Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'm Back...

Good morning/afternoon, everyone... sorry for the late post. I know you all must be thinking that I must be crazy for putting this out so late - even after I had a week of guest bloggers. All I can say is that things have been hectic for me. I am still extra tired from the events that occurred last weekend - but alas, the show must go on.

This past weekend, I traveled to St. Louis to see my little cousin graduate (did I mention he's 6'4"). I was going off of 3 hours of sleep (don't ask) and I had to work the entire day at the real gig. Needless to say, the normally short 4-hour drive seemed endless. I was stuck behind an 18-wheeler that was going 10 miles under the speed limit (and carrying something that smelled like it had been killed several times - in the last decade). To top it off, I hadn't eaten all day and all I kept seeing was advertisements for somebody's doggone restaurant! Ain't that a BLEEP!

After all was said and done, I arrived at my aunt's house, tired, hungry and a bit irritated. All I wanted to was to put something in my stomach, get some peaceful space to lay down in and rest my weary body... but you know, it wouldn't be a story if it was that simple. I grabbed my things out of the car and walked into a household - full of people. At that point, I was tempted to sleep in my car - but it still smelled like horse diarrhea. I decided to man up and submit to the masses, who were definitely living it up.

People were drinking large amounts of liquor, frying chicken (while their hair done in the kitchen), playing cards, kids running around with no pants on, dog humping people's legs - it looked like the picture that's rolling during the credits at the end of Good Times.

The even worse thing was that even more people were on their way. I didn't even try to stay up any longer - I just found a spot on the couch and passed out from sheer exhaustion.

When I woke up (or is it awakened) the next morning, the house was in shambles and people were fighting over who could get into the bathroom. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks - we have 20 people and 8 tickets - how in the world are we going to pull this one off?

My aunt ended up calling around frantically, trying to find extras and trying to get herself dressed and to the graduation on time. Of course, we ended up being 15 minutes late and arrived to a line wrapped around the auditorium (they were also filled with people who looked like this).
Apparently, seats were limited so they were keeping people outside for safety precautions. Guess sneaking in is out, huh...?

We ended up having to send some family members back to the house (not enough tickets) and literally climb over people to some nosebleed seats at what turned out to be one of the longest graduations of all time. Somehow, my aunt and I hustled our way into some big-time seats at the bottom - and ended up behind a guy who was a "semi-celebrity" (you know the guy: the one or two pilot guy who hasn't decided to give up his 15 minutes of fame yet).
Anyway, the SC is talking to his "entourage" and this big, burly fella next to us started quivering and foaming at the mouth, deciding whether or not to tap him.

After getting pelted with projectiles of spittle for about 30 seconds, I decided to get the SC's attention so this obvious fan could get an autograph. This is what followed:

Quivering Fan: Huh? [visibly nervous]
Me: [laughing uncontrollably]
Quivering Fan: What? [still visibly nervous]
Me: [laughing uncontrollably]
Quivering Fan: [obviously not understanding] WHAT?!!
Me: [still laughing uncontrollably, starting to tear up]

I half-expected to Samuel L. Jackson to emerge dressed as Jules from Pulp Fiction, saying: SAY WHAT ONE MORE COTD@MN TIME!!! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!

Eventually, the fan got the hint and things proceeded as normal (while the fan cursed out the SC in several languages) and we finally arrived at the main event - the graduate processional across the stage. My aunt handed me the disposable camera and told me to get ready for a close-up. I examined to the camera closely. WTF?!!! There were no exposures on the film! Who comes to a graduation with no film for the camera? Apparently, my family.

Upon realization of this, my aunt gets all hysterical and it's up to me to come up with a solution - so I begin to think. WWMD [What Would McGuyver Do]? He'd probably take a sock, some gum, a zipper and 2 bobby pins and make a digital camera. Too bad I don't have that genius so I decided to use my camera phone... yes, I know it's bootleg but desperate times call for desperate measures... and they turned out pretty clear as well.

After all of that excitement, I guess I was worn out. Wouldn't you be too? See y'all back on Thursday!

- Jorge

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