Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme.

Good morning/afternoon/evening (not sure of what time zone you're reading from), folks. I hope you all having a good week. Well, at least I was having a good week up until I started talking to one of my friends and they pissed me off.
Have you ever had one of those friends who only seem to call when they need something? They seem to think you are the Salvation Army, Wal-Mart and Bank of America all rolled up into one. That sums up the person who called me the other day.
My hard-luck friend (we'll call her Beggin' Ass Felisha to protect her identity) called me up to talk my ear off  shoot the breeze.

Everything was copacetic during the conversation (you know, the general catching up and whatnot) but all of sudden, she up and asked for a loan. She then went into the quintessential "you know I'm good for it, I'm just having a hard time right now" spiel that lasted for about 20 minutes.  

Smart Guy Sidebar: It's at that point where you want to give them the money for telling you such a great story and/or you're tired of them talking to you.
Anyway, after hearing her drone on and on about her shortcomings, I politely declined to help her out. Normally, I would have but I just didn't have it to give. Most people would have stopped right there - but not ol' Felisha! She promptly told me that I was doing well and I should be able to afford to let her "hold something".

Oh, I got something for you to hold all right!
Needless to say, that conversation didn't end on the most positive of notes but it got me to thinking.

Was I that dependable that Felisha felt like she had to come to me all the time for favors?

Knee Grow Please. [insert SMCH face]

Point blank, she is a grown-ass woman; sometimes you gotta let people fend for themselves. There are plenty of Felisha's out there - they just come in different forms. It's my job to point them out so that you can run quickly away from them with your pockets intact so that this recession doesn't lead you to depression.
1) The Sibling/Cousin/Family Member.
These are the hardest people to say no to (particularly because you can't avoid them - they're family). When whoring themselves out for your hard-earned cash begging, they are quick to bring that particular fact up.
THEM: I'm broke. Let me use 50 bucks 'til payday.
YOU: I can't spare it.
THEM: C'mon, [insert foolish childhood nickname  - usually something like Poonie, Graham Cracker or Man-Man]. We family...
YOU: Well, OK then... here ya go.
2) The Good "Always Broke" Friend.
They are good friends but they always seem to be broke whenever you go out. They always want to go to the most expensive places - you know with the $20 cover and two-drink minimum.
WAITER: And how would you like to pay for this today, sir?
THEM (looking incredulous at you): Uhhh, I left my wallet in the car. Can you get me, homie?
YOU (thinking to self): Well, go get it then... the car is parked, it's not going anywhere...
YOU (spoken answer): I'll take care of you.
THEM (thinking to self): SUCKER!
THEM (spoken answer): Man, dawg - I sho do appreciate that. Next time it's on me - real talk.
3) The Hard Luck Story/After School Special.
This person tells you about something horrific that has happened to them, like losing their job at the local shake joint 'cuz folks can't make it rain, they can only make it mist and on the good days drizzle... (but they always have on the newest outfit and have the newest accessory - ironic, ain't it?)
THEM: You know that the Man is still holding me down. I woulda got that job but they are using the reverse affirmative action now. I can't catch a break and I don't even enough loot to get me an extra slice of cheese on my McDouble.
YOU (thinking): Maybe it was the the cloud of weed smoke that followed you out of the car - I'm just sayin'.
YOU (spoken answer): Sorry to hear that - maybe next time...
THEM: If I had like 20 bucks, I could get that cleansing tea and I could pass that drug tes - but I'm broke...
YOU (thinking): Or you could just stop smoking and asking me for any money.
YOU (spoken answer): I feel you, homie.
THEM: Think I can get that from you? I'll pay you back whenever I get that first paycheck.
YOU (thinking): I'm getting played like a 4th grader who got a Wii for Christmas.
YOU (spoken answer): I got you.
With all that being said, I urge you all to read the signs. If such and such has not called you since the last time they borrowed, pretend to have a bad signal and hang up. If they call back, pretend to be a Domino's Pizza.
Just say no!
In the meantime, can I borrow a dollar?
 That's my time.
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