Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Oh-No-No's.

*dusts off keyboard*
*cracks knuckles*
*does rigorous calisthenics*

What's good folks?
Seems I've been away for a while.

*begs for forgiveness*

I'm back now though!

*cue cheering*

Enough with the pleasantries, let's get down to business.

The other evening, I was catching on the shows I've missed on the DVR and I came across a recent episode of Parks and Recreation (AKA the funniest show on television right now). In it, Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari) is currently dating Ann Perkins (Rashida Jones) and he finds out some unpleasant things about her that he didn't realize previous to the conception of their relationship.

Cue the clip below:

For those who can't see the clip (or those who just want me to hurry up and get to the point), Tom find out that Ann has committed an OHNONO, which is something that is grounds for dismissal in a relationship. While Tom's OHNONO's are hilarious, it got me to thinking about what would be OHNONO's in my relationship.

I'm a pretty open guy but I'd have to say the following things would be a cue for you to Get Gone (shout out to Ideal).

1. Poor hygiene.
If you smell like bathe in booty juice, chances are we won't last very long. Call me a stickler but the Eau de Outhouse is not pleasurable for me.

2. Facial hair.
If you look more like Rick Ross than Diana Ross, that's gonna be a problem for the kid. I can't have a woman who has more facial hair than me.

3. You've never seen Coming to America or you do not enjoy it immensely.
Smite yourself.

4. You don't immediately jump up and dance when Ain't My Type comes on.

Yes, I'm dancing right now to it.

5. If you don't let me watch sports, surf the Net or get on the 360.
I promise to let relinquish control of the remote (even for reality TV) all other days of the week if you don't bother me during MY time. If you do, curtains for you.

6. You talk bad to or about my mama.
Them is fighting words and I'm not cut out for the orange jumpsuit.

7. Not having a bank account (if you're over 25).
You're grown, act like it. Rush Cards are not the way to go.

8. Writing or texting in all caps.

9. Letting your friends or family control our love life.
This is between us, not Nika, Tay Tay or Jontynise. Just sayin'.

10. If you have no idea about current events.
If you have no idea about what's going on around you, how will you give any damns about us?

That's just a few of my OHNONOs - tell me some of yours or some that have been set for you.

That's my time.
- Mr. Smart Guy

Monday, August 22, 2011

1nce Again...

What's up, folks? I was in the area so I decided to drop off a little blog to ya... like to hear it, here it goes!

It's funny how things change. The person of your dreams could be the main one starring in your nightmares. What starts well may go up in flames - but that's just a part of life. Recently, I spoke to a friend of mine and they were telling me about the demise of their relationship. Seems that when they got involved - they couldn't get enough of one another. One would begin a sentence and the other would finish it. It was destiny. Friends who become lovers who become one another. A match made in heaven tied up by the strings of commitment.

It was all a beautiful story until the wheels fell off their caravan of love.
She started to nag him like it was her full-time job. 
He started to neglect her because of the nagging. 
She started to resent him because she had to nag him to do anything. 
He started to resent her because she didn't believe in him to do anything.
Pretty soon, they're arguing about who in the hell left the front gate open.

Next thing you know - they're dividing up who gets to keep what things out of the stuff they purchased together.

By the end of an ordeal like that, you can feel like the loneliest person in the world. It might seem fathomable to you in the midst of your struggles but we all go through breakups. They can be rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. Nonetheless, you gotta do what you gotta do and move on.

Some people don't really know how to do that. I can't say that I'm an expert at the subject but I've been a part of a few break-ups in my 30 years on this earth so I'm here to give some tips on driving your U-Haul truck o' lovin back in the right direction.

Keep your distance. 
Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no instant messaging, and most importantly, no sleeping together- because spooning can lead to forking.

Talk to your friends. 
Tell them about what a lowdown sleaze-bucket he or she was and how you were a saint. They'll belittle that person and you'll get a few laughs (and maybe a few drinks) at their expense. A win-win situation!

Find happiness in other areas of your life. 
Whether that means spending time with your friends, taking up that class you've always wanted to take, or eating up all the groceries in the fridge, remind yourself that there's more to life than being in a relationship. Indulge in those things. As they say, the best revenge is living well.

Let go.
See that there is no sense in still being heartbroken, regretful, and harboring hatred toward that person. Realize that although your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways, congratulate yourself for being able to be in something meaningful (as there are a lot of people who can't even get a date) and be encouraged that even though it didn't work out this time, there will be a next time - and last but not least...

Sleep around.
Find various pieces of tail to compensate for the void in your heart by leaving a wet spot in your sheets. Ok, just kidding. This is the last thing you should ever do. Although I hope you're never in this situation; if you do find yourself in this predicament - take heed of my always sage advice and make sure you make the next one, the best one.

That's my time.

Before you go - tell me your thoughts, advice, stories.... on break-ups.
Have a good week - and I'll see you soon...

- Mr. Smart Guy

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. IX: A Letter to My Unborn Daughter

Listening to Jay-Z and Kanye on the way to work, I came across the track “New Day”. Jay and Kanye are rapping to their unborn sons about their hopes and dreams and apologies for them. While this song is dope in its own right, why couldn’t they write to their unborn daughters? Of course, being the inspired fellow that I am, I felt the necessity to fill in the gap. To my not-yet parents out there, if you ever have a little girl of your own, you may want to use this as inspiration.

To My Unborn Daughter:
I look around this world and I fear for you. It’s cruel, it’s unforgiving, and people seem oblivious to how many backwards steps we’ve taken in the last 10 years. But I believe that you will be fine regardless of whatever is thrown your way. Not because I’m an optimist (I’m very much a realist, borderline pessimist), but because I know where you came from. Your lineage is full of people who worked their asses off to make sure you have all the tools to succeed. I don’t know what you will do with those tools, but I suspect you will use them to your full advantage and make the most of your opportunities.

When you get to know me, you will learn that I hate making promises to anybody, but if I make one, it may as well be written in stone. I’m a man of my word, and I make sure that if I say I’m going to do something that it gets done. So I’ll only make one promise to you; to do whatever I have to do to make sure you succeed. If that means playing the bad cop to your mother’s good cop and you hating my guts, then so be it. If it means giving up golf (which I love dearly) to make sure you make all your recitals and sports practices, then I’ll do it. Losing sleep, gaining weight, all of that is on the table. If you make me start to go bald, though, we may have to reconsider this arrangement.

The other thing you will learn when you get older is that I’m pretty good at giving advice, and if I know you like I think I do, you probably won’t come to me for advice about guys because you think I won’t be fair to the guy. Well, you are correct. I won’t be fair to him because he doesn’t deserve it. The male species is a conniving, slick, manipulative breed of which I’m a member, and I won’t be fooled by some young Alpha with good hair, a two-parent home, and Southern manners (wait a minute, that sounds familiar…anyway). But I want to give you this advice beforehand so you know I told you something that was unbiased and based out of love and experience. I can’t fit all of it into this letter, but I’ll tell you three things that are important about men that you need to know. Take these to heart and never forget.

When a man shows you who he is, believe him.
Notice I didn’t say tell. We’ll tell you anything at first, but actions cannot and do not lie. If he lies about little things, he’ll lie about big things. If he won’t trust you to go out with your friends, then he’s a possessive, insecure simpleton who doesn’t deserve you. And please, please, please, don’t ever think you can change him. You can’t. He can only change himself. No matter how great a woman you are, YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Marriage won’t change him either. Always remember this point.

All men will disappoint you at one time or another, including your father.
I want you to know this on the front end because some women go through life thinking that the perfect man is out there who will be the most greatest sweetest handsomest guy in the world. He doesn’t exist, sweetie. I can tell you that there is a guy out there who will make you laugh, love you like you deserve, and protect you from as much hurt, harm and danger as possible (unfortunately, I won’t be able to marry you, so you will have to settle for someone who does all of that but not as good as me). And even that man will disappoint you somewhere along the line because we aren’t perfect. Don’t give up on us though. Just work with him to make him the best that he can be. But remember rule no. 1.

If he loves you, he’ll knock down walls and move mountains for you.
What he won’t do is say the phrase “But if you love me, you will _________”. I can’t tell you when you will hear this line or who will say it, but men have been using it for centuries, and it’s been a lie every time it’s been uttered. What he will do is make feel loved, respected, cherished, and safe. If he can’t do all of that, he doesn’t deserve you.

I just wanted to share some wisdom so that you will have a good foundation for what we called “The Game”. I don’t know what you all will call it, just know it’s been played long before you were born, and despite all the variations, it’s still the same during my time as it will be during yours. I can’t wait to meet you, and I hope that we will be able to talk about these and other topics one day soon. I love you.

- Daddy BLH
Deuces, my good people.

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