside, I appreciated the "tough love". I think I turned to be mostly normal (although I’m still a little swollen on the backside), well, at least, I’m not TOO crazy.

Let me know about discipline was handled while you were growing up and you plan on discipling/currently discipline your children.

Thanks for listening to me ramble – that's my two cents. See you next time!