Wednesday, December 10, 2008

strike a pose... [classic post]

In light of a news event I read of today, I decided to post this classic story,. I hope you enjoy. - G

This morning, I woke up and I realized that I had nothing to write about. As frustrating as that was for me, I quickly decided to just hurry up, clean myself and rush to work with the hopes that I could think of something en route to work. I jumped into the shower, grabbed my loofah and almond shea butter body wash and exfoliated myself as quickly as I could. After rinsing and applying the proper amount of Apricot Scrub around my face and brushing Pink Oil Moisturizer into my hair, I quickly ironed my fuschia Express for Men shirt and tie combination, took a quick gander in the mirror and left my house.

As I drove in, I felt a tickle in my nose and I sneezed into my hands. Luckily for me, I had my trusty bottle of hand sanitizer right next to me. Never leave home without it... Still annoyed that I had nothing to write about, I pulled into the office, parked in a spot so that no leaves or birds droppings would fall on my always super so fresh, so clean waxed pimp mobile and scampered into my office.


It hit me like a bad avocado and pomegranate smoothie...

Am I becoming a METROSEXUAL?!!!

When did this happen?

For those of you that are culturally in hibernation, metrosexuality is the trait of an urban male of any sexual orientation who has a strong aesthetic sense and spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle. He is a modern (usually single) man in touch with himself and his feminine side; grooms and buffs his head and body, which he drapes in fashionable clothing either at work or before hitting an evening hot spot; has to stay up to date with the latest hairstyles, the newest threads, and the right shaped shoes. This man also has an appreciation for literature, cinema, or other arts, a flair for cooking, a savoir faire in choosing the perfect everything and an eye for interior design.

What is happening out here in these streets? America is being besieged by the dude who is the post-makeover straight guy on "Queer Eye." He's the guy who scoffs at drinking coffee from Mickey D's but as to have a Starbucks grande vanilla-mocha latte with little foam (because it might make him gassy).

He might also be the guy who just traded in his red Saturn for the sprightly chili-red Mini Cooper. The thing is you might not even know if you or one of your friends is a MSG (metro-sexual gentleman).

Because this is a full-service blog/rant/advice column, I am providing everyone with a small checklist of things to determine if the male you know (or yourself) been diagnosed with MSG. You may be suffering from MSG if you do at least 7 of these things:

1) You look in a mirror at least five times each day.
2) You moisturize or exfoliate on a regular basis.
3) You own more than 6 pairs of shoes.
4) You have ever shaved/waxed your legs, chest or back sometime during your life.
5) You get your hair done/cut at least 3 times a month.<

6) Your closet consists of colors that sound edible or are floral. (i.e. peach, orange, lavender)
7) You drink "girly drinks". (i.e. Pink Panties, Mojitos, Smirnoff Ice)
8) You own a loofah.

9) You color code your closet.
10) You watch Lifetime, Oxygen or reality TV shows regarding fashion.
11) You own a man-bag.
12) You highlight your hair.

Eureka... have I really joined the metrosexual revolution?

I remember when I frowned upon wearing anything that didn't have a team name or prominent urban label on it. Back in those days, you used to rock the sagging baggy jeans; the backwards baseball cap and the scuffed-up Timberlands.

Now its pastel button-downs, crisp slacks and Kenneth Cole loafers...

What the hell has happened to you, Jorge?!!
And it's not just me either a while back, my boy SpottieOttie called me up and was complaining about how bad his cuticles were and that he was badly in need of a mani and pedi...

Mani and Pedi sound like two immigrants who crossed the border into east LA, selling guava at the Farmer's Market.

You know, guava sounds delicious right now - oh, well, I guess if you can't beat them, out-dress them.

That's my time - back again next week, freshly coiffed and moisturized.

- Mr. Smart Guy.

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