Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The First Time...

As I sit at my computer, typing furiously and squinting hard, trying to focus on the constantly shifting letters on the screen, I am recollecting the weekend events in which large amounts of liquor were guzzled in one fell swoop and clouds of smoke were swirled around at the various establishments at where my alumni homecoming events were held.

A lot of the people I grew with during the time I spent at my alma mater were there and it felt good to reconnect (while re-filling my beverage). People were discussing how far we had come since entering onto the campus years prior... all in all, it was an eventful night. In the midst of laughing at others trying to imitate new dance steps on old(er) bodies, I began to reflect on different things throughout my life.

[SIDE NOTE: ain't it funny how some people become have profound moments of clarity in the most unlikely of places?]

Almost at once, various thoughts began floating through my mind, transporting me back down memory lane. It was odd to actually see my life flash across my glossy eyes. I'll spare you the intrinsic details of every little thing but what I will provide is a short list of how I came to be me.

The First Drink.
My aunt was in the kitchen, smoking a Newport and drinking a big glass of water. After playing Freeze Tag with my friends on the piece of tattered asphalt known as my backyard, I was super thirsty. Kool-Aid - OUT. Orange Juice - ONE DROP LEFT. Water - hey, there's my auntie's glass - she won't mind if I take a swig!

And swig, I did. I guzzled that sucker down really quick and out of nowhere, my chest felt like it was on fire and I started sweating REAL hard. Turns out that water was a nice little beverage known as gin. My aunt still laughs about that one to this day (especially because my curious self did it again later - confusing beer for apple juice.)

The First (Real) Girl.
It was a chilly, windy day in Chicago (OK, it's always chilly and windy in Chicago) when I first saw her. It was the first day of school and little ol' me was excited to have freshly sharpened pencils, a Trapper Keeper and a bookbag with a random cartoon character. Life was good; but it became great when she walked in the room. She had some weird combination of Afro Puffs and pigtails but she was working it! We ate lunch together and she offered me half of her Twinkie. Right then, I knew it was love... and it survived all the way through recess where I saw her talking to Jason Singleton on the monkey bars, which led to... the First Break-Up.

After that, life had no meaning. I could only eat half of my Happy Meal and I even had no desire to claim the prize in the box of sugary cereal. I decided at that point all girls were stinky, boo-boo faces and I should kick rocks at them which lasted for a nice little until I was invited to my cousin Toya's birthday party.

In my crazy uncle Leroy's basement, I quietly sat in the corner, acting shy (as usual) as Keith Sweat was whining singing How Deep is Your Love in the background. Toya's friend was there and she kept on looking in my general direction.

I started to ponder:
Did I have something on my face? 
Some nose treasure, perhaps?

All of sudden, heaven hit me in the form of aggressive lips... and I had the First Kiss.

After that, I became curious about everything that had to do about the opposite sex so I asked the most obvious source of information at the time, my best friend, Derrick. Derrick was real knowledgeable about things - he even felt a breast once! I knew I was in good hands. He told me that he had the key that would unlock all the secrets that I ever wanted to know about women. At that point, there was no turning back as we headed to the VCR and I viewed the First Porn and my first va-Janet-Jackson.

I was horrified! That had to be the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life (and it scared my sexual curiosity for a VERY long time). I was content with making out (with me missing the lips 80% of the time) and playing basketball after school. I mean, what else was there?

This whole trend of life lasted even after I left for college. I valiantly tried to end my fear of the hairy monster but it was so ugly! My boys ridiculed me as they talked of all the escapades they had experienced in route to Lover's Lane - and I lamented my collapses under the pressure:

Was I doomed to be a virgin forever? 
Would I get my guy card revoked? 

Crushed, I accepted my fate as the Last Virgin in America and headed over to my ex girlfriend's house to watch Lethal Weapon 3.

She opened up the door in a wife beater, some little shorts and a huge smile on her face. She began telling me how much she missed me and kept rubbing on my arms and chest and started to kiss me, which led to us making out in her living room. All of sudden, my mind shut off and my body took over. Clothes disappeared as we hunched to the sound of Danny Glover and Mel Gibson, shooting at something, when Mini-Me got carried away and touched down in unfamiliar territory. What was this feeling? This is so warm, so warm... ahh, warm... w... a... r... m..., wha.. wha.. wait!!! I'm not ready to leave here yet! Forget Disneyland, this is the happiest place on Earth!

It had to be the best 7 minutes of my life up the point and I promptly fell asleep from pure exhaustion from the First Time. I've been hooked ever since.

That's my time. Happy Thanksgiving.

- Mr. Smart Guy

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