Tuesday, April 25, 2006

movin' on.... up?

Hey everyone, hope you all had a good weekend. Mine was interesting... to say the least – I did a number of things. First, I helped my friend The Great White Hope and his very pregnant wife move. We discussed this plan earlier in the week and we decided to take care of everything on Saturday. I arrived at his apartment early Saturday morning; ready to get the show started so I could have the rest of my day to chill.

That was the wrong thing to assume seeing that not a box was packed in the entire household. Great White assured me that it was nothing and it would be an easy move. Rule of thumb: When someone assures you of something like this, chances are they are lying to you. As I began to exert my energy, picking up table after table, I asked Great White when the rest of the help was coming. He looked at me quizzically and told me that it was just us but we could handle it easily in an hour, hour and a half at the most. This is usually the point in time where angry Jorge surfaces and begins to bitch-slap Great White for not being prepared to move.

Luckily for him, I was in a good mood and I prepared myself for the worst. I just accepted this and continued to move things as rapidly as I could. Great White’s wife kept offering verbal encouragement: Come on, guys – you can do it! We’re almost done in here! Look, this stuff is heavy and I’m starting to sweat like I’m being interrogated. I can do without your shrill “Go Team Go” cheers in my ear every 5 seconds.
Angry Jorge has arrived, folks!

While this is all going on, Great White’s turd of a dog gets out and starts running around like she’s being chased by the cops. She starts barking like crazy until she gets to my leg, where she starts licking me like I’m a giant doggie biscuit.
Get the hell away from me, crazy dog… I’ll punt you down the street. Needless to say, this adventure slowed is down quite a bit but know that, I was not deterred. Sweaty, sticky from doggie saliva and visibly peeved, I kept working diligently.

Finally, we got everything loaded into the truck ---- 3 ½ hours later.

We hit the road – and Great White assures me that this will be a quick trip. Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrreeeee… and Michael Jackson really is Black.
Forty-five minutes later we arrive at our destination… and to my horror, I discover that we are miles from regular civilization. We pull up to the new house and people start glaring from their porches. I am bit nervous – the place looks like it should be somewhere in the Jim Crow 60’s, right down to the segregated water fountains. I swear I saw someone making a knot in a rope…

After checking my pants to see if I still had control of all of bodily functions, I ran to the back of the truck and started moving things out like clockwork… you know before the “welcome wagon” came. We’re moving in everything so much quicker than we moved out – things are good --- until a mosquito the size of my head tried to attack Great White. He screamed like a virgin when she first gets her cherry popped (with no lubrication). Did I mention I was holding the couch at the time? Sonuvabitch!

By this time, I was extra pissed so I think I started to slam boxes down. Sorry about the dishes, Great White. Great White sensed my animosity so he began to hasten his work as well. We finished everything in about thirty minutes --- and headed back to the city.


It’s Great White’s wife. She asks us to make a detour at her friend’s house to pick up a bassinet for the baby --- so we head over to collect it. It takes us about twenty minutes out of the way but it’s cool… it’s the last thing we have to do.

We arrive at the friend’s house and see no cars in the driveway. Hmm, that’s interesting – there are no cars here… surely someone must be home. Alas, Great White rings the doorbell and --- you guessed it… no one answered. Great White calls his wife back and she tells him to check to see if the garage door was locked. I decide to stay in the truck for this one… something is not kosher about people pulling up garage doors without the owner’s being present. Great White, walk away from the door quickly.

Turns out the door was open (needless to say, we weren’t in the hood), but the bassinet wasn’t in there. Oh, well… I’m just glad we finally finished… in the future; I will not be taking any requests for moving. I’ll talk to y’all later. I have a date with some Icy Hot and a bathtub from Epsom Salt.

Bruised and amused until Thursday,
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