Thursday, May 18, 2006

Guest 4: Puberty Blues

Day 4 of Guest Blog Week brings in an interesting character from the land of MySpace. His stories have me literally laughing out loud at work, prompting people to give me the "are you feeling alright" look... his name speaks for itself, Lover of 3 Enchiladas. Let's show him some love, speak family!

Yes, yes, yes, I’ve gone through puberty. Thanks for the doubt though. I appreciate my youthful look. :)

Guys, we’ve all heard from women what it’s like to have the monthly flow, to cramp, to have hormones rush through their system, etc. They think they have it far worse than we do. Well, perhaps they do. But are things that guys go through that should not be looked down upon, because they SUCK.

When I went to school my freshman year, my voice had dropped about 2 octaves. All the girls asked me if they could throw me a puberty party. Ok, if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, the two years prior to this and the two years after this were surrounded with uncontrollable “rises.”

The wind could blow, and I would “cowboy up” right then and there, on a soccer field, while playing a game. WTH? Bus trips were the ABSOLUTE worst! Those vibrations went straight to my guy in between my legs. Yes, folks, we have a champion! Great, the bus stopped now? And we have to get off? And I’m wearing sweatpants and boxers?

Sometimes, during this phase of growing chest and armpit hair, “tents” happen simply from having to go to the bathroom. If you have a sexual thought at all…you’re lookin up.

So, what are the things that guys do to avoid being noticed?

Now the first and most common method to hide a boner is the “have it poke up through your pants, behind your belt, behind your shirt” trick. It’s uncomfortable, but your belt will keep him nice and snug in place until the blood drains, and the shirt will hide any protruding bulge due to it.

I remember when I was 15; I was in church with a girlfriend of mine. I was wearing loose khaki pants and silk boxers. She touched my leg as she sat down. I obviously rose to the occasion. Literally about ½ a second later, the preacher said, “everyone, please stand.” Since I was now holding her hand, there was NO way I could tuck behind my belt… so I put my hand in my pocket, grabbed my piece, and pulled him over to the side, leaving my hand in my pocket. Sure, everyone was raising their hands but me, but at least I wasn’t tapping the back of the people in front of me…

It is possible to put him in a downward position, but this rarely works, and you have to be wearing the right pants. I have yet to find other methods that really work.

The other problem:


Especially the first couple years after puberty, but still to this day, pissing is not an easy task when aroused. Morning wood is NO FUN when you’ve got to go. What do you do?
  1. Wait it out – but most of the time this isn’t an option, since you are about to explode.
  2. Put your hands on the back of the toilet…feet as far away from the toilet, and hope you can “get one in the bucket.” You kind of look like Superman (because you haven’t learned at this time how to bend him at all) hoping to not piss all over your face.
  3. Sit on the seat… roll down so your head is almost touching the floor and your member is nearly head deep in water…
  4. Get in the shower and just go.

Aight…I’m gonna end here, today. I’m starting to get long winded. But you get the point. Boners aren’t always what they’re made out to be. Sometimes it is them that suck. (Especially during the pubescent years).

Give Jorge some love, he’s tha shit (also my twin). Thanks, man, for letting me write on your page…

One last, random thought for the day:

American Idol has become the metrosexual’s version of Monday night football. Instead of drinking a beer with your buddy and watching people get their bodies pummeled, you drink a beer with your buddy and watch people sing…

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