The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. VIII.: What Women Really Want, Pt. 2

“Why can’t I find a man that’s nice to me and treats me good? I’m tired of getting dogged out”  -- (insert your homegirl’s name here that’s always saying this phrase)





While having a conversation with a friend of mine a while back, the subject of college dating patterns was discussed. After laughing & joking a good while on the amount of dumbassness that took place, we turned to the slightly more serious subject of how females responded to us. More specifically, he wondered why I seemed to get more of a response from women than he did even though we both were intelligent, good-looking, educated black men on a predominantly female campus. I’ll give you a peak to how this played out.

HIM: Man I just don’t get it, I didn’t cuss females out, didn’t dog ‘em, took ‘em out, let them borrow the car and everything. But I still never seemed to get girls like the rest of the crew. 
ME: Yeah, you did all that.
HIM: But I mean, you embarrassed them in public, treated them like straw paper, and inevitably two more would come out the woodworks.
ME: Yep
HIM: I don’t get that at all
ME: It’s cuz you were trying to save them. I was trying to slay them. 
HIM: Huh?

At this point, I had to point out his fatal flaw. For everything my boy had going for him, the one thing that always hindered his ability to be a devastating dating machine was lack of a mean streak. Simply put, he was too damn nice.

I hear women constantly say that they want a guy who is nice to them, who treats them good, who takes care of them. What men hear is that they want a nice guy. That is FALSE. That is not what she said. Go back and look at the sentence. She said she wants a guy who is nice to her, but she NEVER said she wanted a nice guy. See, men always complain and say “women always saying they want a nice guy”. Nope, fellas, I’m here to tell you that they never said that. Men having the attention span of a 3-year old on his first visit to Chuck E. Cheese caused us to interpret it that way, but it’s simply not the case.

Women want a guy with an edge. The kind of edge that causes a man to tell a woman, “If you put your finger in my face again, imma gut punch yo fool ass”. (**Disclaimer, the BLH does not advocate domestic violence. However, the threat of it must exist or they will habitually line-step**). It must be present in order for a woman to respect a man, or she will Riverdance all over his pride on a daily basis just because. I could name reasons all day as to why this is, but I always believe that the best explanation is the simplest.

See, at their core, women want to feel safe, protected if you will. Lil J.C. Watson III who only met black people through Jack and Jill just ain’t gon cut it. Leroy from the block? He’ll pop a cap in a fools arse because it’s Thursday. A woman wants to know…no, NEEDS to know, that her man is going to make certain the she is protected and not disrespected. I’ve almost fought a 10 year old because of an inappropriate comment he made to Mrs. Hitch. You say he was too young? I don’t care, he disrespected MY woman, and I makes no exceptions. If he was 6’3”, 210 lbs, then I was just gonna have to get whooped in that fight, but I can guarantee he would come out looking worse than he did when he went in.  And let’s be real, a nice guy would have just laughed this off and kept it moving. And a small piece of his woman would have died because her man didn’t stand up for her.

So that old axiom “Nice guys finish last” is as true today as it was when you first heard it, because nice guys let bad boys disrespect them in front of their women. Nice guys watch their girl have a conversation in a bar with another man while he’s gone to buy drinks and don’t shake the hell out of her when they return. In short, nice guys, the really nice guys, inadvertently project weakness. And weakness is a complete no-no in dating and relationships.

Deuces, my good people….

Thoughts?
Do women really want nice guys, or do they want bad boys who are nice to them?

Follow me on Twitter
@thebootleghitch 

when the funk hits the fan.

Hark.

What's this I see? A real blog?

Indeed it is.

Now let me drop some knowledge.

The other day, I did what most folks did on a holiday weekend. I got up, scrubbed my nether regions, put on some clothes and proceeded to find free food at somebody's BBQ. Alas, I found my mecca at my homeboy Kev's place.

It indeed was a fancy shindig. The man had plenty of food and beverages. He even had fancy little cheesecake bites. This was a pretty classy affair.

*tips nose upwards*

Lastly --- what it had in abundance, was conversation. Something about when you get the liquid spirits flowing, talking begins to follow suit. Our unisex crowd of urban professionals covered just about every topic out there from reality TV, to fashion, to sports.

You know we're pretty versatile like that...
*pops collar*

However, one topic in particular stood out to me. We began talking about what attracts someone to someone else. The basics began to fly out: smile, charisma, looks, etc. Then all of sudden, one young lady decided to flip the script.

I like a man's musk.

*cut music*

Come again? Did you just say you like a man's musk?
What in the Desperate Housewives?

The bad thing is that she was not alone in this thinking - she actually had several women co-sign her statement.

I mean, as a man, there are a myriad of things that I am attracted to in a woman but some funk? No bueno.

Color me confused but ummm... I had no idea that sweaty draws were an aphrodisiac.

Makes a brotha wanna go out for a ten-mile run.

That's my time.

----------------------

Before I go, please tell me... is this way of thinking normal? If so, what are some odd turn-ons for you?

Hit me back. - Mr. Smart Guy

Get A Room. Now.

What's going on, people? I know it's been a minute since I've written (two months to be exact) but I'm back on the grind now.

Hold your applause.

During my brief hiatus, I actually took some time to work on other ventures and take care of some business. It felt really good to get back on track to sanity because life was kind of crazy. Now that sappiness is out of the way, let's get down to bidness! Yeah, I said bid-ness.

The other day while running errands, I pulled up a stoplight, settling behind a few cars in the midst of the grinding rush hour traffic. I was carefree, listening to my music - when I realized the light had turned green... and we were still sitting in one spot.

Why you might ask?

Well, some horny couple decided to play tonsil hockey; becoming so immersed in the exchange of lip juice that they forgot they were in the middle of the intersection!


As I spoke gruffly to them [in unprintable language] and shook my fist rapidly [as if that would do anything], I vowed I would handle them and get my revenge.

How so , Mr. Smart Guy?!!!

Well, I plan on educating you all so that you may spread the gospel of Mr. Smart Guy to people around your neck of the woods and stop the madness before it spreads even more.We have to band together to rid the world of these terrible epidemic. It's disgusting, shameful and revolting.

P.
D.
A.

Those three letters might seem innocent but when put together, all hell breaks loose.

PDA's [Public Displays of Affections] terrorize us regular folk who just want to walk down the street without hearing who loves who more or how much you'll miss them when they go to the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that is not really sexy to have long talks whilst on the toilet.



I know, I know. It sickens me too. That's why we have to put a stop to it.

To first beat the enemy, you must know about the enemy. In fact, you may be an offender and you don't even know it.

Ask yourself the following questions.

• Do you like holding hands?
• Do you use pet names?
• Do you kiss in public?
• Do you stare at your mate longingly?

If you've answered yes to any of those questions, slap yourself now.

Holding hands is not necessary. If they really love you, they'll be there. They can't run away that fast.

Pet names should be used for pets only. Unless you walk them, check them for bugs and put them on a tight leash, you shouldn't use pet names. Wait a minute - scratch that. I know people who actually do that. Never mind.

Kissing in public is kinda gross. Well, not all kissing...


Staring is not caring. If you look away, they won't disappear. I promise.

I just want you all to know that I'm not downing love - just saving my digestive system from all that sappiness.

That's my time.

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. VII.: Do Women REALLY Believe in Monogamy?

No.

I know, I know, you’re supposed to put the conclusion at the end in order to keep the suspense up. I got all that. But I figured I’d be like a good movie and start at what seems to be the end and give a rewind as to how we got there. Let’s begin…

Since I was a teenager, every woman I’ve ever called my “girlfriend” has wanted to be exclusive. Didn’t want to see anybody else, and definitely didn’t want to me seeing anybody else. I agreed to these conditions for several reasons. I really was feeling them, butterflies and all that ish. These were the girls that you fell asleep on the phone with and then lied talking bout you were just listening quietly (which stopped working once I got older and started performing hog calls in my slumber). These were the showpieces (“yeah, that’s mine partna, and yeah, she feels good too”). 

Last but not least, the exclusive label was necessary since it was the key to the chastity belt, and I was definitely in the business of unlocking it. But as I analyzed these relationships, a funny pattern arose in my research: just about all these ladies engaged in some type of violation of the exclusivity agreement. In an absolutely random order, the following events took place in these relationships:

·         One was secretly calling her old boyfriend of several years behind my back (this actually happened twice)

·         One was screwing an older guy, left me for him then broke up with him 2 weeks later

·         One would come see me while I was with a previous girlfriend

·         The previous girlfriend returned the favor and would call me to come thru

Now before we go on and you get up to tap-dance on a soapbox, the prosecution would like to submit the following facts into evidence:

·         I wasn’t a saint AT ALL in a lot of these scenarios.

·         Men find monogamy an acquired taste, kinda like beer. Bitter at first, but eventually it grows on us.

With that being said; it became painfully obvious to me that although women like to require exclusivity, it only applies when it’s convenient for them. Even worse, we have become desensitized to it.

Don’t believe me?

I’d like to submit Exhibit A (Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats) 

and B (Fantasia and Antwuan)

I always would think that guys out here are just wild and messing with women randomly and cheating with no remorse, but women KNOW guys have a man, STILL get with them, AND expect women to respect their man when they get one.

Am I missing something here? 

Nope, I’ll just call it what it is: hypocritical. If a guy can’t expect his woman to stay faithful when he’s boning every chick in the champagne room, women can’t expect any when they’re stepping out on their man or with someone else’s man. So today I’m declaring the myth dead those women are monogamous creatures. If you’re reading this and saying “this don’t apply to me”, then I’d like to say more power to you and keep it moving, my sistah. I would however like you to take a quick second and REALLY think about whether you’ve been the perfect lil’ angel you’re portraying yourself to be.

What do you guys think? Are women lying to us about monogamy, or are they lying to themselves? Let me know what you think.

Deuces, my good people.

Follow me on twitter @thebootleghitch

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. VI.: "Are You Sure You're Worth It?"

A few years ago, a good friend of mine (a successful lawyer) was attending a medical student association function with his cousin. Knowing that some fine, professional ladies with high EPs (earnings potential) were gonna be in the building, he asked me my advice on how he should approach the situation. After giving him the open mouth blank stare for a few seconds, I responded incredulously.


"What the hell are you talking about? You are a lawyer, well-dressed, Christian, no kids, no diseases, no stalkers. Dude, YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE, NOT THEM." After digesting this for a few seconds, he came to the realization that I was indeed correct and proceeded to rake in the ladies that night. Sadly, this type of thought process plays out daily across the dating scene. One person sits back nervously wondering how to approach the one who's caught their eye that night, when their swagger should be on 1000. I've advised countless people about dating and relationships, but one axiom is true above all; you have to know your worth to operate effectively. This is not to be confused with confidence, which a person can have for no apparent reason. Understanding your worth is knowing the value you bring to a situation.

What's the importance of knowing your worth? It's best to look at this from both eyes of both sexes. For men, this concept is crucial when it comes to approaching the opposite sex. Women can smell an unsure, weak-minded male from a mile away and will eat him alive. A man who understands his worth knows that what his strengths and weaknesses are and is able to navigate himself into a position of strength in an initial conversation. A man who knows his worth knows that if a woman rejects him, there are five around the corner who would be glad to go out with him. It's also important in relationships. He doesn't feel the need to control every aspect of the relationship, he's not intimidated when she makes more money than him, and she doesn't have to wear a GPS device when she leaves the house.

For women, it's just as important but for different reasons. A man will treat a woman with no sense of worth like a straw wrapper (straw wrapper, you ask? It's only got one use, and once it's fulfilled that use, you toss it away and don't think twice about it).


A woman who understands her worth won't settle for a bad man but also doesn't set unrealistic expectations for her future soul mate. She can see how good a man is even if he doesn't have to degree or the BMW.

The most important thing about knowing your own worth is that you don't lie to yourself. If you have to lie, lie to your mom, brother, spouse, best friend, pastor, ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF. You can't come out the house looking like a circus monkey, thinking you're about to pull Halle Berry. Your job at the strip club? Great for the pocketbook, bad in his mom's book. I'm not judging, just stating facts. The more real you are with yourself, the easier life is for everybody.

So what do you guys think? How important is it to know your worth? And better yet, how was it to date or be in a relationship with someone who didn't know their worth?

Deuces to you all, my good people.


Follow me on twitter @thebootleghitch

The Seven-Ten Split.

Good afternoon, good people. Hope all is well. Ok, ok - enough with the pleasantries. Today's story is an educational one.

Here's the scenario:

• Boy meets girl.
• Boy and girl hit it off due some type of chemistry (i.e. looks, conversations or money).
• Boy and girl date for awhile.
• Boy and/or girl introduce each other to their friends.
• Boy and girl begin to hang with the above-mentioned friends and/or other couples.
• Boy and/or girl all of sudden find skeletons in the closet, become randomly bored or cheat and decide to go water someone else's lawn.

Break-ups occur all the time, relationships just don't work out.
Spit happens.

The bigger problem is that along the way, you longer are just yourself. You become the couple and that's how people associate you and when you break up, it's hard to disassociate that thought pattern.

With all that being said, when it's over, it's over.
WITH EVERYBODY.



That means if your mother loves that sweet little girl you brought home for the holidays, she'd better love her son more and delete that number out of her phone.
That means if your homegirl thought dude was mad cool, she'd better decide that chillin' with you is cooler.

I know you're probably wondering why I'm coming off so harsh. The simple way to put it is that no one wants to walk around eggshells when encountering someone they were formerly close with just because you want to be Friendly McHappyFace. If you guys were not friends before, you don't need to be after.

One of my homeboys does an auto-delete off all information/social media connections of the person his friend was no longer close with. His reasoning: "If y'all are done, why do I need to continue on with that person?"

Simple words, true statements.

Wish more folks I knew more folks that thought like that.

Am I crazy for thinking that way? Let me know.

That's my time.

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. V.: Shhh!

The following is a public service announcement from The Bootleg Hitch. The commentary expressed in this column does not reflect the opinions of the owner of this page AKA this man right chea (no Mystikal). The BLH went HAM and almost pulled the column but decided to publish it anyway. We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming later this week. Until then...
-Your neighborhood educator, Mr. Smart Guy.

Women, shut the hell up.

Yes, I said it.

Shut.
The.
Hell.
Up.

That bold statement that I just said almost certainly caused you to immediately scroll down to the comments section and type some ignorant missive about respect of women. But if you are still reading this, then let me tell you why I say this. I was reading a blog from another talented writer (s/o to @slimjackson), and the gist of the blog was that women shouldn’t be afraid to approach a man if they are interested. It’s a compelling read, I’d suggest you check it out. It definitely grabbed my attention when I read the comments left by several women who wanted to quote scripture; specifically, Proverbs 18:22 which says “he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

They felt that since the Bible says he who finds, then it excludes them from having to do anything. As I digested this line of thinking, a slow burn developed in my soul, only this one wasn’t from a night of drinking some of that ole Sweet Water. Not only because of the blatant use of one verse in the bible to justify a point (this drives me crazy), but the verse itself kills the justification of that line of thinking. You don’t think so? Let’s take a look.

The verse says he that findeth a wife. The number one issue I have with this line of thinking is that many times, females are trying to be chased like a wife but aren’t looking for a husband (face-slap no.1).


They are out here looking for a sugar-daddy, somebody to take them out every now and then, a buck-fuddy, or just someone to have a good time with. So ladies, answer this for me: why should a man pursue you in that manner if you not looking for him as a husband? Why should a man have to be the one to constantly put himself out there looking for “The One” when you know damn well you want him as a no. 2, 3, or 4?

The second issue I have is that you confuse letting a man know you are interested with chasing a man. What is wrong with walking by a brother and telling him he looks nice? Why can’t you tell him that you like his outfit, the cologne he wore, or that he’s got a nice smile? Tip: this doesn’t make you look the least bit desperate. What it does is clear up the confusion we have in our minds. Women, you all think you give obvious signs about being interested in a man. Let me let you in on a secret: you’re terrible at it. Cot dayum awful.

I have heard more guys with stories about girls coming up to them years later, complaining about him not giving her the time of day in college when he genuinely had no clue she was interested.

“But why do you think I always sat in the seat 63 degrees in front of your left eye?” Hell, we don’t know, maybe you liked being toward the front of the class. MEN ARE AWFUL AT READING MINDS. Write it down and memorize it. We are too simple for that. State what you want and keep it moving.

The third and final issue I have is for the women who are genuinely looking to settle down. Are you presenting yourself in a manner worthy of being considered a wife? Since we’re in bible country, let us look at what the Bible considers a virtuous wife aka a Proverbs 31 woman. Here are some essential components lifted directly from this passage.
• The heart of her husband safely trusts her.

Random chick raises hand: “So Mr. Bootleg Hitch, if we got together while I was still with another dude but I left the other guy for him, isn’t that me showing my love for him?”

Hell naw, it just means you’re a flighty whore who’s totally untrustworthy. Why would I believe you wouldn’t do that to me?
• She provides food for her household.

If you ain’t cooking, you ain’t wifey material. No need to expound on that, it’s non-negotiable. Moving right along.
• She is clothed with strength and dignity.

Ladies, let me tell you something, a man should never call a woman a hoe. HOWEVER, if a person is walking down the street with a police outfit on talking on a walkie-talkie with a gun on their hip and they AREN’T a cop, they really can’t get mad at me if I try to report a crime to them. Same with you, if you out here dressing like a hoe, acting like a hoe, talking like a hoe, walking like a hoe, don’t be mad when a man tries to treat you like a hoe. Dignity/honor is what we are looking for. I need to be able to take you to the office party and the New Year’s party and not have to worry about you at either spot. I shouldn’t have to shudder when my friends say they know someone who knew you back in school. And strength doesn’t mean being about to bench-press your name brand purse, it means being there for a man and the family and holding us up when we get weak.

So ladies, before you go there about dating and relationships, take a moment and shut the hell up. Make sure you are giving off what you want to get back. And if you want to start quoting bible verses, make extra sure you willing to live up to the standards of what you are quoting.

Deuces to you all, my good people.



Follow me on twitter: @thebootleghitch.

2000: The Everclear Edition.

The Scene: Summertime
The Mood: Boredom
The Attitude: Composed Confidence (ie Stupidity)

Let me explain.

In a desperate attempt to show my independence, I decided not to travel back to Chicago for the summer. This would've been a wonderful idea but I didn't have a job, which meant no money and no true place to lay my head (or scrub my nether regions). I spent the majority of my time very gypsy-like, staying at various places with friends and taking odd end jobs just to have enough to eat or give gas money to folks who transported me around.

During the downtime of my down time, I hung with a gaggle of people including my pseudo-Hispanic friend, Fred. We've been down since the 7th grade so I knew I could rely on him for just about anything. He's a true friend to this day and one particular time, he saved me from myself. He knew I was feeling a bit down so he called up a few people and invited them out to his house. Next thing I know, we had a house full of people, music and red cups of liquor.

Up until that point, I had never had alcohol (unless you count the mistaken stolen sips of beer and vodka from my aunt's glass - I thought they were apple juice and water). I really didn't like the taste but I commenced to imbibe once I had all that free time. Don't get me wrong, I was no one's alcoholic but I started to increase my tolerance --- so much to the point that I began to boast that I could not become intoxicated.

Pure folly I know but I still believed it. One of my other boys sought to disprove my beliefs and told me to drink a shot. I told him I would and promptly asked for two more. He warned me against this but being stubborn as a mule, I drank them anyway. Turns out what I was drinking was Everclear*.


Everclear is an alcoholic beverage that is 190 proof. In contrast, other hard liquors such as rum and vodka are typically 80 to 120 proof, which contain 40 to 60 percent alcohol. In a nutshell, it's like drinking gasoline.

What happened next is a little hazy for me.

I believe I looked like this:

The recap as explained by the people who were around was this:

• Shortly after the last drink, I began to get really hot and I went outside to get some air.
• My feet were hot as well so I took off my shoes.
• I figured if I ran around maybe I could generate a breeze to cool off.
• Somehow, this ended up with people chasing me through the surrounding woods that encapsulated the complex.
• Once I was corralled back into the house, I sat for a minute and decided to run to the grocery store for some water.
• Yes, I am still in my socks.
• I once again captured and taken back to the house.
• I take off once again, fearing that I will be late for school if I don't make this bus.
• My frustrated friends finally tie me up and I wake up the next afternoon.

In a nutshell, I was an idiot and I have very patient friends. If the situation was reversed, one of those guys would still be in the woods, pop-locking with raccoons and beavers. Glad I finally sobered up (in more ways than just inebriation).

That's my time.

Check out my other 30 for 30's at adifferentmindset.tumblr.com.

The Bootleg HItch Chronicles, Vol. IV: What Women REALLY Want, Closure Edition

“I just need some closure.” – (insert any female’s name here)

A dear friend of mine ended her relationship with Only College Boyfriend almost 5 years ago. Yet for some reason, she was never able to move on and have a functional relationship with other men. Yeah, he left her on their anniversary and told her she wasn’t marriage material, but come on, it was 5 years ago! Anyways, we spoke the other day, and she seemed as content as I had ever heard her. Me being the nosey negro friend that I am, of course I inquired about her new mood. Her next sentence surprised me; “I finally got closure from Only College Boyfriend.” Once she told me how it happened, I realized we have the concept of closure totally wrong. Today, we making it right.

Closure. Simple word, seven letters, noun loosely meaning “an ending”. But by far, the concept of closure is extraordinarily difficult to achieve. Some woman is still waiting to receive closure from her 9th grade boyfriend who left her for the 10th grade girl (Side note- he left 'cuz she was giving it up and you weren’t. Moving right along). Women all of America are pining for this thing called closure. Men want to give it but can’t seem to make it happen. Why is this so tough to do? What makes closure such a difficult concept? The problem, my friends, is two-fold.

One, women don’t have a clue how to verbalize what they are asking for. Don’t believe me? How many times has a conversation about closure turned into “let’s get one for the road”?


Knowing full well that wasn’t what you were looking for? Or even worse, it turned into a sob session with the phrase “But why?!?!?!” uttered over and over again. How can you get these extreme responses? Because women have no clue what “closure” they are looking for. Sadly, it’s not even their fault. The term has been mangled and abused beyond repair. Some idiot chick wanted to sound sophisticated when she was talking to her ex one day and said the word closure, her girlfriend heard it and liked it, and we’ve been screwed ever since. It’s a false term being used for something else women are looking to achieve. Today we are gonna kill the term once and for all and replace it with another one. More on that in a moment.

The second issue is that men believe that the concept of closure is a session where they give the reasons why the relationship didn’t work and then say “it’s not you, it’s me.” That’s a damn lie. If it was about the guy, he would ask his lady to help him out with his issues. If it was the guy, and he knew he had a ride or die chick, he’d know she would be there for him at the beginning, middle, and end of his problems. So fellas, I’m gonna need us to retire that line in 2011. Ya feel me? Anyways, men at their core try to solve problems. We think that when a woman brings us an issue, she’s bringing us a problem to solve. Farrrrthest thing from the truth. Fellas, unless she asks you “what do you think about that?”, I suggest you shut the hell up, nod your head, and say “I understand”. 90% of the time she just wants to vent, and all you have to do is listen. What a simple concept! Yet we fumble it damn near every time. Totally off the subject, but worth it. But women don’t want us to tell them why it didn’t work. Who would want to hear that negativity? Who asks for a whooping? They aren’t looking for your analysis of why her friends are the bane of your existence. She doesn’t really care that you are on a spiritual journey and you don’t think you got room for her on the train. That’s not what she’s looking for.

What women are really looking for is validation. Women want to know that they actually made an impact in your world. They want to know that you learned something about life, yourself, relationships, the universe, whatever, while you two were together. They want to make sure that all the time, tears, and tattoos (epic fail) were not in vain.



A woman can handle many things, but the one thing she won’t deal with is her time being wasted. She wants to know that you remembered how she fed you when you were broke; how you appreciated her not telling anybody about that time you were so drunk you threw up all over yourself and she cleaned it up. She needs to know you remembered where you went on your first date, what you ate, and who paid for it. Men, she just wants to make sure that she meant something to you. And isn’t that what anybody would want? Don’t we all want to know we left an impression on someone? 'Cuz when it’s all said and done, all we will have of one another are moments and memories, and we only will recall the things that were special to us.

What do you think? Ladies, am I right about this? Men, what are your closure stories?

Deuces to you all, my good people.



Follow me on twitter: @thebootleghitch.

conversate and coordinate...

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your eardrums (OK, everybody else too). First and foremost, Happy New Year. New years mean new beginnings hence me beginning to write again. Enough small talk though – let’s get down to business.

The other day, I had a conversation with a close friend. She was in a situation where she was dating a gentleman for a period of time. They did a lot of stuff together on a regular basis and to all accounts and from what I gather, they seemed to be quite fond of each other. The only thing this couple did not have was a title.

In her eyes, that was OK because they had each other… until a new position threatened the stint they spent together. Knowing he was leaving, she decided to have the dreaded conversation.

*Cue fancy movie music*
DUN DUN DUNNNNNH!


This, my friends, is where the proverbial fecal waste hit the fan.

He began to bandy about statements about how much he cared for her and wanted to keep her in his life but now was a bad time for him to be making such important decisions. SMART GUY SIDEBAR: this is code for I’d like to keep smangin’* you with the flexibility to skeet on others.


Needless to say, this “relationship” is now, like Stevie Wonder’s hairline: a thing of the past.

Honestly, the homie didn’t have much of a chance. Her fate was predetermined. Once she started asking about status, it was over.

We men are mostly simple creatures. We like to watch sports, eat and luxuriate in latex lovin’ (wrap it up, B!) – and we don’t like being asked questions.


We know what we like – point blank.

Real talk, a man knows within the first 30 days of the courtship period whether or not he would like to take things to the next level with his partner of the moment. He may or may not act on that thought for some time but that is beside the point. Ladies, this is when you should let the letter of the law take place by enacting the 90 Day Rule.

What is the 90 Day Rule?
*cue Antoine Dodson*

Welllllll, the 90 Day Rule is fairly simple. If you are dating someone and after 90 days you are not actively working your way to a relationship, stop what you’re doing, lace up your shoes and turn and walk away because you, my friend are headed in the wrong direction.

I know some of you are scratching your heads to my reference to Hamburger Helper. In my eyes, Hamburger Helper is a delicious treat to satiate your appetite for an indefinite amount of time. It’s quick, inexpensive, and is pleasing to the palate. In a nutshell, when you are hungry - it does the trick.

In my first years after completing my undergraduate studies, I ate Hamburger Helper several times a week, partially in lieu of my finances (or lack thereof). I enjoyed and it definitely served its purpose. But therein lies the problem. Hamburger Helper, while delicious and satisfying for me, merely tided me over until something more filling offered itself up.

This is also what happens when you do not adhere to the 90 Day Rule. You allow yourself to be a placeholder for a more appealing option and in the end, you become left over.

This has been a Mr. Smart Guy Public Service Announcement.

Feel free to let me know what you think.

That’s my time.

- Mr. Smart Guy

*smangin' = smashing + banging - reference is located here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0

Mr. Telephone Man

What's good, folks?

I'm feeling good, feeling great - how are you?

While on my way on to work this morning, I cued up one of my old school playlists on the iPod to jam to while on the expressway. I was really getting into it, doing car-influenced dance moves (you know like bobbing your head and snapping fingers and then grabbing the wheel real quick-like as to not swerve off into a ditch or another car) and singing parts of the songs (and humming the rest because I don't know all the lyrics) when I came upon a classic joint I hadn't heard in sometime.

The song was New Edition's Mr. Telephone Man. Some of you may not remember this cut but whenever it came on, I began to imitate Ralph and Bobby (the pre-crack version) on the microphone. The pain they felt was real as they sang their hearts out. Here are a few of the lyrics:

Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line/
When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time!/
(Hopeless Romantic Thought: I know it must be the phone 'cuz it couldn't be me!)

She let the phone ring 20 times/
Before she answered/
Let me tell you what happened then/
A minute later I got the operator/
Saying please hang up and place/
Your call again...
(Hopeless Romantic Thought: Maybe she had a bad signal...)

Some strange man is on the telephone
He keeps telling me my baby ain't home
She got no party line
Situation blowing my mind
Oh, I just can't take this anymore...
(Hopeless Romantic Thought: That's probably her cousin, Reggie...)

To make a long story short, Ralph and Bobby never quite do make that connection. Who knows why them fools kept calling a busy number - but that's not the topic I'm really trying to reach today. Ladies and gents, boys and girls, mammals and cats - I'm here again to offer up my sage (and unsolicited) advice into a serious matter: phone etiquette.

Many people do not exercise said etiquette and it is a bit nerve-wracking. I bet you're thinking that you're pretty good at it and you don't need my advice. To that, I think... listen anyway because one of your trifling friends isn't and needs to hear what I gots to say!!!

Sorry, had to get the crunk out of my system...

Picture this scenario:
Boy meets girl (or whatever meeting scenario you wanna stick in).
They exchange pleasantries and phone numbers with promises to call.

Often, people know whether or not they actually plan on calling the person after they receive said number (I don't see the point of taking a number you have no intentions of using but that's a blog for another day.) For this scenario, let's say you are genuinely interested in talking (or for my Chi-Town folks, conversating) to this person.

With that being said, there is an appropriate time line in which one must call.

1) Same day to one day. Um, no. Makes you look too anxious.

2) Two days - five days. Good time frame - gives them time to remember without struggling to who you are.

3) Six days to 12 days. Pushing it - but at least when you say your name, they won't immediately go WHO DAT IS?

Anything more than that and don't bother calling. Even if you have a legitimate excuse on why you couldn't and/or haven't called, the other person believes that you aren't interested.

The common thought is that if you're interested, you'll call. It's a fairly simple rule to follow... but we all know that simple isn't chic - so we do things with a veil of mystery.

That's all fine and dandy - but that allure, that mystery, that intrigue is certainly not as sexy when you are talking to Ray-Ray, your invisible best friend/gangsta rapper about that new young tender you just met.

If you're feeling someone, call them up and whisper a few sweet nothings in their ear. Don't wait for them to call you. Go out and get yours before there is nothing left out there and when you finally do get around to calling, you get the gas face like Ralph and Bobby...

What's your thoughts on this? Let me know...
Ladies - do you feel you have call a man that you want?
Gentlemen - do you feel like you always have to make the first move?

That's my time.

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. 3: Look At The Signs.

"Oh girl, I love how protective he is of me..."
"It's so cute how he plays video games with my son..."
"I ain't ever seen a teacher wearing GUCCI, but she was SO fine on our date the other night..."
"Yeah, she say she won't go down on a guy unless it's her husband, and I'm cool with that..."

Ahhhh, the things we say when we first start dating somebody. Isn't it wonderful when you meet someone who is not only interesting but interested in you? The butterflies, text messages, instant messages, the ubiquitous self portrait/phone pic, the nights on the phone with one hand on the handset and the other in your boxers (not that I've ever done that... but anyways). The budding of a new relationship is undoubtedly one of the most dynamic feelings one can experience. It makes men who can't spell write poetry and women who can't cook whip up a three course meal. It makes men manscape and women endure Brazilian waxes. Apartments are cleaned, cars are washed, clothes get sent to the cleaners, shoes get shined, tables are dusted, floors are vacuumed, and teeth finally get flossed. All of this in the name of the pursuit of happiness. Many a man and woman have participated in this ritual, and some actually come out of it with a long term relationship, maybe even marriage.

It is in this pursuit that the greatest mistake of any relationship is made. Time and again, both sexes make this mistake early and pay for it dearly later. It causes the following things to be said much later in a relationship.

"WHY DOES HE KEEP HITTING ME!"
"This b-----d is always playing Madden"
"WTF?! Why is my credit card maxed out?!?!?!"
"I tell you what, if she won't do it, somebody else will"

You wanna know why he's knocking your teeth out?
Why she making you take out a title loan to pay the rent?
Why he's always on the Xbox talking on that rackafrackin headset? *
Why she won't treat you to a session of psychotherapy?

Because they told you they were going to do it, that's why. Oh, they may not have come out and said it straight out, but believe this, THE SIGNS ARE ALWAYS THERE.

Every.
Single.
Time.

If you look back on any problems you had with significant others in relationships, you can trace it back to some action or belief that was evident if you would have paid attention. The problem was that your nose was so wide open it obscured your vision.

The mistake... willful ignorance. And we all are guilty. Urban dictionary defines ignorance as 'a blindfolded man sitting in broad daylight saying "I love the dark" and swatting anyone who tries to take the damned thing off'. More accurately, it defines it as "the most dangerous thing in the world". Ignorance isn't bliss, it's just ignorance, plain and simple.

Next time you are in the midst of a great honeymoon phase, take a break and pay attention to what's really going on. It may save you a trip to dentist or some Ms. Palmer loving you never thought you would need.

Anyways, I'm out till the next time.

BLH

Guest Edition: Out of Your League

This post was written by one of the best writers I know. It's a dope insight... check him out here and also at his spot, Suite 81. Give it up for the homie, Goodnight Snack! - Mr. Smart Guy



I saw a romantic comedy (more comedy than romance, actually) recently called "She's Out of My League." Maybe you've heard of it or seen it. If you haven't (SPOILER ALERT), the synopsis is that an awkward, "average Joe" who is an airport security guard meets a woman at his security checkpoint who is "a perfect 10". To his surprise, she asks him out after witnessing him perform a kind act. Later we discover that she also asked him out because he is in fact the exact opposite of the type of guys she's used to dating. He reluctantly agrees to go on the date, and on said date, she gets to know him better. She eventually takes a more genuine interest in him. The protagonist absolutely cannot believe what is happening (and neither can his friends). In short, he almost ruins his chances with her because he's obsessed with the hotness disparity between them - her being a 10 and him being a 6…as per the plot of the film.

Aside from the comedy, I found the plot to be very entertaining. If you can forgive the obviously and intentional exaggerations of the movie, the situation wasn't much unlike real life. See, we all see people and group them based on some kind of rating scale…at least subconsciously. And we all see ourselves somewhere on that scale. So we all have the tendency to approach people who we think are in our reach. And unfortunately, this scale also leads some of us to think that others are out of our reach, whether we think they're beneath us or above us. What's worse is that we make this leap based solely on physical appearance. The reality, however, is that nobody is really out of anybody's league. Or at least you can't tell immediately…just from looking at someone.

Oh, you don't agree? Well how else does this happen?



Yes, I know they aren't together anymore…but still…

Kevin Bisch (the writer of the film "Hitch") took the thought right out of my head when he based the movie on the concept that ANY guy can have (date…start a successful relationship with) ANY woman. It's absolutely true…and it works both ways. I've never understood why a guy immediately assumes that a woman is out of his reach. I swear it’s the quickest way to miss out on an opportunity. If you see an attractive woman and immediately think to yourself, "Wow, she's gorgeous. She wouldn’t want to be with a schmo like me." Well of course she's out of your league then. You're all awkward and downtrodden, and your body language probably screams "I have no confidence and I'm insecure. I won't be man enough for you in the bedroom because I'll never see myself as the Mandingo you need me to be." Who wants that? But if a fly-azz honey catches your eye and you want to make a move, do yourself a favor and approach the situation like that woman should have absolutely no reason NOT to like you. In fact, you should be focusing on all of the reasons she SHOULD dig you. Because that's how winners are born, son. If you ain't first, you're last.

The more you know.

Anyways, if you have the wrong attitude, you'll find a million reasons NOT to date someone…especially when you have the mindset that you are somehow above them, physically. I can't count the number of times I've heard a woman say she wasn't interested in a guy because he was too short, or too hefty, or not sexy enough. I can't count how many men I know that have not approached a woman because her hair wasn't the right color/length, or her ass and breasts weren't big enough, or because she was too tall. And this movie focused on the inverse scenario - a guy reluctant to go out with a girl because she has too many positive qualities.

My point is, as humans, we (I include myself) play ourselves out of the game. We do it early, and we do it often. And it's all a factor of one character trait: Confidence. You either have it or you don't. And yes, you can be drunk with it. As a man, you (internally) have to have the attitude that you are the most interesting, well-read, entertaining, attractive, biggest-dick-swingin'est, pipe-layin'est cat out there. And as a woman, you have to have the mindset that you are the sexiest, most clever, nurturing, stylish, loving woman with the absolute sweetest p*ssy there is. Again, internally. Externally, that translates into confidence as long as you don't take it too far. And of course, all of that has to at least partially be true or else SOMEBODY is gonna be mad at you later on.

Maybe it's just me, but in my entire dating career, I've never seen a woman and thought to myself, "Damn, Goodnight…you can't holla at that one. She's just too fly for you." F*ck that. I would have made a move on Halle Berry back when I was single. Because hey, why wouldn't she be into me? She's dated pro-athletes, models, crooners, and actors and that sh!t didn't work. Why NOT date a writer/blogger, renaissance-ass cat like myself?

Anyway good people, I'm looking for some honesty here. Have you ever thought somebody was out of your league just because they were too attractive or popular? Why? And have you ever turned someone down because you thought you were out of their league? Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes you're just not attracted to someone. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about turning someone down that you thought was attractive…just not attractive enough. Like you think you're an 8 and they were only a 6.5. Also, what do you rate yourself on the scale of physical beauty (1 thru 10…10 being the highest, of course).

Don't be shy, but be honest. Sharing is caring.

Testin' My Gangsta, Part Deux: Habitual Line Steppin'.

While driving out of my subdivision this morning, I passed two younger Black males engaged in some type of verbal altercation. One of them seemed to be truly irate as he was gesturing and pointing very angrily at his counterpart. The other one seemed to not enjoy the company of a finger in his face and he proceeded to move his hand to other young man's face. All of sudden, I start to see hands raining down in combat.

I stopped the car to break it up and proceeded to ask them how this all started.
Sidebar: when did I become the old guy to break up fights?

It turns out it stemmed from them disagreeing about who was the better basketball player, Kobe Bryant or LeBron James... and then one of them called the other stupid... and someone's mother got dragged into it and next thing you know, they're fighting as if their lives depended on it.

And of course, once the mama gets dragged in - it's time to rumble.

I can't deny I was tickled by how that all started but I quickly remembered that I was once young and dumb myself. In fact, I was extra idiotic in several instances. Let me go ahead and tell you about it.

Cue Minnie Riperton.
*Back down Memory Lane....*



It was fall 1998.

The leaves were starting to change colors and a chill was starting to fill the air. I was starting to adapt to life away from home and had begun to venture out to make new friends and new experiences. It was also around this time I began to start routines, such as hanging out on the yard, playing spades and staying up late to have in-depth conversations about women.

Give me a break here, I was 17.

Doing all these things would leave me famished and tired so these things would usually coincide with a late-night fast food run. Unfortunately, the bustling urban jungle of Nashville had minimal options of sustenance after 10 pm, save for the always satisfying (and affordable) Wendy's.

Nothing says delicious like 99 cent nuggets at 2 in the morning but I digress....

Sadly, the nearest Wendy's was about 20 minute walk away from campus and my institution was not necessarily in the safest of areas, so the only way I could get to that greasy goodness was to hitch a ride. Many of my fellow freshmen did not own vehicles but I was lucky enough to know who did. My good friend from Los Angeles (via Little Rock via Chicago) would make the trek in his trusty Amigo and several of us would pile in to taste what Dave Thomas' red-haired daughter was cooking.

This one evening in particular, I was particularly hungry. It felt like my stomach lining was touching my spine and that Sally Struthers would soon appear asking people to send money for me. It turns out that I wasn't the only suffering from that particular malady because all of a sudden I heard the most magical words ever: GOIN' ON A FOOD RUN!

Being the smart guy I am, I called out shotgun* to ensure that I would be first in line to quell this internal rumble in my jungle.

*This is for my non-urban people. Shotgun is a term used to infer claim to the passenger seat in a vehicle.*

I then sped out to the Amigo (along with 5 other hungry souls) to journey towards to holla at Young Dub (that was my nickname for her - she was my boo) when I noticed someone sitting in the front seat.

"Hmmm..." I thought to myself. "Maybe he didn't hear me say shotgun."

I spoke to him and let him know that I had indeed called shotgun and that sadly he'd have to go to the back and sit thigh to thigh with the other brothas in the back.

He looked at me and said: "Forget all that, I beat you to the car."

Man Law #1725.49: When one person calls SHOTGUN, that person reserves the right to sit in that seat unless driver defers or person relinquishes position of passenger seat.

Neither of these things occurred so I calmly went back to the gentleman and let him know that rule and asked him to move to the back.

He looked back at me and said: "Tough tits."

I have to admit I was taken aback by the crass words uttered by this young man. I might've even gasped.  I began to float away and have an inner conversation with my conscience. Here is a snippet of it.

Me: "Self, is this fool tryna punk me?"

My Conscience (speaking back): "Um yeah, Captain Obvious."
Me: "What is I gonna do?"
My Conscience: "Break that fool."

With lightning quickness, I began to try and wrap that ruffian like a pretzel and push his head to the backseat. I was sure that adrenaline had started pumping through veins because I starting cursing at him like I was speaking tongues like Sister Claudine. You know her, that one lady who catches the Holy Ghost right after offering every Sunday at 12:45 pm.

It was at that time that it occurred to me that we were fighting over the front seat.

Yes. 

We are fighting over the front seat.
Not over world peace.
Not over pro-life or pro-choice.
Not Michael Jackson or Prince.
Not Coke or Pepsi.
The. 
Front. 
Seat.

Next thing I know, we're being separated and pulled away from each other and my boy lets us all know that unless we chill out, nobody was going to Wendy's.  Needless to say, we all straightened up rather quickly and I got my seat (along with a stiff neck, swollen lip and sore temple).

I thought about it during the aftermath as I gummed my Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.

You just someone fought over the front seat. 
Was it really worth it?



You bet your auntie's tough tits it was.

Before I let you go, let me know about a time you've had a dumb disagreement/fight/altercation.

That's my time.

Swinging for the Fences.

The other day, I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine about some things and we got on the topic of dating. It seems this gentleman (who will remain nameless due to the stupid comments to follow) had a gripe about trying to find a companion to spend time with in today's society and lamented about how hard it was to find the right person. I've had my share of pitfalls going back and forth in the dating game but I can't say that my compadre made it easy on himself. This guy insisted on pursuing a particular type of woman he was interested in and refused to budge from his list of lust.

This wouldn't be so bad if he were looking for specific items like literacy, no venereal diseases or possessing a full set of teeth. No, no - he wanted things like: must be a size 4 or smaller, shorter than 5'5 and absolutely no children. Keep in mind, he is an educated dude with a nice heart but the good Lord didn't necessarily bless him with rugged looks or a salary to compensate for those things.



I had to stop and let him know this sound piece of advice:
STOP SWINGING FOR HOME RUNS.
JUST GET YOUR BUTT ON BASE FIRST.

Instead of trying to find someone to be the perfect mate, stop being picky and just find A DATE.
Hey, that rhymed. No Al Sharpton.

Seriously though, you'd be surprised what's waiting out there. It's not all bad out there.


Yes, I know it's shocking.

After setting him straight, I jumped back on to chat with a few more of my friends and the homie Buffalo Wings hit me up to catch me up on some things. It seems that Buff hooked up an jobless acquaintance with a lead on some employment and that person neglected to even follow up on the lead because "the paper wasn't large enough".

Cue Antoine Dodson.


Last time, I checked zero plus zero equals zero. I'd much rather have my pockets filled with extra medium paper rather none at all.

I'm just sayin'...

Again, stay in your lane.

Stop swinging for home runs.

You'll get yours in due time.

That's my time.
----------------------
Before I let you go (no BlackStreet), let me know if I'm off-base or if you know any of these delusional folks out here in the streets.

- Smart Guy

Smart Music Mondays: The Magnavox Masterpiece, Volume 1

The newest installment in the Smart Sounds series. Check it out!

The A Side
Yahzarah - Strike Up The Band
Jay-Z - Summer in Brooklyn (Quincy Jones Cookin' Soul Remix)
Camp Lo - Coolie High
The Notorious B.I.G - The World Is Filled...
Miguel - All I Want Is You
Electric Wire Hustle - Perception
OutKast - Jazzy Belle (Dwele Mix)
Sade - Keep Looking
B.o.B - Fame
Drake - Show Me A Good Time
Vigilant - Feel Good Music
Cee-Lo - I Want You
Miles Bonny - Learnin' To Fly
Ryan Leslie - Addiction [SIIK rmx]
Maroon 5 - Goodnight Goodnight [KNO rmx]
The Foreign Exchange - Nic's Groove
Mos Def - Got
Kanye West - We Major (The Kickdrums Remix)

DOWNLOAD

The B Side
Curren$y - Skybourne
Rick Ross - Aston Martin Music [rmx]
Big Boi - Shutterbugg
Re@l Talk - Move On
Benamin - Apollo 13
Lupe Fiasco - Go To Sleep
Slakah The Beatchild - Share
Tweek - So Natural
The Stuyvesants - Panty Dropper
Childish Gambino - Got This Money
Freebass 808 - Rewind
Peter Hadar - Party All Night
Nero - Can't Wait
Janelle Monae - Tightrope [Wondamix]
Common - GO!
Talib Kweli - Soon the New Day
Lloyd - Hazel
Erykah Badu - Back In The Day (Puff)

DOWNLOAD

Let me know your thoughts...

That's my time.

The links should work now...

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. 2: This Is Not The Super Bowl, Dammit!

Ohhhhhhhhh I am back, and with a vengeance.

Let's skip the pleasantries and get down to it.

I was talking to a cousin on the phone the other day, and she was describing her new man which is actually a guy she has known for years but they finally realized they like each other (such a cliche movie, I know).

Anyways, she went down the list of great qualities:

* his single status
* looks
* style
* stable job
* no kids (I strongly advised her to do a background check to confirm that, as wrong as that may be)


She droned on and on about what a great guy he was, but she was perplexed as to why they haven't discussed marriage yet. It took me a second, but I quickly realized I hadn't asked a pertinent question.

Me: "Cuz, how long have you all been dating?"
Cuz: "Three months."

What ensued was a verbal onslaught the likes that have not been seen since Eddie Murphy performing Raw.



I was thoroughly incensed at this blatant disregard for the dating process, which I will get into the necessities of at another time, just because "I love him and I'm getting old" in her view (she's 28...). I lectured, cursed, and questioned her for the next 25 minutes over the absurdity of her statement. Whatever point I would bring up, she would always come back to the fact that she was ready to get married. When I asked her why she was ready to get married, her response was simply "Because I am".

After getting off the phone thoroughly frustrated, I eventually realized that this rationale is not her fault. Mostly, it's her mother's fault, her girlfriends fault, and to a lesser degree - society's fault. And before you say it, yes, I did blame the women, and no, men aren't at fault. Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain.

The problem is that she doesn't want marriage, she wants to get married. Meaning that she unconsciously is not looking forward to a long life with this man, but she is focused on the act of getting married. Specifically, she wants her dream wedding. Oh... you can picture it now, a beautiful summer day, 12 bridesmaids, the flowing white dress, 400 people in attendance, the 2 carat diamond princess cut solitaire, the sit down catered reception, the first dance, all just for her.




And this is where women fail in dating, and it's one of the major reasons the divorce rate is skyrocketing. Too much concern about the wedding day, not nearly enough concern about the next 6000 days and how to make the marriage work. So the question is why are women like this? Unfortunately, it starts early. Movies show the fairy tale wedding but never what happened after that. Their mothers are always asking "When are you getting married" instead of asking "When are you going to find a good man to spend the rest of your life with?" They see their girlfriends get married and want that day for themselves. Their friends lie to them about how great their marriage is when in fact it's more Ike and Tina then Barack and Michelle.




They are tired of seeing all the bridesmaid dresses in their closet.



Society looks at them and wonders what's wrong with them if they aren't married, which feeds into the insecurity and leads to a rush to get married, hence the dilemma my cousin now finds herself in.


We have failed our women. We have taught them that the wedding is the Super Bowl, the end all be all, the greatest experience in their lifetime, when in fact it is just the beginning of a longggg season, much more similar to NASCAR and the Daytona 500. I challenge you all from here on in, kill the talk about getting married and start asking about happiness and whether they are ready for marriage, which is a totally different question. Maybe we can stop some of these train wrecks before they start.

That's my take. What do you think? Did I miss something in this post?

BLH

It Ain't My Fault. No Silkk.

What's good, folks? I hope all is well with you.



I got the chance to see Kevin Hart at Zanies the other evening and of course, hilarity ensued. He waxed poetic about a myriad of topics, including drug abuse, family life and living within your means. He also introduced a couple of comedians, Comedian Spank and Na'im Lynn. Both of those cats were hilarious as well but Na'im said something that really stuck with me.

He made the statement that 80% of the time when men cheat, it is NOT the woman's fault due to the woman not being able to have multiple vaginal areas. I agreed with him for the most part as some of my fellow gender mates have the propensity to revert to child-like status (i.e. fall prey to the can't follow the look but don't touch rule) when introduced to someone's well-developed daughter's impressive physical attributes. But that's not what I'm here to discuss today.

No, no, I say - those fellows are easy targets.

Today, I'm going after the real culprits, the women who allow men to do relationship things without being in a real relationship.

Chances are - you know one of these individuals.

She boastfully speaks about great her man is and all the amazing things that do. The plain truth is he ain't that great and if they do anything amazing at all, it usually involves prophylactics (wrap it up, B!), whipped cream and lowered inhibitions. This woman usually perpetrates about a myriad of things but when it comes to this faux relationship, she has the answers for every "silly" question you might have.

For example:
Keisha: My man sho is good to me. I think he's the one.

Concerned Friend: Why is that?
Keisha: Gurl, he make my toes curl and he dress real nice.

Concerned Friend: What do y'all do for fun?
Keisha: He just like to hang out at the house and cuddle with me.
SMART GUY SIDEBAR: If a guy does not take you outside of the house for a date more than 2 times a month MINIMUM, you are not his girlfriend. You are his concubine.

Concerned Friend: Oh. Um. Well, how does he treat his mama?
Keisha: He love her a lot. He be leaving out of the room all the time to talk to her.
SMART GUY SIDEBAR: If a guy leaves the room to talk on the phone repeatedly, you are not his girlfriend. You are the sideline chick. Any man who is invested in you will be unafraid to talk right there in front of you because he has nothing to hide.


Concerned Friend: Have you met any of his friends?
Keisha: Naw, not yet.



Concerned Friend: How long have you been dating?

Keisha: Six months.

SMART GUY SIDEBAR: If it has been six months and you still haven't met any of his friends, I must hasten you to call the police because that man is abducting your feminine feel-good (and also your common sense). A man who is really feeling a woman can't wait to tell his friends about her and will make plans for them to meet (partially because some dudes want to here how well they did in choosing their mate.)


All in all, Keisha does not have a man. She has a moan.

Easy mistake, I suppose as the two words do look awfully similar.

In the end, the likelihood of Keisha's moan becoming a man are pretty slim and chances are Keisha will find about some other woman and she'll cry about how men are dogs and she should have never gave him head kissed him on the first night.

In reality, what she should have done is set the boundaries of the relationship from the start and set ground rules of what she expects in the long run.

But that's just my take... what say you?

Am I offbase? Do you agree?

Let me know.

That's my time.

wookin' pa nub.

It’s seems nowadays most single people feel a certain way. You’re tired of seeing everyone else fall in love. You can only find buck fuddies, OPP’s (other people’s property), lunatics or people who want to be just friends. (Everyone can understand this. At one point or another, you are content for everyone else who is finding that special someone, but, hell, it ain’t you… so [bleep] them!) You are yearning to find a love of your own and unless you live in the land of make-believe, Prince (or Princess Charming) is probably not on their trusty steed, waiting to save you from your current plight.


With that being said, you have to start somewhere.
Waiting on the corner with a sign is more likely to illicit stares, whistles and police sirens than a potential mate. Trying to find a companion is harder than a 16 year old watching the Greatest Licks Hits of Karrine Steffans. It’s a science, an art, a great ability and definitely not an easy task.


How sure are you that you're looking in the right place?
You could be at the supermarket, squeezing melons for their ripeness and Mister/Miss Right could be an aisle away. Think about it. Romance can come from anywhere and any form. Finding it is the most difficult game you'll ever play. And more often than not, it shows up where you're not looking for it (like that movie that you ended up buying again because your boy had stole it).


I'm not one who puts faith in things like horoscopes, luck or fate, but you can't help but wonder about those people got together by circumstances. You know them: the dude who met his girl at that set he almost left early, the chick who wanted her future beau’s best friend to be interested in her - maybe some of y'all should just wearing four-leaf clovers, eating Lucky Charms and carrying a rabbit’s foot everywhere you go.


You probably are pissed at me now because I’m making things harder for to deal with. 
Not only do I have to have some semblance of sanity, but I have to be lucky, too? Damn!


Not necessarily; unlike in the casinos, this is one of those areas where you can create your own destiny. Just be in the right place at the right time, strategically placed with [insert romantic gift here] and look alluring.  


That’s not so hard, is it?


Now, you have to decide where to find this romance… mmmm… still thinking, trying to figure it out….


OK, you have to look nowhere (don’t want to seem needy) and everywhere (be ready for anything).
It's complex simplicity.


I'm not telling you to stalk your love-to-be with tokens of affection. Do you really want to tell your grandchildren that you were dippin' it low when you met Big Daddy?


Probably not. 


Please don’t think I want you to sit at home and count the holes in your Swiss cheese, either. Just realize that romance can be just down the street, around the corner, or even next door. You just have to be ready to let that vacancy be filled in your Heartbreak Hotel.


You also have to be open to other avenues. Personals, dating services, and meeting people on the Internet have been known to work once in a while (as desperate as that might seem). Now, I'm sure you're looking crazy at your computer screen, shaking your head and thinking that only ugly people sink that low. You also might think that any of those three is a sure-fire way to meet some lunatic, nut-job or freak. However, you probably know someone who has tried the traditional ways of meeting people and still met lunatics, nut-jobs and freaks. Might as well give it a try; being alone is only OK for so long.

But, Mr. Smart Guy, I’m not just going to go out with any Tom, Dick or Rodrigo. 
Why the hell not?



What other options do you really have?
The dude with the lazy eye your aunt is trying to introduce to you?
The chick with the Steve Harvey mustache who gave the eye at Waffle House?

To be happy, you have to throw out your rules:
"I like chicks that are light-skinneded with big boobs."
"He gotta make X amount of money and no kids."
"I ain’t messin with no one who ain’t got a car." 
What ever happened to falling in love with a nigga with a bus pass?!!!


Of all my advice, this is the most important rule to take with you. It doesn’t matter what ways you go about finding someone if you stay too selective. I once heard from a wise soul that selection can be the progression to your erection so always use your discretion.
I still have no idea what that means. 

Know that your lover man could make enough to provide a family (yours and his) or his car could be in the shop. Your dream girl could be that brown-skinned cutie with a big old booty. Keep your eyes and your mind open. It doesn't guarantee that you'll find love, but it will definitely increase your chances.


Be on the lookout. Keep perusing the area for the right person. Leave yourself open, but don't look desperate. That's never good. If you happen to meet a few lunatics along the way, don't give up --- but if it doesn’t work out, there is always reading my stuff…


Until next time…

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Numero One.

I'm pleased to introduce a new writer on board and he's well-versed in the affairs of the heart. He's pretty knowledgeable in the game. I would say more but I'll let his words do the speaking for him. Give some love to the BootLeg Hitch! - Mr. Smart Guy

Allow me to introduce myself - I like to call myself the Bootleg Hitch. I've got great advice for men and women minus the money and sculpted physique of the fictional Hitch character, hence the bootleg version. Anyways, I see a deficit in good advice for men and women who are any type of relationship (from marriage to booty calls) but mainly, my advice will focus on the pursuit of relationships. Let's get to it.

The number 1 question I get from guys:

"How can I be certain to get those digits?"

Such a loaded question, but a great one. By far, the most difficult task is the first one. So many things have to go right for this to happen but it's far from impossible. Follow these simple steps and you will increase your odds to definitely north of 50%

1. The hygiene game must be on point.

It is amazing how many guys fail themselves on this one alone, which merits an automatic disqualification for women faster than a wrestler using a chair in an old WWF match.



A shower, mints, cologne, and a decent line are minimum requirements. No woman wants to know that you train monkeys for Ringling Bros. by the time you finish your first handshake.

2. NEVER approach a woman in a group of 3 or more without a wingman...

Like raw meat thrown to a pack of hyenas, you are asking to get eaten alive. The ratio of women to men can never be more than 2:1. Trust me, I've done the research.



3. ...unless you are going to give her a compliment and immediately walk away.

This is a technique rarely used but highly effective. The compliment puts a smile on her face, gets her to notice you, and when she inevitably tells her friends what you said, they put the knives away. On the flip side, you don't have to stand there and fight for attention while the other friends look at you with the evil eye for not choosing them, and if she likes you, she will make certain you get the opportunity for some one-on-one time.




4. Pay attention.

This piece of advice is of the utmost importance. Notice what drink she is ordering. Watch who she is watching, what she is laughing at and if she is grooving to a particular song. Use it to your advantage. Nothing will impress a lady more than if you can see she is grooving to Prince, walk over and discuss his value as a great artist, then ask her if she wants another drink and ordering it BEFORE she tells you what she is drinking. It means you cared enough to pay attention, and all women want someone who notices the small stuff.

That’s all for now. I'll be sharing more with you all in the coming columns. In addition, any questions you want answered for your truly - by all means, please post to the page.

Were these tips on point, people?

Let me know what you think...

The BLH (BootLeg Hitch)