Monday, January 24, 2011

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. V.: Shhh!

The following is a public service announcement from The Bootleg Hitch. The commentary expressed in this column does not reflect the opinions of the owner of this page AKA this man right chea (no Mystikal). The BLH went HAM and almost pulled the column but decided to publish it anyway. We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming later this week. Until then...
-Your neighborhood educator, Mr. Smart Guy.

Women, shut the hell up.

Yes, I said it.


That bold statement that I just said almost certainly caused you to immediately scroll down to the comments section and type some ignorant missive about respect of women. But if you are still reading this, then let me tell you why I say this. I was reading a blog from another talented writer (s/o to @slimjackson), and the gist of the blog was that women shouldn’t be afraid to approach a man if they are interested. It’s a compelling read, I’d suggest you check it out. It definitely grabbed my attention when I read the comments left by several women who wanted to quote scripture; specifically, Proverbs 18:22 which says “he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

They felt that since the Bible says he who finds, then it excludes them from having to do anything. As I digested this line of thinking, a slow burn developed in my soul, only this one wasn’t from a night of drinking some of that ole Sweet Water. Not only because of the blatant use of one verse in the bible to justify a point (this drives me crazy), but the verse itself kills the justification of that line of thinking. You don’t think so? Let’s take a look.

The verse says he that findeth a wife. The number one issue I have with this line of thinking is that many times, females are trying to be chased like a wife but aren’t looking for a husband (face-slap no.1).

They are out here looking for a sugar-daddy, somebody to take them out every now and then, a buck-fuddy, or just someone to have a good time with. So ladies, answer this for me: why should a man pursue you in that manner if you not looking for him as a husband? Why should a man have to be the one to constantly put himself out there looking for “The One” when you know damn well you want him as a no. 2, 3, or 4?

The second issue I have is that you confuse letting a man know you are interested with chasing a man. What is wrong with walking by a brother and telling him he looks nice? Why can’t you tell him that you like his outfit, the cologne he wore, or that he’s got a nice smile? Tip: this doesn’t make you look the least bit desperate. What it does is clear up the confusion we have in our minds. Women, you all think you give obvious signs about being interested in a man. Let me let you in on a secret: you’re terrible at it. Cot dayum awful.

I have heard more guys with stories about girls coming up to them years later, complaining about him not giving her the time of day in college when he genuinely had no clue she was interested.

But why do you think I always sat in the seat 63 degrees in front of your left eye?” Hell, we don’t know, maybe you liked being toward the front of the class. MEN ARE AWFUL AT READING MINDS. Write it down and memorize it. We are too simple for that. State what you want and keep it moving.

The third and final issue I have is for the women who are genuinely looking to settle down. Are you presenting yourself in a manner worthy of being considered a wife? Since we’re in bible country, let us look at what the Bible considers a virtuous wife aka a Proverbs 31 woman. Here are some essential components lifted directly from this passage.
• The heart of her husband safely trusts her.

Random chick raises hand: “So Mr. Bootleg Hitch, if we got together while I was still with another dude but I left the other guy for him, isn’t that me showing my love for him?”

Hell naw, it just means you’re a flighty whore who’s totally untrustworthy. Why would I believe you wouldn’t do that to me?
• She provides food for her household.

If you ain’t cooking, you ain’t wifey material. No need to expound on that, it’s non-negotiable. Moving right along.
• She is clothed with strength and dignity.

Ladies, let me tell you something, a man should never call a woman a hoe. HOWEVER, if a person is walking down the street with a police outfit on talking on a walkie-talkie with a gun on their hip and they AREN’T a cop, they really can’t get mad at me if I try to report a crime to them. Same with you, if you out here dressing like a hoe, acting like a hoe, talking like a hoe, walking like a hoe, don’t be mad when a man tries to treat you like a hoe. Dignity/honor is what we are looking for. I need to be able to take you to the office party and the New Year’s party and not have to worry about you at either spot. I shouldn’t have to shudder when my friends say they know someone who knew you back in school. And strength doesn’t mean being about to bench-press your name brand purse, it means being there for a man and the family and holding us up when we get weak.

So ladies, before you go there about dating and relationships, take a moment and shut the hell up. Make sure you are giving off what you want to get back. And if you want to start quoting bible verses, make extra sure you willing to live up to the standards of what you are quoting.

Deuces to you all, my good people.

Follow me on twitter: @thebootleghitch.
Related Posts with Thumbnails