Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Who's That Peekin' In My Window?

Good afternoon, ladies & gents. I hope all is well with you. Another week has come and gone – but this one is a bit different. This is the first day that we have a Black man leading our country and that gives me an extra sense of pride not only for myself but for the future of tomorrow. I’m hoping that people don’t think that all their dreams will come true due to President Obama – but will have the sense to better themselves as there is no longer the excuse that “THE MAN” is keeping us crushed under his heel. I won’t say that there isn’t still injustice; however I do think that our voice just became a little louder.

Now that I’ve talked about that, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. I'm sitting around the house watching the inauguration events and I receive a call from my homeboy, The Captain*. He was telling me about his latest adventure/run-in/disaster from the last time we conversed. Apparently, young Cap had met a nice young lady at the club/bar/lounge. She informed him that she had seen him before and that she was too scared to approach him. Of course, Cap was flattered and proceeded to chat her some more and they exchanged numbers.

During their first conversation, she told him that she loved how good he looked in green. That would've been great but Cap was wearing all black they met. Of course, Cap thought that it might've been bad lighting so she could've been mistaken and the conversation continued. The two arranged to meet for drinks later in the week so they could see each other in person.

While at the bar, Cap was approached by one of a female associate of his who greeted him with a warm hug and a friendly greeting.

After she left, the exchange went a little something like this:

Cap: That was my homie, Sheila.
Date: Why did she have to be hugging you all tight? Don't she know you with me?!!!
Cap (with the confuzzled look on this face): I don't think she was but I'm sorry if you were offended.
Date: That heffa bet not be eyeing you like that no mo if she knows what's good for her.
Cap (starting to get nervous): Um, it's getting late. Why don't I take you home?
Date: Why... so you can call that high-yella heffa?!!

Needless to say, Cap got her home with Olympic quickness.

That's when the calls starting flying in.

Date: How long you been boning her?!!! You think she looks better than me? Don't leave me for her, Cap? I love you!

My friends, this is what you call psychotic behavior.

At first, it seemed innocent enough. She was engaging, attractive and had similar interests as he did. He thought she was a tad bit territorial but not so much he couldn’t deal with it.

[buzzer sound]
Enh, guess again.

All of sudden, she would just pop up at different places that she knew he'd be at, asking him for another chance and started calling him at work and from numbers he didn't recognize.

This one had far surpassed crazy - she was now on stalker status.

After I laughed hard at his dilemma, he asked me what he should do. I told what him what I'd tell anyone in that situation.

Get your Usain on, bolt the hell outta Dodge and hope she can't find you using her crazy heffa GPS.

Seriously speaking, he should have seen the warning signs. I bet you're wondering one does see those signs... and that's why you're here, reading intently (or you're really just bored).

[drum roll]

Here they are, Mr. Smart Guy’s Rules to Spotting the Psycho Crazy Scorned Lover Stalker Kung-Fu Killer Wolf Beetch.

1. Look into their eyes.
If they have a glazed-over, longing look - they are infatuated. If they look like they wanna eat you, lace up your shoes... and run.

2. See when they call you.
If you decide to make a love connection and exchange numbers, see how long it takes for your new potential boo to call you. If they call the same day/night, they're desperate but harmless. If they call you seven times the same day/night, run.

3. See what they do outside of you.
It's one thing to take an interest in someone that you like. If you ask their hobbies and they respond with something like: whatever you like and they start barking like a dog and hopping up and down on one leg, run.

4. See how they act around the opposite sex.
Jealousy can be cute for some people but if he's who the damn dude on the phone is and it's the pizza delivery guy, ummm.... run.

Follow these rules and you won't end up on somebody's milk carton.

That's my time for now - gotta find Cap a new identity.

*The Captain as in Captain Save-A-Ho....stess.
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