Thursday, February 16, 2006

the first date.

Can your smile, lead to my hello
and my hello, lead to a first date
and a first date lead to a can't wait
to do it again
ain't no pressure
we can't just let love develop
- dwele

There's nothing quite like a first date.
Hell, you deserve it. You've accomplished a great feat not looking like a jackass in your first encounter with that special someone. (Thank the Lord for wingmen, alcohol and lowered inhibitions). You advanced to stage two: getting the digits. You even came up with something clever and charming to say on the phone. You begin to think you might have found someone you have something in common with. (Granted, the only thing you may have in common is that you were both at the same club but that's neither here nor there.) You find them appealing, at least. You are intrigued enough that you're actually willing to spend a major part of your evening in their company.

Then it hits you - [cue harps and light shining down upon you] -
This might be the great love of your life... [cue Randy Watson singing The Greatest Love of All].
Don't blow it....

One should know that the first date is significant, especially if you want a second date. Forget what people say about first impressions, they’re easy. Don’t drool, check the breath and try not to be condescending. Anybody can do that. Now you've got to pull it off for a whole night. And there's a lot that goes into it.

First off, you have to clean yourself up. Hopefully, this is a no-brainer. If you actually show up for a date after an hour of cleaning out the garage or wallowing in mud puddles, I can't help you. If this is you; stop reading now, and go run outside into oncoming traffic.

You have to wash your body, including behind the ears and down in the nether regions (nobody wants to smell the “inner” you). You have to smell nice (but don’t use the whole damn bottle). Make sure you’re wearing a nice outfit, also. You want to look casual, but not TOO laidback. You want to be comfortable, but not TOO nonchalant. You don’t have to look like you’re runway material, either, but you have to try and look like you haven’t been sleeping on some park bench for 3 weeks straight.

See what I mean? This preparation is intense, and you haven't even left the driveway yet.

While we're on the subject, where do you go on a first date? Good question. Movies are bad, unless accompanied by dinner. Why? Because all you do is sit in the dark for two hours, and if you try to talk, people throw things at you and shine flashlights in your faces. Clubs are bad, too, because you can't hear what your date is saying over Lil Jon and those dudes with the white tees. A walk is cool, especially in the spring or summer, but unless you're walking to a restaurant, it can just make you seem cheap. With all that being said, your best bet is a meal of some sort. This is good for a few reasons:

  • You can see what your date's tastes in cuisine are (and if they chew food like Flavor Flav at Red Lobster).
  • You can see how they interact with others. Sure, they're all nice with you, but is he a bastard to the waiter? Is she a bitch to the valet parking guy? These are things you need to note, because they show up for you around the fourth date (or worse, after you're serious).
  • You can talk when you want to, and eat real fast when you have nothing noteworthy to say at the moment.

Now, after hours of wardrobe changes, and meeting up with your date, you're ready to hit the town. Now, you have to be yourself (not Morris Chestnut’s 3rd cousin separated or the 3rd runner-up on America’s Next Top Model). [DISCLAIMER: this is not an avenue to show him your stuffed animal collection or show her your collage of used liquor bottles. There are some things folks need to be eased into.]

Don’t be phony, don’t tell lies or make up stories. Sure, it makes you both seem terribly interesting. But if you two get serious, the truth will inevitably come out. And do you really want to lose someone because you told them you were a background dancer in some BET Uncut video? On the other hand, do you really want to stay with someone who BELIEVED you? I digress.

By this point, you're probably both apprehensive, covered with sweat, petrified; wondering if he/she is actually digging you and unconsciously trying to figure out if you’ve got white stuff on the corners of your mouth. You may be wondering how you got yourself into this mess. You also may be planning to escape when he or she goes to the bathroom, and willing to accept a life of living alone with Auntie Elsie (and her disturbing collection of elephant figurines), because dating is too hard.

You’re sitting there thinking: what the hell do I do now? I’ll tell you – be cool, Ice Cold. Sit back. Relax; this is supposed to be fun. Why? Because she doesn’t know that you have on mismatched socks and that you wear pajamas with the feet sown in - and he doesn't know that you fart when you’re nervous.

But if they didn't want to know, they wouldn't be here with you (with you both shaking like epileptic Kappas).

That’s my time, hit you up tomorrow…

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