Wednesday, January 05, 2011

The Bootleg HItch Chronicles, Vol. IV: What Women REALLY Want, Closure Edition

“I just need some closure.” – (insert any female’s name here)

A dear friend of mine ended her relationship with Only College Boyfriend almost 5 years ago. Yet for some reason, she was never able to move on and have a functional relationship with other men. Yeah, he left her on their anniversary and told her she wasn’t marriage material, but come on, it was 5 years ago! Anyways, we spoke the other day, and she seemed as content as I had ever heard her. Me being the nosey negro friend that I am, of course I inquired about her new mood. Her next sentence surprised me; “I finally got closure from Only College Boyfriend.” Once she told me how it happened, I realized we have the concept of closure totally wrong. Today, we making it right.

Closure. Simple word, seven letters, noun loosely meaning “an ending”. But by far, the concept of closure is extraordinarily difficult to achieve. Some woman is still waiting to receive closure from her 9th grade boyfriend who left her for the 10th grade girl (Side note- he left 'cuz she was giving it up and you weren’t. Moving right along). Women all of America are pining for this thing called closure. Men want to give it but can’t seem to make it happen. Why is this so tough to do? What makes closure such a difficult concept? The problem, my friends, is two-fold.

One, women don’t have a clue how to verbalize what they are asking for. Don’t believe me? How many times has a conversation about closure turned into “let’s get one for the road”?

Knowing full well that wasn’t what you were looking for? Or even worse, it turned into a sob session with the phrase “But why?!?!?!” uttered over and over again. How can you get these extreme responses? Because women have no clue what “closure” they are looking for. Sadly, it’s not even their fault. The term has been mangled and abused beyond repair. Some idiot chick wanted to sound sophisticated when she was talking to her ex one day and said the word closure, her girlfriend heard it and liked it, and we’ve been screwed ever since. It’s a false term being used for something else women are looking to achieve. Today we are gonna kill the term once and for all and replace it with another one. More on that in a moment.

The second issue is that men believe that the concept of closure is a session where they give the reasons why the relationship didn’t work and then say “it’s not you, it’s me.” That’s a damn lie. If it was about the guy, he would ask his lady to help him out with his issues. If it was the guy, and he knew he had a ride or die chick, he’d know she would be there for him at the beginning, middle, and end of his problems. So fellas, I’m gonna need us to retire that line in 2011. Ya feel me? Anyways, men at their core try to solve problems. We think that when a woman brings us an issue, she’s bringing us a problem to solve. Farrrrthest thing from the truth. Fellas, unless she asks you “what do you think about that?”, I suggest you shut the hell up, nod your head, and say “I understand”. 90% of the time she just wants to vent, and all you have to do is listen. What a simple concept! Yet we fumble it damn near every time. Totally off the subject, but worth it. But women don’t want us to tell them why it didn’t work. Who would want to hear that negativity? Who asks for a whooping? They aren’t looking for your analysis of why her friends are the bane of your existence. She doesn’t really care that you are on a spiritual journey and you don’t think you got room for her on the train. That’s not what she’s looking for.

What women are really looking for is validation. Women want to know that they actually made an impact in your world. They want to know that you learned something about life, yourself, relationships, the universe, whatever, while you two were together. They want to make sure that all the time, tears, and tattoos (epic fail) were not in vain.

A woman can handle many things, but the one thing she won’t deal with is her time being wasted. She wants to know that you remembered how she fed you when you were broke; how you appreciated her not telling anybody about that time you were so drunk you threw up all over yourself and she cleaned it up. She needs to know you remembered where you went on your first date, what you ate, and who paid for it. Men, she just wants to make sure that she meant something to you. And isn’t that what anybody would want? Don’t we all want to know we left an impression on someone? 'Cuz when it’s all said and done, all we will have of one another are moments and memories, and we only will recall the things that were special to us.

What do you think? Ladies, am I right about this? Men, what are your closure stories?

Deuces to you all, my good people.

Follow me on twitter: @thebootleghitch.
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