Friday, April 16, 2010

I've Been Thinking....

Be forewarned, this is not the usual blog from the kid.*

There are many good men
Hell I'm a great one
So why do women say
It's so hard to date one

Even more so harder to
Find one
That's respectful, faithful
And not mind dumb

So they sing spirituals
Odes and woes to being single
But how many times have
They allowed themselves to mingle

Ladies, do something different
Modify your priorities
To find the one
you feel is a minority

Now I'm not sayin' to change
From gospel to secular
But if eyes were opened
you'd see more on the regular.


The above poem popped into my head after a conversation with the fellas awhile back. We were sitting at a local watering hole, catching up on old times, discussing a myriad of things in the journey of catching up with one another. We hadn't seen each in quite some time so you can imagine there was a lot of banter going around.

All of sudden, we see a group of attractive young ladies, perhaps looking in our general direction. After quickly glancing back with our masculine glares, we definitely knew they were looking at us. It was at least six in their group and we had about five in ours. They were looking with urgency as if to implore us to come over. We continued to converse with one another; looking for signs that they wanted us in their company.

After about several minutes of stolen glances, we began to discuss the fact that these young women were obviously interested but yet they stayed glued to their chairs. The night went on and both of our parties went their respective ways but the remnants of that night clung to me.

Why DIDN'T those ladies approach US?

They were interested - at least seemingly so.

Why didn't they at least initiate conversation or even do something to make an opening for it? Perhaps they weren't as enthralled as we thought they were but I don't think that was the case.

My thought is that a lot of women are conditioned to having men approach them and this group was one of its disciples.

I know that some might be asking: what's wrong with that?
There's nothing wrong with it at all.

If that's your prerogative, feel free to sit back and wait on your knight in shining armor. Chances are he's not willing to fight through the angry pack of wolves (also known as your friends); just for the chance for you to possibly take his number.

I know some women believe that Mr. Right will fall into their laps, possibly through the law of averages and/or constant prayer. Perhaps, it might happen - but more than likely it won't. Think if you took that same approach with money.

I'm not going to work today.
God will send a blessing through the Lotto.


Odds are - with that logic, the only gambling will be done is to see which utility will be cut off first. But I digress...

Ladies, I implore you. If you want something, go for it. More than likely, a man won't reject you. In fact, he'll embrace your refreshing take on things. I know. I'm a man. Trust me.

Be very aware - we men are simple. We are not mind readers. Give us concise directions and the probability is - we'll follow them. If you leave us to ascertain your feelings, you'll probably end up like those slightly inebriated ladies at the bar - hanging with your girls.

That's my time.

Riddle me this: am I off-base on this assessment? What's your take on it?

Comments (23)

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Hmmm. I think the man approaching women logic is based in wanting to make sure a male is interested before you break away from the safe zone (your girls).
2 replies · active 778 weeks ago
Duly noted - but how do you make yourself "approachable" while with your girls?
heyjerzygirl's avatar

heyjerzygirl · 778 weeks ago

you step away from the pack.
eye contact is a great indicator... body language flirtatiousness(?) and every now and again women want you to just go for it whether we seem open or not. we like that . trust me i'm a woman. and yes sosmetimes we just go for it with you guys but sometimes if we don't then it means we don't see something worth getting out of out seat for until you open youir mouth on approach and prove us wrong. but it goes both ways...
Well, I think that if a guy is willing to approach a lady when she is with her girls then that not only shows he is really interested but he is willing to go our of his comfort zone and go after his goal even though there are potential obstacles. This not only gives an unconscious representation of him as a boyfriend but as an individual as well. (this is just a thought I do not talk for everybody)
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
I never thought about it that way. Can I then assume if a woman is unwilling to leave her friends, she might be echo that sentiment in everyday situations?3SIX5IVE Creative: We make stuff and people seem to like it.
Plus how do you expect a girl to approach you when you are with your friends if you dont want to approach her when she is with her friends. If one of you had separated from the group maybe (main word MAYBE) one of the girls would have approached one of you guys.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Well put - might try out that scenario in the future...3SIX5IVE Creative: We make stuff and people seem to like it.
If there's one thing I hear from guys over and over, it's that the quickest way to prevent being approached by a dude is to stay in a pack of females. I get that, too, cause I think if females were honest -- when a dude approaches, there's always that one bitter chick who ruins the whole thing. Either mid-play or after he's gone.

Truth is, I think we could all go back and forth, making accurate arguments, for why one group should've approached the other first. But the reality is, no matter what your gender, if you see something, go for it.

There would've been no harm, imo, in either group going as a group to the other table. The interest was clearly there.
1 reply · active 782 weeks ago
Now that's a Vandy girl using her smarts... well played!3SIX5IVE Creative: We make stuff and people seem to like it.
As much as I would like to disagree with your assessment, I have to say that you may be right. The problem is that regardless of what we say or think, there is still a double standard when it comes to women. We hesitate to make grand gestures for men because we instantly get pegged as being desperate or "fast" and nobody wants that. Also to agree with some of the previous comments, it's just as intimidating when you are with your boys. Sidenote: I liked the poem! :-)
1 reply · active 782 weeks ago
I can see why women could be hesitant in that situation - no one wants to be labeled - but I still think a sign couldve been extended (ie a wink, a come hither gesture, etc)3SIX5IVE Creative: We make stuff and people seem to like it.
Trust me, I've read my fair share of books on the topic and there is this notion that the woman gives the signal that she's interested and the guy comes over and initiate a meeting, but I understand where you are coming from. My question is as there were a group of guys and a group of girls, why couldn't one of the groups decide to go over as a group and engage the other group. If anything you meet more than one person and may get a friend out of the experience. Another alternative if it is one person for one person, the female can indicate that she is interested and then excuse herself from the group to do something, be it to get a drink and this would be an opportunity for the guy to come along.

Everyone is afraid of rejection, but it's for both sexes to get the hootzpah to approach the other. Then again I've thrown in the towel so I shouldn't be talking. LOL.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Great response. I agree no one likes rejection and that's why no one stepped up but I think our group would have if we had received an invitation to do so...3SIX5IVE Creative: We make stuff and people seem to like it.
You said , "we see a group of attractive young ladies"...

In a world where men typically take the initiative, not one of the five did. This leads me to wonder if:

A) You were the only one who thought they were attractive,
B) There were no available seats at their table, making it a combination logistical problem and fear of being humiliated if you and the other men misread the cues that that glances meant they were interested, Magnify this for the women, since they've been conditioned to not approach men, especially men sitting at bar.
C) That the ladies interpreted your group's lack of action to mean that you were all married, engaged, had significant others, or weren't into women,
D) Everyone was just a little too drunk to get up,
E) The testosterone levels in the guys were just a tad too low, or
F) All of the men had been satisfactorily laid in the past 48 hours and felt no pressure to do what I'm certain they would have done had it been 48 days, irregardless of the seating arrangements.

My money's on F, followed by B, although it could be all of the above. ;)
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
I can't speak for the others but B sounds about right, LOL!
SteelDragon's avatar

SteelDragon · 782 weeks ago

Like two wise men told me a long time ago, for group match-ups like this to occur the girl:guy ratio must be equal or divisible by two. The 6:5 ratio in this case would have ended up leaving the least attractive and/or most stuck-up girl sitting there with no one to chat with and ruining the night for everyone else with the phrase "Can we please go now?!"

Women are competitive by nature and probably were competing with each other to see who would be the winner of the blue ribbon on that night so they could talk about on the ride home or the next day at work.

No one in their group wanted to seem easy either and if they came over to you guys, that's exactly what the guys would have thought. Granted, they could have created an opportunity for someone to approach their table but it's possible you guys were too drunk to take advantage of the opening.
1 reply · active 781 weeks ago
I like your thinking, SteelDragon -seem like those wise men gave you some sage advice.
I can definitely see where you're coming from...
reine noire's avatar

reine noire · 781 weeks ago

I am old-school, so I do believe in the man approaching the woman. Mainly because I was always taught that men are hunters and if they want you, they will pursue you. However, I also believe in and was taught the Art of Flirtation, and yes it is an Art. As a true lady, I will give a man the three AG's (Attention Grabbers) of flirting. These AG's will inform any potential suitor with a brain and a pulse that I am indeed interested and that he has the green light to approach me.
Step 1: Eye Contact - focused intently on the man of interest
Step 2: Eye contact with a nice smile and the universal black greeting, (the head nod)
Step 3: The walk by- This is where the woman strategically walks past the gentleman with whom she is interested in on her way to another destination. Therefore, distancing herself from her friends (i.e. the Wolf Pack) and providing the gentleman with a great opportunity for interaction.
Now, if I do all three of these things and the gentleman does not come over, then I must assume one of the following:
1) He is on the other team
2) He is not interested
3) He is too shy or too dense to understand that I just displayed interest him. (If this is the case, I have already become disinterested because nothing is more attractive then Confidence and Intelligence.)
So, while I do empathize with the scenario that you spoke of in the poem, men have been pursuing women for centuries and until recently it has been working just find. So men need to be observant, man-up and bring some stimulating conversation once they decide to approach.
1 reply · active 781 weeks ago
*starts the slow clap*Applaud this woman for she knows what she speaks of. Kudos to you.3SIX5IVE Creative: We make stuff and people seem to like it.
I think sometimes guy are intimidated when th a group of girls . They know that they are going to be sized up by both the girl you want and her friends. I know that is what my group does when we go out. we all ask questions and eventually leave the chosen one with the guy. Ithink I feel the same way when I see a group of guys and there is one I want the attention of. I usually smile and keep that eye contact till he gets the hint to come and talk to me.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
1 reply · active 780 weeks ago
How often does that approach work for you?
heyjerzygirl's avatar

heyjerzygirl · 778 weeks ago

I haven't read the post by previous readers, but I thought it funny that you first write about the fitting in/not fitting in theory. I can see how anyone can get confused but on the same note, women have been told that you wait for a guy to approach you and not vice versa. It's confusing to us too. Although I'm sure guys would say otherwise, men are used to being turned away. When a women gets turned down by a guy, she's unlikely to try it again. It's a difficult position for both men and women.

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