Thursday, April 06, 2006

come on in...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, mammals and cats... your boy is back again. I'm cleaning up the place because I might be having some potential houseguests down... some of my boys from Chicago may be headed in this weekend. Needless to say, I like my place in tip-top shape and I am anal about it; to a fault. Everything has a place and I expect anyone who comes into my home to adhere to those rules.

I know you’re thinking: What rules are those, Jorge?

Well, I’m glad you asked… I have come up with a step-by-step booklet for you to get so that you won't get your feelings hurt in Apartment 360. It is entitled: The "Know Yo' Place, Up in My Space" Manual for Visiting Jorge Mateo... Damn, Jorge - is it that serious?

Yes, it most certainly is... it will save your friendships!

Picture this scenario: You've just finished a wonderful entree of loaded quesadillas and shots of Cuervo Gold from the local Mexican restaurant (complete with jalapenos and Habanero sauce) with your in-house guests. It was pleasing and wondrous to your palate but not as kind to your intestines... so you rush off to flush away some relief... only to find that fool Larry has left you with 2 strips of Charmin. What the hell are you going to do with that?!! More than likely, you'd probably just sit there, stankin' and sulkin', cursing out your trifling friend...

After that scene, I bet you'd be ready to stomp a hole in somebody's chest... don't let it come to that point. Stop the violence and follow my rules to knowing yo' place up in my space!

RULE #1. Sharing is for fourth graders.
I know that's a nice-looking shirt. I know that because I spent my hard-earned money on it. You decided to buy that R. Kelly sex tape and the new subscription to King with Buffie the Body on the cover... Well, I can't blame you for that.
Still, you cannot borrow anything from the kid - the last time you borrowed something, I ended up getting arrested for having 27 unpaid parking tickets. Remember if I catch you with my stuff on, I should not be held liable for the beat-down that will ensue.

RULE #2. Bring your own toiletries.
There is nothing more disgusting than finding hairs nestled into your bar of soap because your "homie" forgot their stuff at home.

We are friends but I never want my face to be close to something you just rubbed your ball sack/cervix on... that is just uncalled for. This also goes for combs, brushes, and items of oral hygiene.

RULE #3. If you get a taste, you MUST replace.
Damn, I know those Eggo waffles were finger-lickin' good... I bought them for their yummy goodness.
I do not mind letting you eat them as long as you replace them... with the same kind you just ate. Please don't come back in with some generic store-brand when you got to eat the real deal. That just won't cut it, partna'.

RULE #4. Grab yo' trash or make that dash.
I cleaned because you were coming. That doesn't mean I will pick up after you once you arrive. More than likely, you are grown... and if you have kids, you can pick up after them. It's not that hard to do... but if it is, Motel 6 has housekeeping, free HBO and a bum in the lobby to shine your shoes for a nickel.

RULE #5. It's my space, not MySpace.
When you stay with me, you're staying with me, not your entire extended network. Not Nino and G-Money. Not Rerun and Rollo. Not Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.


For your sake, please don't invite the crew for the hospitality. You WILL get put out -- along
with them -- if they enter 360 without my permission. Don't let my foot get introduced to your ass just because you want to be the life of the party.

RULE #6. Eat your Laffy Taffy at the candy store.
There will be NO intercourse going on in my house... unless you or your partner of choice are officially tenants of Apartment 360 or putting some funds toward the residency. I'm not trying to swim through your love juices just because you and Kandi had no place to go... take your million-dollar babies back to her crib or the backseat of your Caddy...

Follow these rules - and you are welcome over any time, provided you aren't a habitual line-stepper... Lawd knows we can't have that!!!

Be easy until Tuesday!

- Jorge

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