Friday, January 27, 2006

gotta getcha.

Friday: Gateway to the weekend. Friday, baby, the first official day of the weekend, anything's possible. Time is trying to slow me down, but I will not be stopped, I'm counting the minutes until I gain my freedom from this penitentiary of an office. Why am I so geeked you might ask? Well, for one thing, my homeboy Zero K is coming in town today and we are going to club-hop, drink a bit, and do all those other regular guy things that make you glad to be a young Black unmarried man in America. Speaking of clubs, I should probably figure out which venue I'll be blessing with my presence tonight - I gotta make it do what it do, baby. See, me and the clubs have a weird love-hate relationship.... At times the whole club atmosphere can make me down right sick - over-priced watered-down drinks, over-crowded dance floors and ignant (yes, I said ignant, not ignorant) bouncers can really piss me off, but on a good night? Oh, on a good night.... the GLOW (watch out, ShoNuff) consumes me and frees my true personality[DISCLAIMER: A good night usually occurs when the regular club atmosphere isn't in effect and the ladies aren't acting like everybody in there is their evil ex-boyfriend]; and the club becomes my exotic playground.

The ladies at the clubs (or any other random social event) that I've gone to are difficult to read at times (hell, women are just hard to read, in general). First of all, they tend to travel in packs (some might call it a gang) and will inflict punishment on any guy who doesn’t step correctly. To get at one, you've got to talk to all of the main chick's ugly friends (like the one below).

If you manage to get past them, and you finally get a chance at the one you've been eyeing, you've got to come up with some quick, creative game to make sure you don't lose their attention.

For this type of obstacle, you have to prepare. How? (Some might say…) Well, I thought about that same thing until I talked my home-girl Nyberg and my other elite team of trained consultants. Together we came up with the Welcome to the Game Commandments: the Step-By-Step Booklet (for you to get them digits and to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back)™.

Here are some excerpts:

  • Don’t be a stalker. (Show genuine interest by a few light glances, but do anything like following a chick, gawking, or talking loudly about how fat her and her friend’s asses are.)

  • Make sure your breath is on point. (There’s nothing worse than trying to talk to a female and you smell like you’ve been licking spoiled armpits or old cheese.

  • Walk up with confidence. Don’t be too cocky, but don't allow the friends to cock-block. (Buy them drinks and weed, don’t offer to pay off their student loans though)

  • Offer an activity. "Would you like to join me in VIP?", "Would you like to dance?", “Can I get you a plate?” It works, and it shows your interest. (Don’t ask if she can bounce that ass for you or if you can make a movie – it probably won’t go over that well.)

  • Be yourself. Don’t try to overdo it with ridiculous lines or forced conversation about subjects you have no knowledge of. (Example of a terrible line; do not EVER attempt to use: are you a thief – cuz’ you jus’ stole my heart…)[line actually was used in my presence – uncontrollable laughter and finger-pointing ensued]

Follow these steps and you probably won’t get lynched because 50% of the time, this manual works every time. Happy club-hoppin’ and use protection (so you won't end up with a family picture like this). Can somebody lend a brotha a coupla’ dollars for the cover charge? Times are hard…
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