Good afternoon, everyone. I'm finally back from my mini-vacation (that wasn't a vacation). You know that song that's on that commercial: I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere, man. - I feel like I've lived it. In the span of 5 days, I've been to Atlanta, Chicago and Tallahassee. Needless to say I'm a bit worn o
ut like your favorite pair of hole-y socks (that's not saying that I own any hole-y socks or anything...), nevertheless, it's my duty to dispense you all a good blog (and since I don't have one, I'll tell you about my trip instead).
ut like your favorite pair of hole-y socks (that's not saying that I own any hole-y socks or anything...), nevertheless, it's my duty to dispense you all a good blog (and since I don't have one, I'll tell you about my trip instead).
Come along and ride this fantastic voyage!
Thursday
2 PM - Arrived in Atlanta, pick up Sunshine at the Greyhound station.
2:05 PM - Viewed portly, fierce gang of drag queens try to out-vogue each other.
2:07 PM - Wiped tears, drool from self after laughing from the vogue fight (It looked like the 2006 version of Michael Jackson's - Beat It).
2:09 PM - Headed toward I-75 to get to Nashville.
2:29 PM - Moved 1 block (did I mention this was rush hour in ATL?).
5:19 PM - Arrived in Nashville, began packing for trip to Chicago.
10:09 PM - Headed toward Nashville Greyhound Station for 11PM departure.
10:31 PM - Arrived at Nashville Greyhound Station for 11PM departure.
10:49 PM - Relieved that departure is soon to be here.
11:19 PM - Feet begin going numb for standing in one place. Sweat begins to trickle down my back like water. (I think they had heat on in 90 degree weather - it was hotter than two fat people in long johns having sex in a sauna in the desert.)
11:49 PM - Starting to feel light-headed. Sunshine looks like she is ready to stab someone.
12:09 PM - Large man sits down in seat next to line and emits an odor that would make skunks cringe.
12:39 PM - Begin to waver as stench breaks off several of nose hairs. Still no sign of departure.
1:39 AM - Bus entered the terminal.
1:51 AM - Started shouting obscenities at the gang of people who have appeared from nowhere to cut in line.
2:15 AM - Bus departs. Sunshine and I are at the door, watching it leave, shaking fists angrily.
3:00 AM - Finally leave station, bound for Chicago.
Friday
1:15 PM - Arrived in Chicago, drop Sunshine and Mama Sharon off.
2-9 PM - Lounged around in underwear.
9:15 PM - Head out to Crobar with Canela, Chicki, The Long-Haired one and Nyberg to a champagne party.
9:45 PM - Arrive at Crobar.
10:00 PM - Found a free parking space.
10:15 PM - Listened to Nyberg berate bouncer for making her wait in line.
10:20 PM - Absorbed deep breaths after running to the bar for the first drink.
10:45 PM - Got excited about free Cristal.
10:46 PM - Realize it is Cristalino. (WTF?!!!)2 PM - Arrived in Atlanta, pick up Sunshine at the Greyhound station.
2:05 PM - Viewed portly, fierce gang of drag queens try to out-vogue each other.
2:07 PM - Wiped tears, drool from self after laughing from the vogue fight (It looked like the 2006 version of Michael Jackson's - Beat It).
2:09 PM - Headed toward I-75 to get to Nashville.
2:29 PM - Moved 1 block (did I mention this was rush hour in ATL?).
5:19 PM - Arrived in Nashville, began packing for trip to Chicago.
10:09 PM - Headed toward Nashville Greyhound Station for 11PM departure.
10:31 PM - Arrived at Nashville Greyhound Station for 11PM departure.
10:49 PM - Relieved that departure is soon to be here.
11:19 PM - Feet begin going numb for standing in one place. Sweat begins to trickle down my back like water. (I think they had heat on in 90 degree weather - it was hotter than two fat people in long johns having sex in a sauna in the desert.)
11:49 PM - Starting to feel light-headed. Sunshine looks like she is ready to stab someone.
12:09 PM - Large man sits down in seat next to line and emits an odor that would make skunks cringe.
12:39 PM - Begin to waver as stench breaks off several of nose hairs. Still no sign of departure.
1:39 AM - Bus entered the terminal.
1:51 AM - Started shouting obscenities at the gang of people who have appeared from nowhere to cut in line.
2:15 AM - Bus departs. Sunshine and I are at the door, watching it leave, shaking fists angrily.
3:00 AM - Finally leave station, bound for Chicago.
Friday
1:15 PM - Arrived in Chicago, drop Sunshine and Mama Sharon off.
2-9 PM - Lounged around in underwear.
9:15 PM - Head out to Crobar with Canela, Chicki, The Long-Haired one and Nyberg to a champagne party.
9:45 PM - Arrive at Crobar.
10:00 PM - Found a free parking space.
10:15 PM - Listened to Nyberg berate bouncer for making her wait in line.
10:20 PM - Absorbed deep breaths after running to the bar for the first drink.
10:45 PM - Got excited about free Cristal.
10:47 PM - Drink it anyway.11:00 PM - Listen to what seems to be the same song that has been playing for the last hour.
11:15 PM - Watch people get messed up off of free liquor and laugh as they fall down.
11:45 PM - Meet Nyberg's friends, one of whom seems to be a cross-breed of Mike Jones and Big Pooh from Little Brother.
12 AM - CrossBreed introduces us to his lady friend.
12:01 AM - Long Haired One and I look astonished at one another to see how he pulled her.
12:05 AM - Confront CrossBreed and ask how indeed he pulled this girl. He replied: It's been 10 years in the making - tonight is the night, I'll get her.
12:06 AM - Uncontrollable laughter ensues.
1 AM - Nyberg gets on dance floor with a man who apparently can dance with one arm behind his back.
1:03 AM - Nyberg is groped by One Armed Bandit.
1:05 AM - One Armed Bandit is leveled by accidental groin shot by Nyberg.
1:30 AM - Left club with huge case of munchies.
2 AM - Headed to Tempo afterwards for late night grubbing.
2:15 AM - Started emulating One Armed Bandit dancing and accidentally tapped the waitress, who then spilled a cup of hot syrup on Canela. (It landed all on her clothes, in her lap, on her Coach wristlet, and her Blackberry phone. Ordinarily, hot syrup on a chick might be kind of enticing, but this was just plain crazy.)
2:16 AM - Looked away innocently as waitress looks on in shock, scrambling for napkins.
2:17 AM - Canela asks for manager.
2:25 AM - Manager tells Canela he's sorry.
2:26 AM - Canela asks for some type of compensation.
2:27 AM - Manager laughs, offers 20% off the meal (20% off of $13?!).
2:28 AM - Watched the emergence of the ABW [Angry Black Woman] and multiple, unprintable expletives.
2:29 AM - Manager tells Canela she should have more class.
2:40 AM - Police arrive after Canela calls, trying to get the manager deported.
2:45 AM - Drunken businessman begins to try and flirt with Canela, claiming that he's lost his signal.
2:46 AM - Canela and Nyberg simultaneously curse him out in fresh expletives, while rolling their eyes and snapping their necks from side to side in unison.
2:50 AM - The parties headed home - exhausted and still hungry.
Saturday
3:45 PM - Wake up from intoxicated slumber.
4-7 PM - Lounged around in underwear.
7-9 PM - Eat dinner with family. See the Big Broand all the chickadees.
9:30 PM - Pick up Sunshine, 8th Letter, Canela, Holdin Out For A Hero and Aaron to drive around downtown.
11 PM - 2 AM - Chilled at a little burrito joint.
2:30 AM - Arrived @ Canela's.
2:31 AM - Viewed bum, passed in drunken stupor on the sidewalk. (At least, I think it was a bum… and it actually turned out to be a drunken man who passed out and looked to be not breathing. His zipper was a little ripped too. Was he robbed? Fondled by some bum on the street? Did a cabbie kick him out, ever so politely, onto the grassy lawn?)
2:35 AM - Noticed ambulance floating by; waved at him to help us.
2:36 AM - Ambulance waved back – in his own unique way.
2:40 AM - See sirens from a police car (gotta stop hanging with Canela).
2:41 AM - Police begin questioning us (like we were up to no good - what we can't be Good Samaritans or something? If we were going to rob, do you think we'd stay by the scene of the crime?)
2:45 AM - Parted ways with Canela and proceed to drop off Sunshine and Holdin' Out.
3:25 AM - Pull up to this abandoned neighborhood.
3:26 AM - Spot car behind us with several people inside.
3:27 AM - The ladies wake up and proceeded to tell us we were at the wrong house.
3:28 AM - Drove away as quickly as possible when gun shots were fired.
Sunday
I took my butt to church. (Mainly because I was tired from everything else but largely becauseI had to give thanks for making it out of this weekend in one piece!) I hugged a lot of people I don't really remember but seem to know me very well but that's a story for another day(Ain't you such-and-such son? You is gettin' big... you gradauted college yet? I bet you making good money...).
That's my time - back on Tuesday with a fresh one. Enjoy the weekend!
- Jorge
