Thursday, October 08, 2009


Good afternoon, everyone. I hope you all are well. I'm maintaining - for the most part. I've spent most of my day in boredom as all of the electricity went out in my building. Apparently, a surge protector wasn't on  the list of must need things and we all caught more L's than Cool James. Fortunately, with all of the free time I came into, it afforded me enough time to reminisce on various situations (especially those in college), namely those that caused me to feel really old all of a sudden.

Ah, the glory days of hormones, creased jeans and dolla holla parties in a gym that was hotter than two portly people in long johns having sex in a sauna.


Smart Guy Sidebar: Let me first preface this; during those days, my crew and I were so head-strong, confident --- and plain old ig'nant - because some of the things that we did bordered on pure and unadulterated stupidity.

My junior year of college, I tried to date several people at once. While this may seem normal to some, it was extremely out of the ordinary for me. For the longest time, I was in my serial monogamist mode - so for me to be with multiple indiviuals was very strange. I was still seeing my on-and-off ex-girlfriend of several years, RoundtheWayGirl, and talking other co-eds on the campus. One night after whispering long-distance sweet nothings in my former boo's ear, we arranged a visit for her to come and see me for a couple of days.

After setting the plan in motion, I soon realized that I had spread myself too thin. At the time, several females vying for my attention during the same time of the visit. Woe was me. What was I to do?

INNER VOICE: What they don't know won't hurt them....

Everything was set. I would entertain RoundtheWayGirl for a couple of days and set apart some quality time for the other girls once she left. I had to think of something that would allow me to not have to worry about any unexpected surprises in the meantime.

There are certain things one has to know when practicing deception... and apparently, young Smart Guy didn't get that memo.

Rule #1: A Lie Will Always Come Back To Bite You In Your Ass.
I told Midwest Swang AKA Girl #1 that I was sick and I couldn't spend time with for fear she might get infected.
I told Southern Smoke AKA Girl #2  that I had several tests upcoming and I would be spending most of my time studying over the weekend.
I can't remember what I told Girl #3 or her whimsical nickname - but it was some BS, too. All in all, it was all dumb - but it wouldn't much of a story if I was smart at the time - but I digress.

The days passed and RoundtheWayGirl arrived at the airport. Things were good. I took her to her room (I stayed in an all-male dorm, so she couldn't stay with me) to get settled and then we went spent some time together. We were having a good time and all was good - until...

Rule #2: Never Get Too Full of Yourself
While I was enjoying my time with RoundtheWayGirl, I decided that she wasn't enough for me at the time - and I wanted more time with one of the other ladies. I created a situation that allowed me to leave RoundtheWayGirl in her hotel - and immediately rushed to see Southern Smoke. Big mistake. Time sped through the day faster than a Taco Bell burrito through someone's digestive system. Next thing you know, I've been gone for several hours and my cell is ringing off the hook. Damn, homie - what were you thinking?

I rushed back to RoundtheWayGirl and began to profusely apologize for losing track of time and promised to make it up to her. We ended deciding to go to the mall to shop our troubles away. We jump into my beaten-up, piece of junk, I need to be pimped by Xzibit ride and head off. All of sudden, the smell of something burning began wafting in the air and my engine starting making noises that an engine should never make.

My friggin' engine has blown on the middle of the expressway. Hoorah.

Distraught, I have my car towed back to the dorm - and all the while, RoundtheWayGirl is in my ear, telling me that she should have never come to see me. We go in the dorm, both scowling, and sign her into the book and proceed upstairs. This was beginning to take a turn for the worst but we only had a couple of hours left until her plane departed. It couldn't get any worse, could it?

Rule #3: Always expect the worst.
Right about that time, my phone started ringing several times and I refused to answer it. Immediately, RoundtheWayGirl got suspicious.

RoundtheWayGirl: Um, why ain't you pickin' up the phone?
Smart Guy: Um. Cuz.
Smart Guy's Inner Thoughts: Why didn't you pick up the phone, jackass?

All of sudden, there were several knocks at my door. I looked out of the peephole and noticed several enraged women, demanding immediate entrance.

RoundtheWayGirl: Um, why are all these chicks outside your door, Smart Guy?
Smart Guy: Um. Cuz.
Smart Guy's Inner Thoughts: Whatever you do, don't open the cotdam door.

Apparently, Midwest Swing decided to bring me some soup (because I was ill with a mild case of Anthrax - at the time it sounded good) and when she arrived at the dorm, she noticed that a female was signed under my name. Upon that revelation, she rushed back to her place, crying profusely. Her friends learned of this "indiscretion" against her - and vowed to avenge her honor - at my expense... now, this herd of estrogen is outside my door, waiting to snap me like a Slim Jim. Meanwhile, I'm wishing I was somewhere else other than this spot. RoundtheWayGirl is carving me up with her eyes, demanding to know what the hell is going on and the chants are getting louder and louder. If I can recollect, I think a single tear dropped, symbolizing how alone I was about to be. I can hear Ron Isley singing this to me:

Go upstairs (Busted),
Pack your bags (Cuz you busted),
While you at it (Busted),
Call a cab (Cuz you busted),
It's obvious (Busted),
You played around (Cuz you busted),
Go upstairs and get your s---
and get the f--- up out of here now.

Needless to say, things didn't turn out well. Not only did I lose the two directly involved in the event, but everyone else on campus found out what happened, including the other girls I was seeing. #FAIL.

That ordeal taught me so many lessons:

1) Don't do that.
2) Don't do that again.
3) Don't do that again - ever.

Otherwise, you'll end up looking like this:

Hit me up - let me know if you know of or heard of anyone (including yourself) that has been in that situation. I just don't wanna be the only one.

That's my time.

Have a great weekend!

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