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What's going on, people? You guys know I usually don't write on Fridays but I had to spit this one out. I was conversing with Princess Dana about the normal get ready for the weekend topics; waiting until the clock to strike for some type of break - and all of sudden, Dana says this:
Dana: I really didn't want to come in
Dana: Thought about taking off and watching porn all day
And then the floodgates opened.Seems that young Dana has quite an affection for the smut cinematic features... the Princess has unrealized dreams of being a porn star - she's down for it - except she doesn't want to have sex with strangers.
[Smart Thought of the Day: that would probably be a deterrent in her being really effective at the job.] I on the other hand, don't really get down on watching that
You see, the reason(s) why I don't like porn are because:
- I'd rather be doing than viewing.
- It's all very bad acting.
- See #1
The ones I have happened to watch were pretty bad (sans the lovely Miss Steffans AKA Supahead) so I had to ask Dana who she really liked and then the topic broadened. For those who don't know, there are various categories of porn. Some involve objects, animals, fetishes but the most popular deal with race.
Take Black porn for instance.
The actors in Black porn always try to have conversations and whatnot.
Here is a sample scene from Nubian Lovin'; Volume 348.
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Yeah, what's your name, sweetheart?
Anatomically Blessed Black Woman: Shallondria
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Shallondria, where you from?
Shallondria: Crenshaw and Wilshire, over there by Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles.
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Fa real, I got folks down that way... Mayn-Mayn, Craig, Day-Day, Smokey, Deebo... you know any of them?
[Smart Guy's Sidebar: Why is it when people find out where you're from they ask if you know them? Does it look like I work for the Yellow Pages, my ninja?]
Shallondria: I know Smokey, he use to date my homegirl. She kinda look like Janet Jackson.
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Aw, she lookin that good?!! You gone have to bring her through next time you come see me!
Shallondria: that's straight, Mandingo - wanna see my booty clap?
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Yeah, lemme see what you workin' with!
Shallondria: OK, Mandingo - where that phat-azz bass track with some unknown rapper on it?
Anatomically Blessed Black Man: Right, chere!
By this time, 20 minutes have elapsed! My attention span ain't that doggone long!
Let's use a White porn scene.
Anatomically Blessed White Man: Hey.
Anatomically Enhanced White Woman (you know those are implants): Hey. Lemme give you some oral lovin'.
Anatomically Blessed White Man: Sweet.
I love that.
Straight to the point.
Let's be real. I don't think anyone in these films is gonna be nominated for an Oscar anytime soon so let's get to gettin'! Dana said that those chicks overact all the time, with their fake screaming and panting. To quote her, a real chick knows a true orgasm is not pretty. I'll have to agree - we folks make some UGLY faces - lookin' like we caught a mouthful of poot on accident.
Because of the travesty of what we've been seeing on the screen, Daneezy and I have decided to write our own porn-o-rama; starring Princess Dana as Kandii Lippz and myself as Kang Dang-A-Lang.
Here is a small excerpt:
Kandii: The Royal Penis is clean, your Majesty.
Kang: Thank you, Kandii. I am bored. We should play a game.
Kandii: How about some chess? I love playing head games.
Kang: Chess, Kandii?!! I thinketh not. My game is checkers - so get your game face on and KANG ME!
Tune in as Kandii and the Kang ride out - literally.
To quote my good friend Pimp Hand Strong, it's Friday, folks; LET'S GET NEKKID or at least answer one of the following questions:
- Do you watch flicks? Which ones?
- Do you use them for support or for assistance?
- Who would star in your on-line flick? Off-line?
- What's your biggest fantasy?
- What's your porn name?
That's my time, folks - have a great weekend. See you next week!
Mr. Smart Guy AKA Kang Dang-A-Lang™