Monday, May 02, 2011

Get A Room. Now.

What's going on, people? I know it's been a minute since I've written (two months to be exact) but I'm back on the grind now.

Hold your applause.

During my brief hiatus, I actually took some time to work on other ventures and take care of some business. It felt really good to get back on track to sanity because life was kind of crazy. Now that sappiness is out of the way, let's get down to bidness! Yeah, I said bid-ness.

The other day while running errands, I pulled up a stoplight, settling behind a few cars in the midst of the grinding rush hour traffic. I was carefree, listening to my music - when I realized the light had turned green... and we were still sitting in one spot.

Why you might ask?

Well, some horny couple decided to play tonsil hockey; becoming so immersed in the exchange of lip juice that they forgot they were in the middle of the intersection!

As I spoke gruffly to them [in unprintable language] and shook my fist rapidly [as if that would do anything], I vowed I would handle them and get my revenge.

How so , Mr. Smart Guy?!!!

Well, I plan on educating you all so that you may spread the gospel of Mr. Smart Guy to people around your neck of the woods and stop the madness before it spreads even more.We have to band together to rid the world of these terrible epidemic. It's disgusting, shameful and revolting.


Those three letters might seem innocent but when put together, all hell breaks loose.

PDA's [Public Displays of Affections] terrorize us regular folk who just want to walk down the street without hearing who loves who more or how much you'll miss them when they go to the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that is not really sexy to have long talks whilst on the toilet.

I know, I know. It sickens me too. That's why we have to put a stop to it.

To first beat the enemy, you must know about the enemy. In fact, you may be an offender and you don't even know it.

Ask yourself the following questions.

  • Do you like holding hands?
  • Do you use pet names?
  • Do you kiss in public?
  • Do you stare at your mate longingly?

If you've answered yes to any of those questions, slap yourself now.

Holding hands is not necessary. If they really love you, they'll be there. They can't run away that fast.

Pet names should be used for pets only. Unless you walk them, check them for bugs and put them on a tight leash, you shouldn't use pet names. Wait a minute - scratch that. I know people who actually do that. Never mind.

Kissing in public is kinda gross. Well, not all kissing...

Staring is not caring. If you look away, they won't disappear. I promise.

I just want you all to know that I'm not downing love - just saving my digestive system from all that sappiness.

That's my time.
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