Thursday, July 20, 2006

Bacon. Burger. Dog.

From Jell-O Pudding Pops to Jell-O Shots and P**** POP-PIN.

God Bless Him.

Yeah, I know I'm a little late (two years - to be exact) , but I really hadn't thought much about this issue until I recalled a book I read recently by Michael Eric Dyson entitled “Is Bill Cosby Right?” It called to mind something Brittni told me a while ago, “Let a person get a little money and all of a sudden, he forgets he was raised on chitlins, yellow cake, Palmolive bubble baths and red Kool-Aid!”

I don’t know about the chitlins’ part, but I can sympathize with the yellow cake, dishwashing liquid baths (we couldn't afford Mr. Bubble) and the colored (as opposed to flavored) Kool-Aid names. Ahhh, good times... good times. Er, um, but I digress.

Cosby, or Bishop Bill Magic Juan, as I like to call him, has been a public icon for decades. His comedic style has entertained generations of viewers for the past 30 years. Even his Fat Albert characters made a brief resurgence in the hip-hop culture, after brothers decided it was cool to be retro. When Mr. Cosby began production on his most popular work, The Cosby Show, he had Americans (black and White alike) eating out of the palm of his Jell-O pudding stained hands (there’s always room for Jell-O!). Why is it that Bishop Bill was not apt to leave well enough alone?

Cosby’s well-documented rant on the pitfalls of the Black community (“Lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids – $500 sneakers for what? And won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics.”) resounded across the globe. I think Bill was a little pissed. I understand Bill's angst - some priorities have been displaced in this day and age but can somebody tell me where in the hell I can see some $500 sneakers? Those suckers have GOT to be the truth! Oops, I’ve gone off on a tangent again.

Where was I? Ah, yes…Bishop Bill. Though his outburst was a bit off the deep end, and for the record, I do not agree that all lower class people sit on their porches drinking 40's or allowing their children to run wild throughout the mall yelling “coon” or “nigger” at one another. I do, however, understand his frustration at a culture, our culture, which has failed to take responsibility for its own shortcomings and proactively devise a strategic plan for uplifting the community. We can only blame the Man for so much, folks.

So, in honor of Bishop Bill AKA Uncle Ruckus, I am submitting a list of people that should be kicked out of the Black race. I think that once we get rid of the few bad apples, we can start working on the rest of you good-for-nothings.

The You Ain't Gotta Go Home But You Gots to Get the Hell Outta Here List
(Once again, in no particular order)

Al Sharpton
The perm pretty much says it all.

Bishop Don Magic Juan
Not only is this man not affiliated with any particular church, I don’t think he knows any magic tricks either. He gets put out for being misleading.

The Ying Yang Twinz
Having matching deformities does not make you twins. In addition, that noise they make really disturbs me.

Flavor Flav
Public Enemy #1!
Lose the big-ass clock; stop looking for love in hood-rats from Hollywood and get off the crack!

Trick Daddy
For coining the phrase “Trick luh the kids.”

Clarence Thomas
I don’t have to explain this one, do I?

Will Smith
For making uncool people say “Jiggy” and giving us the false hope that we can leave the ‘hood and move to Bel-Air with a rich uncle…
(Smith is allowed weekend passes, however, to visit Jada)

Lil' Jon and his Merry Men (I mean the Eastside Boyz)
For inspiring people to say YEAH! every five minutes... (a close runner-up is the group who inspired the WZAP Budweiser commercial)

And last but not least....

Whitney Houston
Hell to the naw. Hell to the naw.

Send your comments, feel free to add nominees…

The only reason that black people have topped the white man when it comes to cooking pork is that, in his words, "His big brain is just focused on more important things, like running the world and spaceships."

Uncle Ruckus

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