Monday, August 15, 2011

The Bootleg Hitch Chronicles, Vol. IX: A Letter to My Unborn Daughter

Listening to Jay-Z and Kanye on the way to work, I came across the track “New Day”. Jay and Kanye are rapping to their unborn sons about their hopes and dreams and apologies for them. While this song is dope in its own right, why couldn’t they write to their unborn daughters? Of course, being the inspired fellow that I am, I felt the necessity to fill in the gap. To my not-yet parents out there, if you ever have a little girl of your own, you may want to use this as inspiration.

To My Unborn Daughter:
I look around this world and I fear for you. It’s cruel, it’s unforgiving, and people seem oblivious to how many backwards steps we’ve taken in the last 10 years. But I believe that you will be fine regardless of whatever is thrown your way. Not because I’m an optimist (I’m very much a realist, borderline pessimist), but because I know where you came from. Your lineage is full of people who worked their asses off to make sure you have all the tools to succeed. I don’t know what you will do with those tools, but I suspect you will use them to your full advantage and make the most of your opportunities.

When you get to know me, you will learn that I hate making promises to anybody, but if I make one, it may as well be written in stone. I’m a man of my word, and I make sure that if I say I’m going to do something that it gets done. So I’ll only make one promise to you; to do whatever I have to do to make sure you succeed. If that means playing the bad cop to your mother’s good cop and you hating my guts, then so be it. If it means giving up golf (which I love dearly) to make sure you make all your recitals and sports practices, then I’ll do it. Losing sleep, gaining weight, all of that is on the table. If you make me start to go bald, though, we may have to reconsider this arrangement.

The other thing you will learn when you get older is that I’m pretty good at giving advice, and if I know you like I think I do, you probably won’t come to me for advice about guys because you think I won’t be fair to the guy. Well, you are correct. I won’t be fair to him because he doesn’t deserve it. The male species is a conniving, slick, manipulative breed of which I’m a member, and I won’t be fooled by some young Alpha with good hair, a two-parent home, and Southern manners (wait a minute, that sounds familiar…anyway). But I want to give you this advice beforehand so you know I told you something that was unbiased and based out of love and experience. I can’t fit all of it into this letter, but I’ll tell you three things that are important about men that you need to know. Take these to heart and never forget.

When a man shows you who he is, believe him.
Notice I didn’t say tell. We’ll tell you anything at first, but actions cannot and do not lie. If he lies about little things, he’ll lie about big things. If he won’t trust you to go out with your friends, then he’s a possessive, insecure simpleton who doesn’t deserve you. And please, please, please, don’t ever think you can change him. You can’t. He can only change himself. No matter how great a woman you are, YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Marriage won’t change him either. Always remember this point.

All men will disappoint you at one time or another, including your father.
I want you to know this on the front end because some women go through life thinking that the perfect man is out there who will be the most greatest sweetest handsomest guy in the world. He doesn’t exist, sweetie. I can tell you that there is a guy out there who will make you laugh, love you like you deserve, and protect you from as much hurt, harm and danger as possible (unfortunately, I won’t be able to marry you, so you will have to settle for someone who does all of that but not as good as me). And even that man will disappoint you somewhere along the line because we aren’t perfect. Don’t give up on us though. Just work with him to make him the best that he can be. But remember rule no. 1.

If he loves you, he’ll knock down walls and move mountains for you.
What he won’t do is say the phrase “But if you love me, you will _________”. I can’t tell you when you will hear this line or who will say it, but men have been using it for centuries, and it’s been a lie every time it’s been uttered. What he will do is make feel loved, respected, cherished, and safe. If he can’t do all of that, he doesn’t deserve you.

I just wanted to share some wisdom so that you will have a good foundation for what we called “The Game”. I don’t know what you all will call it, just know it’s been played long before you were born, and despite all the variations, it’s still the same during my time as it will be during yours. I can’t wait to meet you, and I hope that we will be able to talk about these and other topics one day soon. I love you.

- Daddy BLH
Deuces, my good people.

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