Friday, May 19, 2006

Check Those Insecurities At Da Door!

The last entry during guest blogger week is a dear friend of mine from way back in the day, - the days from when my voice was higher than a junkie trippin' off of 6 hits of acid. This cat is hilariously funny in his storytelling (hey, he's almost as funny as I am)... with that being said, let me introduce our final guest blogger of the week, your neighborhood porn star, the INFAMOUS Gregg Calumet!

We all self conscious, I’m just the first to admit it.” - Kanye West

There was a catch-phrase that dominated the mid 90's up until the early 2000's. And yes, YOU were guilty of saying it. Hell, I am guilty; we're all guilty. It wasn't just an urban phenomenon either. People from all walks of life were using it. Writers were writing books on it, talk-show hosts had topics on it... the phrase had a life of its own. However, few if any abided by it. They claim they did, but they REALLY didn't. Ladies & gentlemen - I’m talking about keepin' it real. Man, I get fired up just thinking about keepin' it real cuz I swore I was always keepin' it real and to this day I still do. Because I'm the realest of the real. Sometimes.

I had an epiphany. No, that is not Ayesha's sister; it is comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization. (Blank stares from audience). Negro, something became clear to me. (Everyone in unison, "Ohhh.")

WE CANNOT FULLY KEEP IT REAL UNTIL WE UNBURDEN OURSELVES OF THE BULLSHIT WE CARRY. And this manifests itself mainly in the form of insecurities.

Aaah, insecurities. We all have them. They loom in the back of our minds. You don't have to have low self-esteem to be insecure either. Ever notice if someone funky walks into the room another person nonchalantly sniffs his/her armpits. Even when he/she knows good and well they already have a ton of Sure on. Oh... maybe that’s just me. Well, that's insecurity in its minimalist form. Insecurities result from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected. It is a sense of not fitting in with those in your peer group. Folks, this didn't disappear from our lives once we left high school. If anything, it followed us into adulthood if we didn't check it back then. Here I have listed some insecurities that men and women share:

1. Body Image
In this age of liposuction, Extreme Makeover, and gym obsession we have been bombarded with extreme images of what we should look like. What is the world coming to? Sisters with more silicone in their bra than on the beach; white women with lips bigger than Mick Jagger's and Angelina Jolie's love child. And men, this ain't just a woman problem. Ever since I was in 4th grade, I’ve been a bit on the chunky side, but thanks to hiking up all those hills on Tuskegee's campus, I have maintained a healthy weight since. Moreover, I've come to accept that I'll never have a body like LL. Or Usher. Or The Rock. Damnit! I'm going to keep it real. I want to have a body like that. When I go to the campus gym, a.k.a. the Meat Market, I have to deal with Chadwick of DFT or T-Bone, the football team's lead linebacker, pushing 450 on the bench press. Their "guns" are Uzi's compared to my water pistols. The videos, magazines, movies, and America’s obesity problem have made us more conscious of our body image. Even children's toys. Look at Barbie - that ho would topple over in real life with those body measurements. GI Joe, you say? The military must have a "don’t ask, don’t tell" steroid policy. But to what extent should I go to be lean? I don't have high blood pressure, I eat in moderation, and I get more than the recommended 30 minutes a day of exercising. I know if I hit the weights 5x a week, locate Barry Bonds' supplier, and eat raw eggs I can quite possibly have the body of Adonis. But once I have it - will I be happier? Am I doing it for others or for myself? Why do I feel I have to look like D'Angelo’s "Untitled" video? I'm just keeping it real.

2. Education
I have to admit I agree with Kanye's ranting about higher education on his albums; albeit he does take it to an extreme - periodically. What is it about that piece of paper? Don't get it twisted - I am TOTALLY proud of my degree. I was the first in my immediate family to get one. Now, I'm working on the master's and I am looking into PhD programs. Damnit, dog, do you need all those? Why, of course I do. I want a lavish home (after I pay my student loans in 40 years), a cream-colored sedan with leather interior, and I want society to know without a doubt, I am an educated Black man. I also want Sharonda to want me. Ya’ll know Sharonda. The sister is already making $85,000; she got a condo on the lakefront; listens to neo-soul, and got a body like Gabrielle Union. I'm trying to secure a future for the both of us, and I know she wouldn't even give me the time of the day unless I had the papers - degrees & cash. GED? Forget it. Living in momma's basement? See ya! I gotta have my game tight to be with her. So if it takes 6 degrees to get her and make me feel better about myself - then I am going to do it. But in attaining our future security, am I hiding my insecurities? When does that B.S. stop being BS? Maybe she would be just as happy with a brother who is working at Burger King as long as he is true and legit. I'm just keeping it real.

3. Penis Size
Haaaaahaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Take a breath) Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(take another breath) Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (whew)

Sorry, dog. This is one thing I am 100% secure on, ya heard. Next!!!

4. Joining Organizations
I have yet to discover why having three letters on your chest makes some individuals act the damn fool? Fraternities and sororities can harbor some of the most insecure people. Let's really keep it real. Now, I wouldn't take back my pledging experience for nothing in the world, but for those who have pledged a stark reality becomes evident. Maybe the person standing next to you isn't after that brotherly/sisterly love and community service. No, no, no. They want to stroll at the parties, drink the punch, and torture next semester's crop of wannabes. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Think about it... So-and-so used to be your homegirl. Y'all ate in the cafĂ© together, you helped her with her homework, and you didn't judge her when she slept with half the basketball team. However, once she got that pink and green, homegirl had a new lease on life! That skinny freshman you joked about can be the "best thing since sliced bread" once he twirls a striped cane or rock gold boots. Sadly, some individuals just feel they have to "belong." They have an incomplete complex and feel an organization will complete them. And ultimately disguise their lack of confidence. This doesn't strictly apply to Greek-lettered organizations. Maybe you are the person who has to be in every ministry at church. Maybe you are the one at work who has to lead all the meetings and group project. Time to keep it real.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I could have given more examples, but I don't want to be too preachy (Well, well). God forbid, though, I don’t want to resurface "keep it real" either. That dead horse has been beaten enough. However, if we can be real about our insecurities, maybe we can be a little realer than what we were before. Then we can be less
preoccupied with that extra 5 pounds; earning another degree; joining every organization under the sun... or the size of your penis.

Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Take a breath) Hahahahahahhahahahahahaha! (Wiping tear from eye) Hehehehehe!!!! Okay, okay... ha-ha!

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