Friday, February 24, 2006

The Best Month --- Ever! (February Edition)

Better late than never!
The Speak™ Family proudly brings you an informative news
wrap-up of this month's most insane current events!
A collaborative effort of JorgeMateo, Pimp Hand Strong & Brittastic

The Best Month --- Ever! (February Edition)

Bush Gets Punk’d in the A-T-L

While America bid a somber farewell to the first lady of the Civil Rights movement, our fair President acted as an ambassador of good will and journeyed to Atlanta, Georgia this past month to say a few words on behalf of the White House to honor Coretta Scott King. Aside from his overly showy “We are the world,” comments Bush did respectfully pay tribute to a woman that helped highlight the plight of minorities everywhere.

Unfortunately for G Dub, some of the other speakers weren’t as keen on being politically correct. With comments such as, “We know, now, that there were no weapons of mass destruction over there [in Iraq], but Coretta knew and we know that there are weapons of misdirection right down here,” and allusions to the Bush administration's eavesdropping program, the sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina in mostly black New Orleans and disagreement and some speakers outright opposing the ongoing war in Iraq, the funeral at times sounded like a political rally. Poor Bush tried to keep his head up like a good little soldier but eventually his stoic façade gave way to looks of utter confusion, then embarrassment.

Though I tuned in for the touching remembrance of Ms. King, watching Bush become as uncomfortable as he obviously was, was definitely an added bonus. - Britt

Kanye West: A Fashion Guru of Our Generation

February is a month full of Awards Show glitz and glamour. From the Oscars, to the SAG Awards all the way up to the Grammy’s, stars have ample opportunities to shine and put their fashion mark on America. No one took this responsibility more seriously than Chicago Hip Hop ingénue Kanye West. While West has long vented his frustration with not being named Best New Artist in 2005, he was determined to steal the show at this year’s Grammy’s whether he won honors or not.

In a get-up that only be described as concocted straight from the mind of Det. Sonny Crockett, Kanye first walked the red carpet in a red & black vintage 1987 Miami Vice throw-back ensemble, complete with bared chest, customary taco meat (those nappy curls above his nipples) and wrap around Blu Blockers. While his date showed off her knowledge of all things cotour, West thought it best to show that in LA’s 90 degree heat, black leather driving gloves were still acceptable. The fashion show didn’t stop there, as he stepped out for the evening after parties, Kanye dazzled his entertainment industry brethren, in a lavender and white 3 piece tuxedo. The glare from his shiny patent leather slip-ons did nothing to detract from his overwhelming personality as Kanye wiggled his finger in the face of all naysayers who said he’d never be shown Grammy love.

Despite his outlandish tactics, the Speak Family gives a big fashion shout out to Kanyizzle during this Best Month Ever. I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly for the day I die, I'mma touch the sky... -Britt

That’s Just My Baby Daddy

Where can you go to watch a 37-year old woman seduce a boy 22 years her junior? Kentucky? Nope. Tennessee? Guess again (though, that one should probably count for half-credit). Georgia!

This month, America met Lisa Clark, a Mary Kay Letourneau wannabe, that fell in love with her teenaged son’s best friend and then became pregnant by him. If that doesn’t sound like fun enough, the loving twosome then went on to seek out a marriage license by tracking down a retired Atlanta judge at his home and begging him to marry them in his driveway (to which he obliged). In Georgia, by the way, if the wife-to-be is pregnant there is no age limit for either party, according to Georgia State lawmaker, Karla Drenner, “...if you're pregnant, you can get married — and it doesn't matter if you're 9 years old or 10 years old.” Um, okay, am I the only one that finds that disturbing?

The honeymoon was cut short, however, when authorities got wind of the case and arrested Clark for engaging in sexual relations with a minor. Her 15-year old husband, for fear of being sent to a juvenile detention center, fled the state and was only recently found living with a family in Ohio.

I was so touched by the story I debated sending a gift to the happy couple, unfortunately, I couldn’t decide between a gift certificate to Babies R Us for the mother & newborn or one to Toys R Us for the father. - Britt

Candidate Admits He Was a Prostitute
“got a bill in my mouth like I’m Hillary Rodham”…

Tom Malin, a man running for state representative in Austin acknowledged that he once worked as a prostitute but said he's turned his life around and doesn't regret his past. Malin said he's been sober for 13 years after being addicted to alcohol and suffering an abusive childhood. Malin, who has also sold Mary Kay cosmetics and now markets electricity, conceded that his illicit past could cost him the nomination in the March 7 Democratic primary. "I've made mistakes in my life, and I've stood before my creator and I've accepted responsibility for my behavior," Malin said in Friday's Dallas Morning News.

I’ve heard of representatives serving their people but this is ridiculous. Don’t be surprised if you hear that he’s also been droppin’ like it’s hot at the monthly Senate meetings… Oh well, at least you know he’s willing to go the extra mile for his constituents. - Jorge

A Shot in the Face From Dick

If you haven’t already heard (because you live in a bubble), YOUR vice president, Dick Cheney, shoot some old guy in the face with a shotgun while quail hunting. Allow me to be the first to formally say, “What the f**k?” First of all, neither me nor anyone who looks like me (if you catch my drift) could shoot a rat with a pellet gun without getting some jail time. But this Dick, oops, I mean “But Dick” shot a guy with a real gun, and he’s somewhere chillin’. Nobody was arrested, and there will be no trial. He says it was accidental. I’m not sure that I believe that one. So called “accidental” quail hunting shootings might be him and Bushy-Boy’s solution to the country’s social security problem.

Remember back in the 90’s when there was a 2-night made for TV movie for every major or controversial thing that went on in the news? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss those movies at all, but it would be funny to see one about this story. It’d have some gangsta title like “Bangin’ in Texas”, and there would be a picture of him and Bush on horses with cowboy hats on and shotguns. Because that’s a hell-uv-a-lot more scary than some guys with bandanas around their faces to me. I’m glad the old guy didn’t die though. I hope he doesn’t go hunting with Cheney again. Anyways, if any of you are hunters and you get invited to go quail hunting with Tricky-Dick Cheney, JUST SAY NO. And if you do decide to go, I hope you know how to duck (no pun intended). “Bangin’ in Texas”, coming to a TV near YOU. - Pimp Hand Strong -

Anatomy 101

A Carroll County, Georgia mother is accusing one of the teachers at her son's elementary school of having inappropriate physical contact with her son, having him lick the teacher's toes in exchange for candy. The mother says she discovered what happened on Friday, when she saw a note, bearing the teacher's name in the signature, written in her 10-year-old son's school yearbook. She says her son, a student at Temple Elementary School, then described inappropriate physical contact this past February with teacher Jody Kilpatrick in front of a dozen other children. "He said that [the teacher] says, 'Well, everybody else has candy. And if you lick my toes, you can have some candy,' And I said, 'Are you sure that's what you [heard?]'" Strozier said. "He said, 'Yes, ma'am, all my friends were there and I licked her toes, and I got candy.'"

Where were the teachers like this at my elementary school? A dude like me would have had straight A’s. Like your toes? Is that it? I’d be sucking those buddies like Tyrone Biggums on the pipe… you need me to buff them when I’m done… you got it, Miss Teacher… These parents just don’t understand, that teacher is merely nurturing their children – that’s why these kids of tomorrow are going to be EXTRA special… - Jorge

Me Against The World

Suge Knight, notorious record producer and founder of Death Row Records, is suing the drug dealer who allegedly helped him start the label. He was also seen walking up to the man, bitch-slapping him with a white glove, and challenging him to a duel. What in the hell?. Uhm, excuse me, Mr. Drug Dealer Man? What’s crackin’, pimperish? Let’s try and handle this situation amicably… If I were you, Sugar Suge, I'd have someone else start my car …forever. Wessssttttttttttsssssssssiiiiiideeeeeeee!!!
– Jorge

Dave Chappelle Appears on Oprah

Dave Chappelle showed up on the Oprah Winfrey Show on February 3rd. I, for one, was glad to see Dave. He finally got a chance to defend himself against all of the speculation that had been in the news over the past year. The show was full of funny yet somewhat moving highlights. Dave mentioned how he felt like he was “selling out” when some guy at a taping seemed to be laughing “at” him instead of “with” him. He discussed his trip to South Africa, where he claims to have gone to “visit some family friends.” Hey, I believe him (mainly because I want to). He even called out his writing partner and ex-homie, Neal Brennan, for fueling rumors of Dave’s “loosing it”. But the funniest moment of the show, for me, had to be when Oprah showed the clip of the Chappelle’s Show episode where Dave got Oprah pregnant. There was an uncomfortable funniness as Dave had to watch the clip while Oprah watched him. I couldn’t help but to feel like Dave thought Oprah was going to slap him. He played it cool though. And Oprah seemingly laughed it off.

Dave conveniently resurfaced a month before his block party movie is supposed to hit theaters. Way to go, Dave. Let “the man” over at Comedy Central know that you run thangz. - Pimp Hand Strong

Mariah Carey, How Do You Cram All That Gram?

Has anybody seen Mariah lately? Of course you have, you couldn’t miss her. Mariah Carey has been a staple at every award show, tribute show, and interview that I’ve seen this month. I can’t keep quiet about it any longer. Damnit, Mariah is getting’ big. Now, I’m not saying she’s getting fat. And I’m all for a woman “curving up”. I likes mine thick. As they say, “more cushion for the pushin”. But, if you’re swelling up like a Ball Park® frank, don’t insist on wearing dresses that have to be built onto your body while you’re back stage before the show. The criticism is kinda hypocritical of me since I can’t seem to unglue my eyes from the TV when she has on one of those skin-tight numbers. But I had to say something. So, Mariah, I’m glad you’re back on the scene, and I hope you keep wearing as little as possible for the fellas and my entertainment. But if you’re going to continue to act like you have so much more class than most other female R&B artists, you’re going to have to put some clothes on that fit. - Pimp Hand Strong

The Speak Family has spoken... we'll be back next week... until then, have a good weekend.

Brittastic, Jorge Mateo, Pimp Hand Strong...

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