Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Excuse Me, Miss (or Mister)...

Tuesday. Monday's step-child bastard of a day.

There is nothing good about a Tuesday except it's one step closer to the weekend again and albums are released (this is noteworthy for those four people who still actually buy whole CDs). Today is dragging along - and I keep looking periodically at the clock (which I think is hungover as I felt this weekend). Ah, the weekend... how I miss it so.

This past weekend, I went to the club with a few of my friends. Generally, I'm a homebody on the weekends but the club decided to give out free drinks. Raise your hands if you think this was a bad idea. I surely did - but I had my butt there early!

People were lined up and down the sidewalk., ready to get loose with Mr. Daniels and his buddies, E&J. I heard one guy exclaim that he was ready to meet his wife tonight. False call. Are you serious? How likely are you to find your significant other in the club?

Could it be that magical moment when the smoke fills the air and you look into his or her bloodshot, glazed eyes? How about when she is grinding her backside into your groin like her life is on the line? Yeah, that's it - love at first sight...

In that moment, I began to think that it's really not a greatest idea to find your soulmate at an establishment such as the club. Other places you're probably unlikely to find something to hold onto:
1) The gas station. There is nothing more annoying than being approached here - this is bum territory. Unless you are trying to wash my windows for a buck, get out of my face.
2) Your local fast-food restaurant. Drive-thru love ain't really all that appealing - even though I know you can hook me up with some extra sauce for my nuggets.
3) While on a date with your current companion. Don't laugh - I've seen it go down.

It's not like you can go to the grocery store and find love on aisle 9 but there are places in which you can find that lovin' feelin'. After conversing with an assortment of friends, I decided to blog about the mysterious places where you can find your new boo. These places are not all that hard to find - you just have to be there at the right time.

1) School/Library/Bookstore.
It's one place where you have a decent chance on rolling up someone who is unlikely to have a record (well, more than likely - you always have the obligatory dormitory weedman). There are books there so you can look inconspicuous while targeting your prey. Conversation is pretty easy to obtain with lines like:
So.... that looks interesting.
What are you reading?
Studying hard? I hope not too hard - don't stress yourself out.

With an intelligent look (glasses work wonders), people might even think you are a student!

2) The Gym.
It's a match made in heaven. Women want tough guys like him.

Men like the skimpy spandex outfits. It's a match made in heart-rate heaven! You can spot each other on the free weights or talk about politics on the excerise bikes - and it's not weird because you are both trying to "work out" - literally.

3) The Intimate Set/House Party.

It's all the fun of the club without the cover charge and two drink minimum. It's convenient too. There is enough light so that you can actually make out what a person looks like (too much horror stories off of that one) , you don't have to shout over the music and there are actually places to sit without Craig & dem stepping on your new shoes...

4) The Church (provided by Nyberg and Daddy's Little Girl)

Ah, Church. As Clarence the barber said in Coming to America, the church (or mosque, synagogue, what have you) is a nice place to meet good, clean girls (I guess the same would apply to young men). You can safely bet that the person that you meet practices the same religion, even though you may not be on the same religious level. This is important, especially for those of you that want your partner to attend church with you.

A few Sunday introductions of:
What did you think of the message today?, and running into them at Bible Study, could possibly earn you some one-on-one Bible Study time. When you get to that point, well, you may eventually end up having to take a study break or two. Ah, yes. Let the blessings flow...

At the same time, be careful. The church can also be a touchy place to meet someone.

You may find that there are very few single nice, clean ladies or men there. For example:

You strike up an interesting conversation with a good-looking young guy whos been attending the church quite often in recent months. You're impressed, and as you begin to talk to him about the service and start imagining your future relationship, he says:

"You know, I loved Pastor Trent's sermon today about stayin true to yourself and the Lord. It meant a lot to me, especially cause you know I used to be on the streets and stuff like that, hustlin, and pimpin' women, and sellin' dope. Then I got addicted to heroin and I started livin in a crack house... But then I found Jesus and the Lawd turned me around! Hallelujah!! He brought me from a mighty long waaay!!! Gloo-raaay!!! Gloooo-raaaay!!!!"

When he starts jumping up and down in the air with his bible in his hand and the usher board starts rushin' in with fans, it's time for you to exit. You just dont' need the drama. Or, the future drug relapse.

Same goes for the guys. Be wary of the girl who loves to share with you what she learned in Bible Study. She may have 4 kids at home, 2 baby daddies, and danced in Tron da Billionaires recent Shake Dem Nuggets on my Drumstick, Guh video.

In addition, you don't want to do something with someone that you met in church, regret it, and have to see them every Sunday. You'll probably end up trying to sit in the back of the upper balcony just trying to avoid them. You may even get paranoid, thinking that the congregation knows about what you may have done. And it will mess up everything good about going...

"DAMNIT, I can't believe I went down on him in the Walgreens parking lot!! Such an idiot! Ugh.. AND he has a huge mole on his neck! Ewww! But we were tipsy though! But he hasn't called me in 2 days! What if he told the choir? They'll straight up think I'm such a ho!? Are those kids laughing at me? How come Sister Jones didn't ask me to watch the Sunday school kids today?? Hey, Miss Mattie didn't pass ME a Sunday program! Oh no, the choir knows! They're looking at me! Why didn't the usher pass ME the offering tray? I knew it! Why is Reverend Johnson talking about sinners?! Ohmygaa, why is my mouth burniiing!!!???"

Your best bet? Go to Sunday service with an open mind and an open heart for the Lord that is. You might meet someone nice, you might not. But if you do, be good and take your Bible Study time slow (and everything else, for that matter). You don't want to end up having to go back to Walgreens for ointment. Or, in the worse case, have to find another church.

Now that you know where to go, have a good time. No charge for the advice (at least not today). Have a good one - and remember choose wisely. I'm out.
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