Friday, October 30, 2009

Where's My Umbrella-eh-eh-eh? [classic post]

Sorry about the non-posts - I'll be back soon... - Mr. Smart Guy

What's up, folks? I hope all is well. I know it's been a minute since I wrote... been experiencing a little something called real life. It's kind of weird disconnecting from this addiction and actually going out and doing stuff.

Go figure.

Well, anyway - one of my homeboys took a position in the Big Apple and we all decided to hang out last night at this trendy spot to celebrate. Of course, since everybody met up at my house - I decided (i.e. was forced) to be the designated sucker - I mean driver.

Two of the crew had already started drinking before they had arrived and they were slurring worse than a KKK rally in Harlem. I knew I was in for a LOOOOOOOOOONG night because whenever these dudes get drunk, you have to watch out for something popping off.

We finally head out on the way to the spot - which I had never been to before. I try to get some info on the place - but I'm really just relieved that we aren't doing the same ol' thang...

My intoxicated friend tells me he heard the joint was a great spot to be and that we were gonna have a great time. Slowly, I began to get excited about the possibilities of the night seeing I'm always down for a good time.

We pull up and see that there is a line of people outside the lounge so we immediately know it's not dead. We park and head in - straight to the bar. I get my one beverage - because I know that's all I can really have being the responsible guy I am... and proceed to take in the ambiance.

There was virtually no seating - except for a cushy spot right on the dance floor.

"Sounds good to me! We can get a prime view of these lovely ladies!" replied my drunken sidekick.

So we all made our way over there with our drinks - and posted up.

Like clockwork, this inebriated chick (whose breath smelled like a mixture of Bacardi, White Diamonds, Virginia Slims and moldy tacos) asked if we knew what time the show started.

I replied to her that I had no idea about a show - but I'd find out about it for her - provided she stopped talking immediately...

All of sudden, all of the lights went out and this techno music started playing. A spotlight went to the middle of the dance floor and the ugliest woman I'd ever seen came out. It sorta looked like this:

What did the bartender put in my drink?

What madness am I viewing?

The ugly woman started gyrating everywhere and this man came out and started throwing dollar bills at her. She was obviously excited so she started dancing harder and all of these guys randomly would come up with money and blow kisses at her.

Then she turned in our direction.


That is an Adam's Apple.


Is she... a HE?

[cue It's Raining Men]

Glad we found that little tidbit out because our homeboy was about to buy "SHIM" a drink - as he was checking out "her" firm backside and told us that he liked his women with a little muscle definition because they tend to surprise him in bed.

I bet that would have been one helluva surprise.

That's my time. In the meantime, let me know about an unexpected experience you've encountered. Have a great weekend!

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